Tag Archives: Christianity

Happy New Year

22 Sunday Jan 2017

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 I wrote the following on Facebook back in November, and wanted to re-post it here today. The fall semester was difficult, and by the time it ended, I didn’t really have the time to sit down and write, and now that the habit is broken, it’s hard to pick it up again. Classes start again in a couple of weeks, and I know I will be writing non-stop straight through to graduation (in 2018), so I’m not really wanting to sit and write for hours on end now. I don’t actually feel like doing much of anything, to be honest; the stress of packing and moving, and going back to school right before the holidays kind of wore me out. Three unexpected deaths in as many months didn’t help, and cast long shadows over shortened days.

A lot happened in 2016: in the beginning of the year, my story about surviving domestic violence appeared in Good Housekeeping magazine, then my oldest daughter graduated from nursing school in May; in mid-summer I decided to go back to school (a year earlier than planned) and started classes at Keuka College in the Finger Lakes. In September we packed and moved (also a year earlier than planned) and now I feel a bit like a kite bumping along the ground, trying to get the strength and energy to get up and flying again for the next round of challenges.

So, here is the post, once again, with the same heart-felt prayer that God would keep, bless and guide us as we make our way through the days of 2017:

Well, we woke up today to a new President, and it remains to be seen what will happen with our country. I think that people who maybe haven’t really prayed before, or even given thought to where they stand with God, will begin to pray and seek God for His protection and direction. I pray that Donald Trump truly considers God, and seeks His forgiveness and His divine guidance. I pray for national healing, and unity of heart and purpose for all Americans.

I liked Hillary Clinton’s speech this morning; it was gracious and to the point. She also (like all of us) needs God’s forgiveness and guidance, although she may not realize it, or even want it. Regardless, God is as much in control of our world and our universe as He was yesterday, and all of the yesterdays before. He is the God of tomorrow, and all of the tomorrows stretching out into eternity.

He Has A Plan.

And His plan is to redeem and restore us back into fellowship with Him.

Whatever it takes.

But it isn’t over until God says it’s over, and we know (through His Word) that good will ultimately triumph over evil in the end.

This we believe; now help us, God, to order our hearts, minds, and days accordingly. Strengthen us for the days and tasks ahead. Help us to set our faces like flint, as the soldiers and ambassadors You have called us to be, and move forward. Help us to put away superfluous attitudes, activities, relationships, and even possessions.
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And help us to trust You- to put our ultimate hope in You, and You alone.

So, as individuals who will (all of us) one day stand before You, and give account for our lives; and together as a nation, we pray in the sovereign and saving name of Your son, Jesus Christ,

Amen.

Same prayer, same good wishes. Happy New Year everybody. May it be a safe, blessed, and prosperous year for all of us.

The Prison Epistles (Re-post)

03 Sunday Apr 2016

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4098718595_9e7f57455d_mIn most of his letters to the early church, Paul begins with doctrine and ends with the practical application of doctrine in the lives of believers. Paul stated that he was “an apostle of Jesus Christ”. The Greek word apostolos means to be a delegate;  one sent with the full power of attorney. It means to act in the place of another, the sender remaining behind to back up the one sent. In the case of Christians, it means that God sends us to do what he Himself would do in our place. We are to represent Him in the world.

Paul was in prison when he wrote the letter to the church in Ephesus, sometime around 60 A.D. He was under guard in rental quarters in Rome (see Acts 28:30) and the letter was delivered to the church by Tychicus. At the time, Ephesus was the leading center of the Roman Empire; Paul stayed there for three years on his third missionary journey. At that time it was the capital city of the province of Asia.

There are two categories of knowledge: pure, or theoretical knowledge (doctrine) and applied knowledge, which is the practical application of theoretical knowledge. For example, in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians the first three chapters deal with doctrine (the calling of the church) and chapters 4-5 deal with application (the conduct of the church). This letter was addressed to the saints living in Ephesus. The Greek word for saint is hagiois, or “the Holy ones”; those who are set apart for God’s own use. It is the essence of what it means to live as a Christian and to be a follower, or disciple of Jesus Christ.

Paul taught that the Jewish and gentile believers are one in Christ, to be demonstrated by love for one another. He encouraged them to love both God and their fellow saints in Christ. Agape is the Greek word for love as a noun; agapao is the verb form. Paul uses both forms in his letters; agape being the love of God (as in “God is love: and agapeo as being in how that love is expressed through the lives of the saints. There is also a third Greek word for love: phileo, which is the love felt in relationships between people (as in friendship) but here Paul is primarily dealing with the application of doctrine, the foundation of which is the love of God in us and through us.  Paul’s focus was on maintaining unity within the church.

