I did not intend to spend today putting out church fires, but the current situation appears to have taken on a life of its own, and therefore warrants a response. Gossip once fanned by the flames of offense spreads quickly, and while I don’t see a need to apologize to anyone in particular, I do indeed have something to say, and so will address it here:
It has been brought to my attention that someone read my last post and completely misconstrued it, and without waiting to ask what I was talking about before getting offended, took it and ran with it. How far they ran God only knows, but my sense is that I was not the first person they shared their concerns with. As anyone who has grown up in the church knows, church leaders can be a highly reactive bunch. They have a tendency to shoot first and get the facts later, which, now that I think of it, is how the original fiasco began.
If I choose to portray myself as something akin to an unmanned windmill on my own blog it is certainly within my right to do so. I was making fun of myself, not anyone else, and my intention certainly wasn’t to single any one particular person out. The fact is that there was more than one “petite and pretty blonde pastors’ wife” at the event last weekend, and in her zeal to protect whoever it was she thought had caused me so much pain, the passionate young defender accidentally jumped to the defense of the wrong person.
As to those who played a part in the past heartache I made reference to, they know who they are, and all of this is Old News. Because I want to ease the mind of the person who took the offense, let me say here that not a single one of them was a pastors’ wife. I made every effort to speak with each of them individually and privately at the time it all happened, as was appropriate. I do, however, live every day with the consequences of their behavior, and no effort has ever been made on anybody’s part to take responsibility, right the wrong and make amends. As I said before, there are no hard feelings on my part, only extremely sad ones. I was dead serious about not ever trusting anyone like that again, though.
At the risk of being embarrassingly transparent (as though I haven’t been already) here is what I was trying to convey when I wrote the paragraph in which I made reference to the “petite and pretty blonde”:
I do not now, and never have felt pretty.
I will forever see myself as the skinny, socially awkward nerd I was in high school, complete with a full-body back brace, glasses with lenses the size of dinner plates, and a frighteningly bad perm. Not even close to the Malibu Barbie look I was going for. It wasn’t until one day in high school, when I was at a friends’ house, that I heard her describe me to someone on the phone as “a tall, thin girl with blond hair and blue eyes.” It was the first and only time I ever felt even remotely attractive, and it occurred to me that day that it’s possible I don’t see myself the way everyone else does. The insecurity persists, however, and trips me up any time I find myself in a room full of attractive, confident, well-dressed people with whom I’m supposed to interact and act normal.
What I guess I should have said (because it’s what I meant) was that “I tower over people like a Neanderthal giant” (this is getting more ridiculous by the minute) so no one would mistakenly think I meant I had an issue with one pastor’s wife in particular. Although I do think I make at least one of them uncomfortable for some reason, but I usually chalk that up to my own nervousness when interacting with anyone who isn’t part of my own close circle of friends. Therapists recognize this as Social Anxiety, and know – or should know – not to take it personally. Church leaders in general don’t know this, and therefore really are afraid of you. Maybe it could have been better written, but again, the point was to poke fun at myself, not anyone else. It honestly never occurred to me that someone would read it and take it the wrong way.
My blog is both my story and my testimony. This is where I am free to talk about any issue or concern in my life that I feel I wish to write about. It’s a blog-in-lieu-of-therapy. When I first started it, I would delete certain posts out of fear that I had offended someone in particular, but I don’t delete myself anymore. After all of those years in an abusive, controlling relationship with my ex-husband, it doesn’t make sense to finally be free while continually violating my own personal boundaries myself. Part of the normal Christian life is realizing that we can both hurt and be hurt by – however unintentionally – those we worship with and minister alongside of. To pretend otherwise is unhealthy, and I have never been good at pretending. I am who I am. Saying that I love the very people who caused me pain is not to say that what they did wasn’t wrong, or that they don’t need to be held accountable. It’s saying that there’s more than enough grace to go around. It is, as I said before, acknowledging the fact that the people themselves are more important than the situations they created.
We do our kids a great disservice when we bring them up within the insulated walls of our “Let’s Pretend” churches, where nothing bad ever happens, but if it does, they’re not allowed to say so. The real world is going to smack them right upside the head someday, and they won’t be able to defend themselves, much less anyone else.
All of that being said, I am now going to see if my passport has expired, and then go and buy myself a big, floppy hat and the darkest sunglasses I can find, because I seem to have developed a strong and sudden urge to disappear as quickly and permanently as possible.
Enough is enough.
Have a good day people.