Tag Archives: Christianity

New Year, Old Mindset

10 Thursday Jan 2013

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Jesus Discourses with His Disciples

Jesus Discourses with His Disciples (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The holidays were difficult this year;  kind of happy-sad.  The last month has been an emotional roller-coaster.  And I don’t like roller-coasters.  And to top it all off, my grandfather passed away this week, before we could go to see him and take him his Christmas gifts.  None of it feels real, and probably won’t until the funeral, or shortly after.  But I am sad.  We didn’t have a family Christmas, either, this year, due to bad weather.  So I have a house full of uneaten cookies, and gifts not given, and a heart full of memories not made.

I was shopping in a local garden center several weeks before Christmas, and an ornament on a tree caught my eye.  I have always thought that the verse in Luke read “peace on earth and goodwill to all men.”  (Because Charles Schultz said so.  Ask Linus.)  On this ornament, however, it read “Peace on earth, and goodwill to those on whom God‘s favor rests.”  And right there, standing in the store, I thought, wow.  The obvious implication being that there are those on whom God’s favor does not rest.

What does it look like to have the favor of God resting on you?  On me?  What would my life look like?  What does favor even mean?  Somehow I resist the idea that it means (as we are taught) shiny new cars in the driveway, and miles of granite counter-tops in the kitchen; closets full of name-brand clothing and expensive trips in luxury hotels.

So where does the favor of God rest?  On whom?

I took a Discipleship class several years ago at our church.  I was so excited to take this class, as I had heard such good things about it.  Somehow, by the time I got to it, the course had been changed, and had little to do with discipleship as taught by Christ Himself.  He trained His disciples to go and change the world.  We train them to make us look good as a church, and protect our highly vulnerable reputations.

Another church I went to in the past required us to go out into the community as part of our counselor training.  We had to attend AA meetings, and actually go to the Department of Social Services, and report on what we observed.  Before we were allowed to minister to anyone.

As counselors, we are called to stand in the gap.  Much as the Holy Spirit does for us, as our advocate, and helper.  We are called to be people-helpers.  To ‘go about and do good.’  This is what Jesus modeled for the original disciples.  He spent time alone in prayer, and then touched lives.  It wasn’t about Him, or His ‘platform’.  The disciples were not his ‘staff’ enlisted to promote and protect Him.  They were students;  followers learning how to lead.  Going to the people, not being ushered away from them by a group of trained bouncers.  We have turned from wanting the favor of God on our lives to wanting the favor of The Pastors on our lives.  And in all honesty, those who get caught up in this do it largely because the lifestyles they’ve become accustomed to are underwritten by the church.

This is not what I want.  It never was.

I drove through a housing development last week, looking at all of the beautiful houses, and the lights and decorations, and had a small pity-party for myself that I am no longer welcome in the houses of some of these leaders.  But it’s not what I want.  It’s not what I am here for;  not what I am called to.  I haven’t been through hell just to sit and bask in the reflected glory of the few who know how to stir emotions and reward allegiance to the Vision.

Somehow I see Christ Himself pulling away.  Did people follow Him?  Of course.  In Mark chapter two, we see Him getting up early and going away to deserted places to be alone with God.  And the disciples also got up, and followed Him.  “Don’t you know everyone is looking for you?  Hurry up, Jesus, you have a ministry to run.  What are you doing way out here alone?  Come on.  The media are here, and they want pictures.  Maybe you could get a few shots with some of the kids.  Then we’ll take you out for lunch and then maybe do a book-signing for all those who bought your latest book.”

Is it just coincidence that the word favor has  largely been replaced by the word status in our culture?

What is it we really want?

Something to think about before we make all of our well-intentioned resolutions.

Thoughts on a Recent Post

14 Friday Dec 2012

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Pastoral Paradise

(Photo credit: satosphere)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my experiences with pastoral counseling, and how it all ended.  I would have to say that while I wrote about conflict of interest and confidentiality issues, what really ended my counseling was the counselor’s inability to control her temper.  Why I let someone control and label me to the extent that I did is an issue I need to examine for myself, but suffice it to say that this person controlled my life for ten years.  And for ten years I lived within the limits of that definition;  what basically amounted to the opinion of one person.  Just one person.