This letter begins and ends with love;  it was most likely a ‘circular letter’ meaning that while it was written to the saints in Ephesus, it was most likely passed around to the other churches as encouragement to love each other, and as a reminder to establish churches that were not based on rules and structure alone, but churches where the love of God was to be manifested to the people through the lives of the saints.

Fast forward about two thousand years.  Paul is under house arrest, somewhere on the outskirts of the city of Syracuse.  Tychicus is sitting with him;  the two men are having coffee and Paul is listening intently to the report of the churches.  He is disturbed by something that Tychicus is saying:  “There is a teaching going around in Syracuse, Paul, that in order to love others you must first love yourself, as though it is doctrine.  The people have focused on this, and their activities seem to include reading a lot on self-love, and attending groups to learn how to love themselves.”  Tychicus sits in silence as the Paul lowers his head into his hands, and sits silently.  After a time of deep thought, he lifts his head and says “Please bring me my pen.”  Pouring another cup of coffee for himself and his guest, he sits down and begins writing.  “To the Church in East Syracuse . . . to the Church in Fayetteville . . . to the Church in the Valley . . .”

This is a reprint of an old blog post from November of 2012; a period of deep grief and reflection for me. I have spent this snowy afternoon looking over old writing, beginning with the very first post in the spring of 2010. I liked this one in particular, however, so I am re-posting it today. I’m still working on the next article in the Sozo/ deliverance and inner healing series, and may or may not get it finished in the next couple of days. Writing has been immensely therapeutic for me, as it has been for as long as I can remember. I have my journals going all the way back to elementary school, along with a copy of my very first ‘book’, written when I was somewhere around ten years old. I found old articles today that I had written years ago, and an early copy of my testimony. Interesting reading.

I’m heading out now to brave the wind and snow and see if there are any Sunday papers left. Not likely after the games this weekend, but will come back to writing the next post in the series when I get back home.

Have a blessed and peaceful day, people.

You must be even more careful to put into action God’s saving work in your lives, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him. ~ Philippians 2:12b – 13

Syncretism: Where the Odd and Unholy Come Together

08 Tuesday Mar 2016

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graveHere’s a new one for you: Grave-soaking, also known as grave-sucking. Closely related to the sport of mantle-grabbing, the idea is that the dearly departed leave behind whatever anointing they carried while alive in the box they’re buried in when deceased, free for the taking. Takers can either sit, stand, kneel or lie in front of, or on the grave of, those who are no longer sitting, standing, kneeling or lying and summon the vibes of saints whose bodies are six feet under. It’s a new and disturbingly creepy trend that some of your friends and fellow pew-warmers are engaging in.

Bethel Church, in Redding, California, the same church delivering the dubious ministry of Sozo (along with gold dust, diamonds and bird feathers) has long been known for a host of unholy behaviors and associations, but this one steals the show. Once you’re all cleaned up and cleaned out from Sozoing and Shabaring, you can embark on a church-endorsed field trip of grave-soaking (a.k.a. grave-sucking). A quick internet search pulls up disturbing images of the people from the church – leaders and youth included – draped over headstones or lying prone on slabs inscribed with the names of prominent, long-dead Christians.

As a result of all of the bad press Bethel has received due to the photos and videos on the internet, Beni Johnson (her birth name is Brenda) took to her Facebook page to make the following statement: “I am not what they call a grave-sucker. Just so you know. That’s creepy.” And yet, that’s Beni herself in the photo above, lying on the grave of C.S. Lewis. To give you an idea of the mindset of those perpetuating the practice, John Crowder (a Bethel associate, whose ministry is endorsed by the Johnsons) was taped while kneeling at the grave site of Alexander Dowie. Looking into the camera, he stated:

And we’ve just come to the grave today to release to you an impartation of  healing revival; of city-building, restoration, city-taking anointing, master-building anointing, and so we just rip it right out of the ground; we just suck it right off his dead bones, in Jesus’ name, and loose it to you; a healing-revival-glory-master-building-apostolic anointing glory …

If this sounds to you like the confusing mess that it is, it’s simply a reflection of the New Apostolic Reformation and Third Wave movement that has been propagated by those who have declared themselves to be the new apostles and prophets of the end-time generation. People who flock to these movements are found on the Elijah List, in the Healing Rooms, and trying to work their way up the Seven Mountain Mandate. Think this can’t happen in your church? That surely your leaders are so rooted and grounded in scripture that they would see right through all of this? If your church is utilizing Sozo materials in their ‘Freedom and Deliverance Ministries’ then know that it has already happened – the lion is no longer at the door, but is roaming freely up and down the aisles, and in and out of our classrooms. The Bible is clear: Satan doesn’t appear to us with a pitchfork and horns, otherwise we would recognize him for who he is, but he appears instead as an angel of light, promising blessings, healing, and untold wealth and prosperity to those who are desperate, vulnerable, needy or blind. And the shepherds (the pastors, deacons and elders of the church) have a God-given mandate to protect the people entrusted to their care.

