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The Urim and Thummim were stones kept in the breastplate that covered the ephod, which was a vest worn by Aaron, the High Priest of Israel. The breastplate was encrusted with twelve stones, each representing one of the twelve tribes of Israel.  David requested the ephod to be brought to him, when he needed to inquire of God which decisions to make concerning his enemies.

For a long time, I have been going along with the current thinking that God has a specific plan for my life, and if I miss it, it’s all over.  It’s an awful lot of pressure.  What if I take the wrong job?  Marry the wrong person?  Buy the wrong car?  Go to the wrong school, get the wrong degree, and spend the rest of my life not doing the absolute perfect will of God?  Does it matter?  If it does, then I could so totally screw this up.  And how far do I carry this?  Should I have the eggs, or the pancakes?  Hot tea, or iced tea?  Wear red, or yellow today? And the most culturally relevant question in the church today:  whether to go to church at all, and if so, which one?  Saturday, or Sunday?  Is it more spiritual to go to first service, or third?  What if I go to third service, but the person God wants me to marry only goes to first?

What if, after all these years of studying scripture, and spending time with God, I can make a choice based on wisdom and personal preference?  What if God really cares about whether or not I learn anything from my mistakes (or from the mistakes of others) or just by the normal process of growing and maturing, and choosing, or not choosing, and observing the fruit, or lack thereof, and deciding differently next time?

What if?

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The year of my divorce, I rented an office in the city for six months.  I desperately needed a place of my own, to hear from God.  And because my pain was great, my hearing was acute…

I painted, and prayed, and cried and sorted out my life’s work.  Was the focus of my attention to be psychology or ministry?  As I made two piles of years of writing, research and study, it became clear that first and foremost, I love ministry- teaching, writing and counseling.

After the six months, with a deep sense of both purpose and loss, I gave back my key and emptied the office, and moved everything back into a room at home.  I have many times wondered if maybe I should have continued there, and ministered to whomever God sent.  But all He has required of me is to minister to all that He sends to me, regardless of whether it’s in an office, or at my kitchen table.

“The Lord says, I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you.”  Psalm 32:8

“Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths.”   Proverbs 3:6

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”  Isaiah 30:21

“My sheep recognize (hear) my voice;  I know them, and they follow Me.”           John 10:27

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By the time my marriage ended, I had fully fledged Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Learning about it, and how to recover from it, has left me with piles of information, books, and other resources that I am trying to organize into a usable format so that I will be able to help others.

My marriage took a serious turn for the worse in 1997.  It was an abusive marriage from the beginning, but it took me a long time to realize it.  We tried marriage counseling (NOT recommended for marriages where there is abuse!!) but nothing helped.  It was impossible to explain what was going on at home; I felt completely alone except for God.  One day after a particularly upsetting counseling appointment (about ten years ago), I was flipping through a magazine and came across an article on PTSD.  I had never heard of it.  At the bottom of the article, there was a number to call for more information.  I had every symptom on the list! One thing led to another, and eventually I found resources, agencies, websites, and training that I want to use in my own work with people.  I know that God has led me this far, and He will continue to lead me along the path He has ordained for me to walk in.