In some ways, I am still living with the residue of that relationship;  a lot of hurt, grief and confusion.  About who I am, who God is, and how He sees me.  This is why scripture says that “to whom much is given, much is required”.  When we are called to stand in the office of pastor, or teacher, we have a tremendous amount of influence.  Whether we want that much power or not, it is inherent in the relationship, and to deny that is to create situations where the elephant is in the room, but we just talk around it.

In many ways, this person functioned as an abusive parent, as most leaders with an anger problem do.  In my case, they took the place vacated by an abusive husband. I don’t know that I was in a position to see it in the beginning, and would probably have been too tired to care at that point.  And, like most abusive relationships, it wasn’t obvious in the beginning.  Confusing, but not obvious.  The problem with both is trying to figure out if I am messing up God’s plan for my life by leaving.  In the end, I didn’t have to figure it out, as both of them left me anyway.

There is a teaching series on spiritual abuse in the bookstore at church.  I listened to all of it, carefully, and was discouraged to find that it really has little or nothing to do with spiritual abuse, but is instead a discourse on proper attitudes towards leadership.   There is no mention of the abuse of power and authority, which is what spiritual abuse is.  There is no practical suggestion for how to deal with an abusive leader, nor is there any structure in place in our church for getting help.  “Touch not mine anointed”  is our version of “Don’t ask; Don’t tell.”

Leaders are human.  Like everyone else, they have tempers, good days, bad days, family issues, health problems and financial concerns.  They will, sometimes, completely fall short of their calling.  And we get the brunt of that in relationship with them.  I have never met a church member or client, myself included, who couldn’t forgive much when there is a sincere apology, and acknowledgment of wrong-doing.

I have to drive by my counselor’s office quite often, as I am running kids where they need to go, or going to get groceries.  There is always a car there;  she hasn’t died, or fallen off the planet.  She is still meeting with clients;  many of them friends of mine.  The whole thing is surreal.  And I’m realizing there will never be an apology.  There will never be an effort to make amends.  My stuff is still all in her office;  everything is, on the surface, as it always was.  Except that everyone can go there, including my friends, and get ‘help’ but I can’t. She isn’t speaking to me.  This blog hasn’t helped, as she was talking to me, until she read it.

Trusting God to help me with this has done a lot to keep me moving forward, but has in no way lessened the pain of it all.  I don’t really know what else to do.  I know that I don’t want any more angry people in my life, and I certainly will not pay someone to define and label me, ever again.

Truth and Consequences

29 Saturday Sep 2012

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English: View of Parent from mountain

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This past Wednesday marked what would have been my 25th wedding anniversary.  Never in a million years did I dream I would end up divorced, or be a single parent.  I do remember saying to our church at the time that my relationship with God came before my relationship with my husband, and that if at any point he decided not to serve God, I would continue on the path I had already chosen, alone if necessary.  Never really thought that would become my reality, but I can’t in all honesty ever say that I pictured us growing old together, either.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  We didn’t have the same dreams, goals or priorities.  A counselor at that point in my life would have been a wise idea, but it never occurred to me.  Had I listened to my heart, I would have not needed a counselor to tell me this was a Very Bad Idea.  Now I realize the ‘red flags’ were more like emergency flashers.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a guest pastor from Elim Bible College speak at our Sunday morning service.  He spoke on “Failure to Thrive” and drew a diagram of the relationship between God’s ultimate purpose for us individually, and our individual passions and desires.  He said that in every season of our lives, there are ‘quickening moments’ which tell us we are in line with God’s purpose, and then there are the excursions off the path into areas where we lose sight of our goals;  areas where our abilities and gifts are wasted.  He called this ‘unused potential’.  It creates physical and mental fatigue, and entraps us in a cycle of trying harder, only to get discouraged and quit.  Then we feel guilty, and try harder again, and get fatigued, and quit again.  Sound familiar to anyone?