The lure of mysticism is subtle. Syncretism is that odd mix of the holy and the profane that we are seeing with ever-increasing frequency in our church services. Syncretism, as defined by Webster, is simply this: “the combination of different forms of belief or practice” and to syncretize is particularly telling: “to attempt to unite and harmonize, especially without critical examination or logical unity.” It appears to be a politically correct form of Christianity, not just in America, but one that has spread rapidly around the world. Celebrity Christians are selling ideas such as ‘contemplative prayer’ and the ‘breaking of soul-ties and generational curses’ to a people who are more interested in having an emotional experience with God than a solid, biblically accurate relationship with Him. The idea of soul ties and generational curses, along with the perpetual quest for inner healing are nothing more than New Age, occultic, and mystical teachings that have infiltrated the church to such a degree that people are signing up for (and paying for) counseling sessions and classes without batting an eye. Combining any false teaching with the Word of God is absolutely forbidden in scripture, which clearly commands that we are not to take away from or add to the written Word. When we do, we end up with a confused and unhealthy church; one that is both deceived and diseased, and we are left with nothing but a chimera for a God. We’re a group of people who can decree, declare, and rebuke everything right down to the consequences of our own foolish choices, but who can’t walk straight when the fog-and-light-show ends.

Bill Johnson, Beni’s husband, and the senior pastor at Bethel, believes that:

There are anointings, mantles, revelations, and mysteries that have lain unclaimed, literally where they were left because the generation that walked in them never passed them on. I believe it’s possible for us to recover realms of anointing, realms of insight, realms of God that have been untended for decades simply by choosing to reclaim them and perpetuate them for future generations.

Nothing in scripture supports this.  The anointing of God is not just lying around unclaimed, waiting for us to soak it up at will. We don’t serve a hapless God who is sitting in the heavens wringing His hands, bemoaning the fact that we’re all down here stumbling over years of unclaimed anointings and mantles.  Spiritual growth is not a Christian version of an Easter-egg hunt. We develop insight and spiritual maturity by spending time in the Word, not by laying on the graves of those who have already left the earth. If the normative Christian life were to include going back to suck the glory out of dead bones, wouldn’t the letters to the churches have been the logical place for the New Testament writers to tell us so?  Instead, we’re told to learn from the heroes of the faith, and to emulate their faith, but we’re not told to try to dredge the rewards of their faithfulness for ourselves by lying on their graves. 1AA4

Sunbathing on grave sites didn’t originate with the large church on the West Coast, however; Benny Hinn has been known to try to suck the leftover anointing out of the graves of Kathryn Kuhlman and Aimee Semple McPherson. The practice stems from the idea of transferable anointings, or mantles (a teaching made popular in the Word of Faith and Latter Rain movements of the last century), hence the term mantle-grabbing. These aren’t teachings you will find within the pages of scripture, however. What you will find is that necromancy is absolutely forbidden by God. In the Old testament (see Deuteronomy 18:10) those who practice it are called an abomination to God. This includes any form of communicating with the dead, whether it’s channeling, praying to a dead saint, calling up your beloved grandmother, or grave-soaking. Nor will you find that any mantle or anointing was ever transferred from a dead person to a live person in scripture. In fact, the only time a mantle or anointing is transferred from one person to another is through relationship, as in the case of Elijah and Elisha, so the next time you find yourself cozying up to a skeleton, you might want to stop and consider the health and depth of your relationship with your fragile friend. And while you’re down there, you might want to stop and think about the health and depth of your relationships and associations in general.

grave-sucking-2 So shake off those mold spores and grow up.  You’re not supposed to smell like a cemetery.  You’re not supposed to sprout gold dust and feathers; to bark, foam at the mouth, roll on the floor, or shake and laugh hysterically, or participate in any of the other mindless activities associated with hyper-charismania. You don’t need to lay on the ground and try to work yourself into a trance by singing the same verse of a song over and over until your geese bump and your flesh tingles. (There’s actually a name for this unholy practice; it’s known as “carpet-time”). Read the New Testament carefully and you will find that not only is self-control listed as a Fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:23) but in almost all of the letters to the churches we’re encouraged to control both our minds and our bodies. Christians are people who should be known for our resemblance to Christ. We’re not supposed to be known as people who post “selfies” of odd behaviors that nobody naming the name of Christ should be engaged in, but rather, we’re exhorted to conduct ourselves in a manner befitting the people of God.

2nd year BSSM students at the grave site of Evan Roberts.

2nd year BSSM students at the grave site of Evan Roberts.