Some of my notes from this message: 

  • “Tired eyes rarely see a good future.”
  • “Don’t lose sight of the source of your strength.”
  • “Christianity is not a self-help religion.”
  • “Grace empowers us to do what grace demands.”
  • “Any time you perform for a promise, you give birth to an Ishmael.”
  • “Premature babies cost twice as much to raise.”
  • “God gives us desire and ability.

Not waiting on God twenty-five years ago for Him to provide a way out has caused considerable pain. It resulted in a way of life largely dependent on miracles just to survive.  Granted, few of us make wise decisions at that age, and as I tell clients, most of them are on the planet because their parents were making emotional decisions, usually without wise counsel or guidance.  Not many of us wake up thinking “Gee, how can I screw up my life today, and the lives of my future children, and/or grandchildren?”  Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have.  We don’t (most of us) plan evil.  Most of the parents I know are just like me;  wanting the best for our children while realizing that our choices over the years have a direct impact on them.  There is a song that I used to hear on the radio a lot;  I can’t remember the artist or the title, but it’s a prayer “to my great-great-great grandchild”  and it just says it all.

I wish I had done differently.  I certainly would have had a better week, as my anniversary is always a time of fresh grief and regret.  But it gets better.  As Joyce Meyer frequently says:  I may not be able to change the past, but I can decide today to change my future.  Listening to God is a huge part of this;  cultivating the soil of our lives, and planting different seeds yields a totally different future.

So let me ask you this:  In what environments do you feel fully alive?  When do you sense the quickening of your spirit, and the stirring up of the gifts God has put within you?  Something to think about today.  Have a Blessed day, people.

“For it is God which worketh in you, both to will and to do of His great pleasure.”  -Philippians 2:13

Warfare in Wonderland

07 Friday Sep 2012

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spirituality shelf

spirituality shelf (Photo credit: professor megan)

There is no greater protection against false teaching than knowing the Word. If you are not going to study it for yourself, expect to be led down a lot of rabbit holes, even in church. And just as God has a plan for your life, so does the enemy. Your best strategy is to study, pray, and stick to truth and common sense.

When I was in counseling, there were a lot of wacky forays into trendy territory that profited little and did more harm than good. Many of our local Christian counselors were caught up in the ‘recovered memory‘ phase that undermined marriage and family therapy in the eighties and nineties. Families were referred to as ‘dysfunctional’ and cutoff was encouraged. No mention of grace, mercy, or forgiveness. No allowances for differences of opinion or habit. Then along came the ‘boundaries’ phase, which was heavily endorsed by those with a strong need to control everything from relationships to conversations.

If I were the enemy, and couldn’t tempt people with obvious sin, wouldn’t it make sense to have a different strategy, aimed at people’s emotional vulnerabilities and unstable belief systems?

A few years ago, a friend had asked some of us to co-facilitate a group for mothers and daughters. Sitting in her beautiful living room, with our girls sprawled listlessly in front of us, we taught and encouraged each other. As my friend was speaking, she said something that seemed to stand out in neon lights in front of me. She said (to the girls) “Whatever demon has been following you [through life] has been keeping a notebook.” She was sitting on one side of the fireplace, and I on the other, and the words hung in the air between us. I don’t even think the girls were paying attention. That thought stayed with me, and over the next few weeks, I had several different experiences.

While driving one day, and thinking about what was said, I was suddenly in the Spirit. As I was on the highway passing the church, I suddenly saw a group of dark figures in a huddle, and realized they were talking about me. As I listened, I realized they were discussing strategy, and I was observing from the side. One of the figures suddenly said ” We’ll just do the usual.” And I suddenly got angry. The vision abruptly ended, and I thought “Really? Am I so predictable to the enemy that all he has to do is say “We’ll just do the usual” and it works?