“For the time is coming when [people] will not tolerate (endure) sound and wholesome instruction, but, having ears itching [for something pleasant and gratifying], they will gather to themselves one teacher after another to a considerable number, chosen to satisfy their own liking and to foster the errors they hold, and will turn aside from hearing the truth and will wander off into man-made fictions.”  – 2 Timothy 4:3,4 (Amplified)

“Take no part in and have no fellowship with the fruitless deeds and enterprises of darkness, but instead [let your lives be so in contrast as to] expose and reprove and convict them. For it is a shame even to speak of or mention the things that [such people] practice in secret. But when anything is exposed and reproved by the light, it is made visible and clear; and where everything is visible and clear, there is light. Therefore He says, Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall shine (make day dawn) upon you and give you light. Look carefully then how you walk! Live purposefully and worthily and accurately, not as the unwise and witless, but as wise (sensible, intelligent people), making the very most of the time [buying up each opportunity], because the days are evil. Therefore do not be vague and thoughtless and foolish, but understanding and firmly grasping what the will of the Lord is.” 

– Ephesians 5:11-17 (Amplified)

Refuting the FAQ’s

14 Sunday Feb 2016

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SAM_3670The more I look into this, the more odd and unhealthy the whole thing gets. According to the FAQ’s as posted on Bethel Sozo’s website, a Sozo session is “framed” with the Father Ladder (a method of interviewing the client) or the Four Doors (supposedly four key areas of sin through which demonic possession or oppression can occur, boldly ignoring all of the other sins listed in scripture, all of which are of key concern to God). According to the FAQ’s page, a Sozo session will contain elements of these Sozo tools: Father Ladder, Four Doors, The Wall (think resistance, or more specifically, an emotional or psychological blockage) and Presenting Jesus, and states that other tools may be used, but “will not dominate the ministry time.” These are only four of the ‘tools’ used in a Sozo session; the others are considered Advanced Tools, namely, Trigger Mechanisms and Divine Editing. In addition to that, and for an additional cost, there is Shabar, for those who are beyond the scope of deliverance available through ordinary, entry-level false teaching.

“Presenting Jesus” has to do with conjuring up an image of Jesus in your mind (this is akin to divination, which is forbidden in scripture) and ‘re-writing’ the script of past abuse (real or imagined) by picturing him as being present in the memory. This tool is actually derived from the teachings of Dr. Ed Smith, who invented Theophostic Prayer Ministry, and even earlier from the teachings of Agnes Sanford, who began the ‘inner healing’ and ‘healing your inner child’ movement. Nowhere in scripture are we told to do this, however, and if an image representing ‘Jesus’ appears to you in your prayer session, it is in all probability either a figment of your imagination, or even worse, it is a spirit most assuredly not of God. The ‘freedom and deliverance’ movement itself is based largely on superstition and magical thinking, not on faith and reason.

The purpose of these tools is to dig for repressed, or forgotten memories of past abuse and emotional wounds; they are psycho-therapeutic techniques long since discredited and no longer endorsed by mainstream psychotherapy. Worth noting is the fact that neither of the two women who created Sozo are professional therapists, and apparently know little of mental health and evidence-based theories and therapies. They also, by their own admission, have no formal training in biblical doctrine and theology.

In answer to the question “When is a Sozo/deliverance finished?” the site states that the session is finished “when you [the counselor] discern that the ‘strong man’ has been defeated” or “when you or the ‘sozoee’ feel that you are finished.” (Emphasis mine).

Let’s be clear: anyone with even a shred of discernment or biblical knowledge should know that the ‘strong man’ in a true Christian is God, in the form of the Holy Spirit, and that the devil and God do not occupy (dwell in) the same space (house). Do you really want to cast the strong man out of a believer? Those who are advocating for deliverance ministries in the church will be quick to acknowledge that while a Christian cannot be possessed from within, a Christian can be ‘oppressed’ (demonized) from without. This is the justification generally given for allowing these ministries to operate within the church, and as a result, many people are lining up in churches and conferences around the world to have their particular thorn in the flesh removed. And they’re paying a pretty penny for it, too.

They will also be quick to point out that some of the people Jesus delivered [cast demons out of] in scripture were in the temple, ergo, they must have been Christians. Just because you find it in the cookie jar, however, doesn’t mean it’s a cookie, and you couldn’t then and cannot now make the assumption that every person in the church or hanging out on the church property is a born-again, Spirit-filled, bible-believing Christian.

In answer to the question “In a Shabar session, when do you know when to quit if complete integration is not accomplished?” the somewhat lengthy answer is that if you can’t get the client completely integrated, you are to focus instead on providing information, hope, and at least some integration, along with an admonishment to not force the person or ‘parts’ to talk to God. These clients are to be given time to see “if they like the parts being gone” and whether or not they want another session.

This alone should be enough for you to stay clear of any ministry using Sozo. It is a blatant reference to Multiple Personality Disorder which, as I wrote about several weeks ago, is not a legitimate diagnosis, and therefore requires neither treatment nor ministry. They don’t seem to have access to this information on the West Coast however, and so are accepting payments in order to deliver people from a problem they don’t – and can’t – have because it doesn’t exist. The sheer lunacy that forms the foundation of these ‘deliverance ministries’ pales in comparison to the ethical concerns.

Think about this: even Lazarus, whom Jesus raised from the dead, eventually died and stayed dead. The Bible doesn’t say that he lived the rest of his life in perfect health, or never got sick, or experienced problems that could be interpreted as ‘being oppressed’. And nowhere in scripture did Jesus partially heal someone and then send them home to wait 3-6 months to see if they were ‘okay’ with living partially healed, or if they wanted to come back later, check in hand, in order for him to completely heal them the second or third time around.

Further down the FAQ’s page, the question “Can one Sozo session actually heal a lie that has been believed for many years?” is answered in the affirmative. “Once the Lord heals the first time the lie was settled into your spirit, the rest of your life experiences based on this lie will realign to His truth.” The real answer, however, is that Sozo itself is based on lies, and no, you cannot be ‘healed’ from your painful memories in just one session. Spiritual and emotional healing comes from many hours spent in the Word of God, along with time in prayer alone; your life experiences will heal and ‘realign’ as you study His Word and apply it to your life, meaning that you will begin to see the events and experiences in your life in light of a greater picture (from God’s perspective). It doesn’t miraculously happen in one or two facilitated Sozo or Theophostic prayer sessions. The idea that all of your problems are based on believing lies is a recent trend that has infiltrated the church through books like “The Search for Significance” and “The Bondage Breaker.” Your problems aren’t caused by believing lies, however, they’re caused by sin, whether your own or someone else’s.

This is a subtle deception that has crept into the church through the recovery movement, eroding the clear message of the gospel and our need for salvation through Christ alone. You were “sozoed” when you became a believer; when you first believed that Jesus is Lord, that He died on the cross for your sins, and that He delivered you from eternal death by taking your place. This is deliverance for the Christian, and if you are one, then you have already been delivered. The real bondage breaking happens when you break free from all of the superficial, superstitious nonsense that is passed off as normative post-modern Christianity, and begin to seek and follow Truth as it is portrayed in scripture.

Another noteworthy find on the Sozo ministries FAQ’s page is the question “How do you minister to someone who received wounds while in the womb?”

Yes, it actually says that. And yes, they actually attempt to do this.

Are we really that gullible?

A popular misconception currently sweeping the churches is the idea that trauma and abuse ‘open a door’ to demonic oppression, but this is pure superstition, plain and simple. Trauma and abuse are terrible actions perpetrated by human beings who act out their sinful natures and evil tendencies on those who can’t defend themselves. They are not ‘entry points for the enemy’ or sources of demonic oppression, and you don’t heal these things by subjecting already wounded and traumatized people to a ‘deliverance’ session. Nor, for that matter, do you need healing for wounding that occurred while you were in the womb. Your mother might, but you don’t.

The FAQ’s page also states that “the leaders of your team should be the ones sozoing the leaders of your church.”

If someone is “sozoing” the leaders of our church, then we have a much larger and different problem – one that involves leadership, and their responsibility to keep false teaching out of the church, not to participate in it.

Can I lead someone to freedom if I don’t have any myself? would be humorous if it weren’t so disturbing.

Having said all of that, there is one guaranteed way to be delivered from demonic oppression that doesn’t require shelling out your hard-earned cash for a thinly veiled exorcism. Calling it ‘deliverance’ is merely a matter of semantics.

The one sure path to deliverance from demonic oppression is to abandon the Christian faith.  Because if you think you’re going to attempt to live the rest of your life as an even remotely mature believer, and think the enemy isn’t going to be a constant thorn in your flesh while you do so, you haven’t really studied your bible or the history of the church.  You can expect to be oppressed, tempted, persecuted and tried from the moment you set your mind to live a righteous and holy life. You can’t cast out consequences. There are demon-possessed people out there, but they aren’t spirit-filled believers, and odds are they aren’t holed up somewhere with a bag of chips, desperately searching websites for the nearest church performing exorcisms.

I can’t say this strongly enough: stay away from Sozo and Theophostics, and all of the other ‘inner healing’ and ‘deliverance’ ministries, especially those that utilize elements and techniques of recovered memory therapy. They are not healthy, they are not biblical, and they are not necessary.

Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God; because many false prophets are gone out into the world. Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God: And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is the spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world. Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world.      1 John 4:4

 

 

Midnight Musings

01 Sunday Nov 2015

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We had an event at church tonight, a fall festival in the parking lot.  There were bounce houses, games, cotton candy, and face painting.  Kids and colored wigs everywhere.

And underneath the costumes, and coats, and scarves, there was an awful lot of pain.