After several days more thinking about this, it finally dawned on me [so to speak] to ask God to help me develop my own strategy to counteract the enemy, and strengthen myself spiritually.

Shortly after this experience, I asked God to reveal the names of these three figures who were exerting such influence on my life. What eventually came to me was Fear, Grief and Shame. No matter how hard I tried; no matter what effort I put into lists, plans, goals, and resolutions, I saw that I could be blind-sided by any one of these at any time. I suddenly saw it as a strategic plan to keep me from even remotely making progress in fulfilling the purposes of God in my life.

I have severe social phobia, which means that I am highly unlikely to head off to a bar, or casino for an evening of mindless fun. It also means that I generally make a complete idiot of myself whenever I leave the house and attempt any adult interaction, but it at least limits the trouble I can get into out in the world. (Well, except for the getting fired part.) If the enemy has a strategy for me, it almost always involves unwitting church leaders, counselors, and elders. As well-meaning as they are, they unknowingly play into a strategy that was developed long before they met me. The major themes of my life: shame, fear, rejection and grief, get played out in the church theater; the actual players may change, but not the strategy. At first, the only counter-strategy I could come up with was to just keep going and not quit. And this works, to some extent, but it makes for an awfully depressing life.

What is far better is to develop a strong and steady core, or center, where nothing, absolutely nothing, shakes you. A determination to be polite, kind, strong, steady and stable regardless of how others act or treat you. I have been reading a lot of Gordon MacDonald lately. Gordon is the editor-at-large for Leadership Journal; his writing is sincere and truthful. In the book Ordering Your Private World, he describes the day he ‘hit the wall’, and what this did to him spiritually. He goes on to write about the importance of developing your inner life to the extent that what happens publicly doesn’t derail you spiritually.

I have hit a lot of walls; I expect there will be more. The best strategy is to become so strong, and so focused on the end goal  (that final affirmation on the part of God: “Well done, good and faithful servant”) that no slight, insult or unkindness on the part of another affects us to the degree that we react in kind.  Forgiveness.  Grace.  Mercy.  These are our weapons;  the best strategies for peace in times of turmoil.  Always err on the side of love;  it disarms any weapon the enemy will try to use against you.

Lattes in the Lobby

29 Wednesday Aug 2012

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Description: Coffee cortado (An latte art exam...

Description: Coffee cortado (An latte art example) Author: Mortefot from flickr.com Date: May 22, 2005 Source: Image on flickr.com License: Creative Commons Attribution License Version 2.0 (“cc-by-sa-2.0”) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being a Christian in America isn’t like being a Christian anywhere else in the world.  There is a sense of entitlement pervading the church;  prosperity to most American Christians means a life of leisure and the ability to have whatever those in Hollywood have.  It’s “Name it and Claim it” on steroids.  Go into any Christian bookstore, and there is more cheesy plastic junk with scripture on it than there are high quality, well-made items.  We have books and Bibles, Christian entertainment, mints with scripture printed on them, and more future garage-sale items than we can possibly ever need.  While our fellow Christians around the world are risking their lives to read well-worn pages of scripture, we can lay around reading christian romance novels.  The sad part is, this is not the life we signed up for.  It happens gradually to most of us;  the initial high we get from embracing a new way of life gives way to feelings of emptiness, and ever-increasing attempts to appear prosperous.  We’re not rooted and grounded, we’re frantic and stressed.  But we sure look good, don’t we?

Churches look more and more like shopping malls.  I recently went in to the bookstore at our church to buy a bible for someone, and got all caught up trying to decide between the pink, the purple, or the gold.  (We chose pink.)  And bought several more things on the way to the counter.  And of course, we needed two specialty coffees for the ride home; make mine a latte, please.