I heard stories of loss, and profound disappointment.  Stories for which there are no easy answers, when even offering to pray for someone sounds trite and condescending.  I think sometimes the reason we offer to pray for people is to make an uncomfortable conversation more palatable;  it makes us feel better, as though we’ve done something to help when, in truth, there is nothing that can be done.

This doesn’t fit our culturally sanitized version of Christianity.  I can think of five people right off the top of my head who would be so upset with me for even writing something like that.  We’re supposed to pray with power, and authority, and fix everything and everyone with scriptures, and platitudes, and hollow-sounding affirmations that fall on deaf ears and broken hearts.

Sometimes all you can do is just say how very sorry you are.  And leave it at that.  Sometimes there’s absolutely nothing to say, at all.  I know that when going through the worst of it, people would pray, meaning to help, wanting to do something, and it did nothing for me.  Things that helped?  Something to drink, hot or cold, depending on the day.  Space to be quiet.  Freedom to not talk.  A place to rest.  Sometimes a walk, even if I didn’t feel like talking.  I’m ashamed to say I wasn’t usually listening, either;  I was feeling the warmth of the sun, or the heat of the mug, or the softness of a blanket.  But that’s it.  When you’re grieving, people’s voices seem so far away.  They’re comforting, because it means you’re not alone, but the expectation to hold up your end of a conversation is physically exhausting.  Short, simple questions work best.  Not a lot of them.

My own, constant prayer on a bad day is “Dear God, please hold my heart together.  I can’t do this anymore.  I certainly can’t do this today.”

If we have kids, we do it for them.  I don’t know what people do who don’t have any.  I really don’t know.  I know I wouldn’t be here.

But tonight, dear God, please hold their hearts together.  The people who, for whatever reason, opened their hearts to me tonight.  Help them and hold them.

Be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might.  – Ephesians 6:10

A Grief of Mind

10 Saturday Jan 2015

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Heavy-hearted tonight.  This has been a not-so-very-good day.  Opportunities for hurt feelings were multitudinous, for some reason, all the way to the end.  There are days I would rather I had not got out of bed, and this was one of them.

This is the farthest I have ever gone into the month without being able to pay my rent, and it feels surreal.  I don’t know what’s going to happen, but we’re short.  Inundated with medical bills, out-of-pocket prescription payments and a host of other things, and it is just not going to happen.  We never get to settle anywhere and feel safe.  I feel like I never get to breathe, or have five minutes of relief from the pressure of it all.  It is mind-bending.  And unending.  Like trying to dig your way out of a pit with a dessert spoon.

So, today didn’t help.  I don’t know what I would, or could have done differently,  I only know that it hurts.  Like hell.

One thing I am sure of:  I refuse to be bitter.  If we can’t walk in love, and grace, and mercy and forgiveness, then we have no right claiming the name of Christ for our own, or pretending to be His disciples.

My heart is both heavy, and hopeful.  It’s a whole new year;  anything can happen.  Good can happen.  All I know is, I refuse to quit.

Wait on the Lord:  be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart.  Psalm 27:14

Trust

11 Saturday May 2013

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English: The Promised Land. View south west th...

English: The Promised Land. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So we have to move.  Again.  It seems that every time we get settled, and I get everything just the way I want it, the landlord sells the house or the rent goes up.

So, here we go again.  And I don’t even know where we’re going.  Last nights’ message at church was a reminder that we live in tents;  we’re not here forever.  When we get to the Promised Land, we can settle and build houses, and multiply, but until then, it’s all packing and moving.

I have prayed and prayed about this;  what is the wisest thing to do?  Stay and pay the higher amount, or use it as an opportunity to move on?  Tiffany graduates this year,  Brittany is already out on her own, and really, I am free to go wherever I feel God is leading me.  I keep reminding myself that God is a God of order, and that He does indeed lead us step by step.

I feel in my heart it is time to move.  But I am so comfortable here.  I hate change;  I like to take a couple of years to slow down and think about things before I do anything.  I don’t have an impulsive bone in my body.  It’s why sudden endings and losses leave me feeling blind-sided, and take so long to recover from.

I have learned this;  it’s not wise as a tent-dweller to accumulate so much stuff.  I’ve spent the last few weeks going through drawers, and boxes and closets.  Pulled out a huge box of journals from the last fifteen years;  found photos and memories, cards and letters.  And one thing is clear;  God has been at the center of it all, always preparing the way ahead of me, and providing when there was no way we could have made it this far.  And always, always, scripture, on everything.  Scrapbooks, high school yearbooks,  journals, notebooks.  The Word of God has been my rock and foundation through it all.  Like a thread woven through all of the situations and circumstances, the dark times and the happy times, there is the Word of God.  Safe, stable, unchanging, and able to keep me from falling.  Or from getting lost.

So there is no reason to fear.  Even if I make a wrong decision, God is able.

Have a Blessed day, people.

“In quietness and trust is your strength.”   Isaiah 30:15

Walking Through the Wilderness

23 Saturday Feb 2013

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img013 San Pedro River

Photo credit: gem66)

I cried, this week, in the doctor’s office.  Quite hard, actually.  In the waiting room.  In front of everybody.  Got lost on the way there, ran out of gas and was twenty minutes late for my appointment.  Desperately needed prescriptions filled, as they ran out a while ago, but I haven’t been able to get an appointment anywhere.  (I lost most of my medical care when I lost my job.)

‘I’m sorry ma’am, but we will have to reschedule you for later in March.  No one can see you today.”  “Yes, I heard you.”  Cried harder.  Once the flood gates are open, it’s hard to stop.                                                                              “Ma’am, nobody can see you.”                                                                          “Yes, but I need help today.”  “Would you like to reschedule?”  No, thank you, I really just want to die.  I did reschedule, made it out to the hallway, sat down on the stairs and cried harder.

“My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.”  (Exodus 33:14)

I hate being on Medicaid, I hate being stuck in a system that probably sounds good on paper, but doesn’t work in reality.  Hate being a single parent, and not having a husband to help with all of this. How in the world do people do this?

I went to church last night.  It was packed;  we’re having a conference, and I really wanted to go, as the speaker was someone who had prayed over me a long time ago;  an amazing, prophetic prayer, when I was going through my divorce.  The whole process of getting a seat in church is a humiliating experience for me.  I miss the ushers at my old church;  always helpful, always respectful, and kind.  Thank God, a friend stepped in to the hallway, and took me to sit with her and her husband.

But, still.

It would be nice, to have someone to go to church with (hide behind?) and have him deal with the ushers, and find a seat for me.  To be protected, cared for, and loved.  I am so grateful for my friend, and her husband, but I want my own husband.

The lobby was packed with people, visiting, laughing, talking.  A lot of noise, lights and motion.  It’s an assault on the senses, and I look for someone familiar to attach to; otherwise it’s an out-of-body experience, but there was no one, so I hid in the bookstore.  And pretended I was having fun, with my coffee, all by myself.  Because this is what divorced women in the church do.

On the way to the car, there was another couple who walked out with me (they never say hi to me, have never, in thirteen years;  my daughter informed me once that the mother can’t stand me)  but they were laughing, and walking together to their car, and I envied her.  Because she had someone to sit with in church, and to go home and do family with.  To do marriage with.  And she has cute clothes.

We claimed a verse this week, one of the women and I did, for the prayer and coffee group that meets in my home.

“See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up;  do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness, and streams in the desert.”  Isaiah 43:19

Thank God.  Because this has been a very long walk.  And I’m tired.

Still Waters

Still Waters (Photo credit: SweetCapture)

Straight Paths

13 Wednesday Feb 2013

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English: The path here is nicely improved A bo...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.  Mark out a straight path for your feet.  Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.”  Hebrews 12:12-13 

We are called to  live holy lives for God‘s glory, our benefit, and to help others.  Hard to do when you’re tired.  And shaky.  And you just don’t feel like it.  Don’t want to get up, stand up, start out on the path again, or deal with others. Anybody.  (Unless they’re bringing you a fresh cup of coffee.)

To ‘mark out a straight path for your feet’ means to live (as John Maxwell says) an intentional life.  To decide where you’re going, what you are and are not going to do today.  Who will you spend time with?  Do you even know what path you’re on?  The people you spend time with are largely determined by the places you decide to go, or not go.  Do you know where you want to end up?

Things happen;  life happens.  And it seems to take an awful lot of energy some days to walk this thing out.

I joined a gym in December because the orthopedic surgeon said I need to go;  swimming and Pilates are the best exercises for Scoliosis and arthritis.  I have yet to go.  I won’t feel better until I do, but most days I don’t feel well enough to actually get in the car and drive there.  (And there are people there etc., etc.)

This isn’t at all what this verse is talking about, I don’t think, but it certainly is one way to apply it.  When Paul wrote this letter to the Hebrew Christians, he was encouraging them to lead intentional lives.  Do you know we are supposed to have followers? That people should be able to look at us and say “So that is what a normal Christian life looks like.”  We’re supposed to set an example.

As one of the women said last night “Even if we go forward crying, and still in pain, we go forward.”  So true.  God isn’t looking for a dressed up and shiny package of smiling, bubble-headed believers who have it all together.  He looks at our hearts:  our desire, and willingness to follow Him, and live life differently than the people around us.

I stopped trying to make my daughters go to youth group  when I saw the direction the group was headed.  They were only investing in the kids who looked like they had it all together;  (mostly kids whose parents were leaders in the church) and who had all the outward trappings of what the world would call “leadership potential”.  I didn’t want my kids to learn that kind of Christianity.  My kids have been through hell, and will enter Heaven triumphant, victorious, and strong.  They know how to do warfare.