Our daily lives aren’t really any different from everybody else.  We watch the same television shows, go to the same movies, and listen to the same music.  I know quite a few Christians who think nothing of driving out to spend time at the casino.  What in the world are we thinking?  We’re not going there to witness, we’re going to be entertained.  Is this really where we want to spend time and money?  This is what calling and separation are about;  being in the world and not of it.  It’s remembering that whether we are going to Taco Bell or the gas station, we are ministers on a mission, 24/7.  We are so afraid of offending people that we end up not affecting anybody.  We have the spiritual authority to make a difference;  to influence the environment around us, and instead of using our authority, we leave it to the church leaders to worry about while we run off to play with our friends.  We adapt to culture when we should be creating it.

Ain’t it grand to be a christian.  Ain’t it grand.

Recipes for Blessing in a Time of Battle

18 Saturday Aug 2012

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List of breads

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Last night the Pastor spoke about a vision he had a few years ago.  It concerned three angels;  one was holding a stopwatch, one was holding a trumpet, and the third was holding a sword in one hand, and three large books in the other.  This angel was preparing believers for battle (the sword) by providing instruction concerning “Battle Prayers”  such as Psalm 25, 26, 27, 37, and 51 to pray and declare over our lives; the second book was a book of “Songs of Thanksgiving” (which is a form of spiritual warfare) and  the third book was a book of specific instructions, like a cookbook.  The instructions are like recipes; to be followed exactly, not only for increasing blessing and prosperity in a time of battle, but  so that we can be prepared for the times to come.  For the people who will come.  For those of us who have been Christians for a very long time, much of this should be habit by now.  Because we are so unprepared and undisciplined, we live sloppy, unfruitful lives. Many in the Church are finding themselves going back to what they were taught in the beginning, and trying to make up for lost time, myself included. We are not yet ready.

Today I am making banana bread for the baby’s first birthday party.  I suddenly realized the cookbook was lying on the counter unopened;  I have made this so many times, and am so familiar with the recipe, that it’s now habit.  This is how familiar we should be with the Word of God;  the best strategy is to prepare before the battle: in times of peace, and prosperity.

I lost focus for a while;  grief caught me off guard, and while God sustained me emotionally and physically, my faith has been eroded with all of the ups and downs of life.  I feel that I was much stronger spiritually than I am now.  Not sure if it is due to depression, medication, or distraction, but the fact is I am not where I was.  A lot of it is due to the experience I went through in the church (hence the medication) but I do know that a lot of that was part of the enemy’s strategy to take me out of  a place I was called to.  It’s difficult to stay the course when things are said, or done that are not fair.  When people cause such pain that it leaves scars and memories that hurt and distract when you’re trying to keep focused.  It’s hard not to want to defend yourself, or run away.

The pastor also spoke about words, and the danger of idle words, or returning evil for evil.  Blessing someone who has done you great harm takes more strength than I have.  It also seems stupid.  Aren’t we supposed to assert ourselves, and confront those who irritate us?  Isn’t being compassionate kind of wishy-washy?

I realized a long time ago that I can be polite and still set boundaries.  I’m not good at it, but am aware of it.  It’s possible to be courteous to those who have been rude, or who have spread gossip, in an effort to impress those who have chosen them as leaders.  Those are the things we take to God, in our private and personal prayer time (or on the spot when necessary)  and leave on the altar before Him,  while getting our instruction for what to do next.  Right now, the instruction is to prepare:  to study the Word and get our lives in order.  But first I have to finish making the banana bread.

“Study and be eager and do your utmost to present yourself to God approved (tested by trial), a workman who has no cause to be ashamed, correctly analyzing and accurately dividing [rightly handling and skillfully teaching] the Word of Truth.”      II Timothy 2:15 (Amp)

Learning the Hard Way

11 Saturday Aug 2012

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English: The Arcadian or Pastoral State, secon...

English: The Arcadian or Pastoral State, second painting in The Course of Empire, by Thomas Cole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Counseling was supposed to help me find my voice, but it didn’t;  at least not in the way that writing has.  I have a difficult time sitting in front of someone and talking about myself;  the whole setup is fraught with anxiety and performance-driven psycho-babble.  Over coffee with a close friend?  Yes, maybe.  And sometimes a good session is like that, and I leave feeling lighter, and hopeful.  Other times, interventions feel more like accusations, and I feel trapped, and say anything just to get the session over with so I can get out of there fast.  It shouldn’t be that way, but that’s just how I’m wired.