One night, in the middle of the divorce years, I had a dream.  I was in a large open field, which I understood to be a battle field.  My daughters were standing in the middle of this field, and I watched as my oldest daughter helped her little sister put on her armor, and then put on her own.  Then they each picked up a sword and a shield, and slowly turned to me and said “Okay mom, we’re ready”.  And I woke up.

They struggle, as young adults, to lead lives that are holy.  To know that they are called, but some days just don’t feel like it.  So do I.  We cannot do this on our own strength;  without the help of the Holy Spirit, it just won’t happen.  Life can be just too overwhelming.  If I’m doing this, then I’m neglecting that;  between college applications, financial aid, scholarship forms and deadlines, it’s hard to remember people.  The worries and cares of this world are just that;  once this journey is over, we leave it all behind.  We enter heaven blood-stained, tear-stained, and covered with the dirt of our own personal battles.  But oh, when we get there ….. to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant”.  To be welcomed with open arms and know that we’re safe, loved, forgiven.

It will be worth it all.

New Year, Old Mindset

10 Thursday Jan 2013

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Jesus Discourses with His Disciples

Jesus Discourses with His Disciples (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The holidays were difficult this year;  kind of happy-sad.  The last month has been an emotional roller-coaster.  And I don’t like roller-coasters.  And to top it all off, my grandfather passed away this week, before we could go to see him and take him his Christmas gifts.  None of it feels real, and probably won’t until the funeral, or shortly after.  But I am sad.  We didn’t have a family Christmas, either, this year, due to bad weather.  So I have a house full of uneaten cookies, and gifts not given, and a heart full of memories not made.

I was shopping in a local garden center several weeks before Christmas, and an ornament on a tree caught my eye.  I have always thought that the verse in Luke read “peace on earth and goodwill to all men.”  (Because Charles Schultz said so.  Ask Linus.)  On this ornament, however, it read “Peace on earth, and goodwill to those on whom God‘s favor rests.”  And right there, standing in the store, I thought, wow.  The obvious implication being that there are those on whom God’s favor does not rest.

What does it look like to have the favor of God resting on you?  On me?  What would my life look like?  What does favor even mean?  Somehow I resist the idea that it means (as we are taught) shiny new cars in the driveway, and miles of granite counter-tops in the kitchen; closets full of name-brand clothing and expensive trips in luxury hotels.

So where does the favor of God rest?  On whom?

I took a Discipleship class several years ago at our church.  I was so excited to take this class, as I had heard such good things about it.  Somehow, by the time I got to it, the course had been changed, and had little to do with discipleship as taught by Christ Himself.  He trained His disciples to go and change the world.  We train them to make us look good as a church, and protect our highly vulnerable reputations.

Another church I went to in the past required us to go out into the community as part of our counselor training.  We had to attend AA meetings, and actually go to the Department of Social Services, and report on what we observed.  Before we were allowed to minister to anyone.

As counselors, we are called to stand in the gap.  Much as the Holy Spirit does for us, as our advocate, and helper.  We are called to be people-helpers.  To ‘go about and do good.’  This is what Jesus modeled for the original disciples.  He spent time alone in prayer, and then touched lives.  It wasn’t about Him, or His ‘platform’.  The disciples were not his ‘staff’ enlisted to promote and protect Him.  They were students;  followers learning how to lead.  Going to the people, not being ushered away from them by a group of trained bouncers.  We have turned from wanting the favor of God on our lives to wanting the favor of The Pastors on our lives.  And in all honesty, those who get caught up in this do it largely because the lifestyles they’ve become accustomed to are underwritten by the church.

This is not what I want.  It never was.

I drove through a housing development last week, looking at all of the beautiful houses, and the lights and decorations, and had a small pity-party for myself that I am no longer welcome in the houses of some of these leaders.  But it’s not what I want.  It’s not what I am here for;  not what I am called to.  I haven’t been through hell just to sit and bask in the reflected glory of the few who know how to stir emotions and reward allegiance to the Vision.

Somehow I see Christ Himself pulling away.  Did people follow Him?  Of course.  In Mark chapter two, we see Him getting up early and going away to deserted places to be alone with God.  And the disciples also got up, and followed Him.  “Don’t you know everyone is looking for you?  Hurry up, Jesus, you have a ministry to run.  What are you doing way out here alone?  Come on.  The media are here, and they want pictures.  Maybe you could get a few shots with some of the kids.  Then we’ll take you out for lunch and then maybe do a book-signing for all those who bought your latest book.”

Is it just coincidence that the word favor has  largely been replaced by the word status in our culture?

What is it we really want?

Something to think about before we make all of our well-intentioned resolutions.