God doesn’t always redeem our circumstances, but he uses them to redeem us.  He can’t make the other person be willing to forgive, and restore a broken relationship.  He sends a Redeemer;  someone who can advocate for us, and plead our case.

Common sense and loving-kindness both require dealing with issues and facing the risk of a broken relationship.  Speaking up can be terrifying, and the consequences can be devastating.  Writing is so much easier.  Being a very passive person, I prefer avoidance, but maturity requires otherwise.  Communication is difficult;  it’s time-consuming, and often frustrating.

I don’t handle confrontation well.  Counseling was supposed to help me learn to be more assertive;  less timid, less afraid. My counselor assured me over and over again that I would become stronger, and not so insecure.  That I would learn how to handle situations that seem out of control, and terrifying.  I’m still waiting.

Someone told me once that I seem to have “an awful lot of angry people in my life.”  I didn’t know what to say.  He was right.

I miss my old friends.  I’m not good at phone calls, or actually getting together with people.  I am in my head, just not in reality.  I tend to seek out a safe person, and hide behind them.  I don’t mean to do it, I just can’t seem to help doing it.  Those who aren’t bewildered by it are irritated by it.  I’ve heard everything from “What the hell is wrong with you?”  to “Who do you think you are, one of us?”  Neither of which is helpful, and ultimately makes the problem worse, not better.  My counselor got tired of having to “prove herself” and that relationship also ended in an angry outburst, and hurt feelings and broken fellowship.  So much for that.  Can God redeem me?  Yes, of course.  Can the past be healed and restored?  I don’t know.  I only know that He who has promised is faithful.   And so I wait.  Worship and wait.

Be blessed, people.

Hold the drama…..please.

03 Thursday Nov 2011

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Jesus is considered by scholars such as Weber ...

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We spend an awful lot of time as Christians ‘casting out’ bad habits and ‘rebuking’ bad manners.  More often than not,  miracles come not in a dramatic scene in the front of the church, but in the privacy of our everyday lives.  Sometimes deliverance is a matter of getting out of bed,  making the coffee, opening the front door, and facing the world. It may be making a phone call,  an appointment, or actually opening the bills, and possibly even paying them. Not as romantic, maybe, but to the legions of demons waiting to stop us (lest, God forbid, we overcome those bad habits and actually do something with our lives) much more threatening.  Sudden miracles do not generally make for mature, wise people.

So, instead of screeching “I rebuke you!” with pointed finger, and mock authority to everyone who irritates us, let’s just relax.  A little bit.  Take a breath, count to ten, or whatever works for you, and let it go.  Save it for the real battles; they will come.  Tearing down strongholds is tedious work, and requires facing some harsh reality.  That shouldn’t mean being harsh with each other.  Or ourselves, for that matter.  A little grace goes a long way

“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God, to the pulling down of strongholds; casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God.” 

My Brethren, These Things Ought Not To Be…

25 Monday Jul 2011

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Christ's Charge to Peter by Raphael, 1515. In ...

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I went to a wedding a few weeks ago.  The bride, whom I love dearly,  was beautiful.  What was disturbingly not beautiful was the behavior of some of the church leaders.

At the wedding,  the pastor and his entourage went around to each table, greeting and visiting with the wedding guests, who were pretty much divided around the dance floor.  At our table there were two women who had recently fought cancer, a woman who is currently going through a divorce, and my daughter and I.  My daughter has been asking God for a chance to speak to the pastor, because she is struggling with coming back to the church.  The group surrounding the pastor stood at the table next to us for a while, and then, without even acknowledging any of the women at our table, moved smoothly to the next table.  I am not sure if we were being shunned as a group, or if it was meant to exclude a specific person.  Moments before, on the other side of the room, the pastor was saying to a friend of mine something about the importance of the church reaching out to those in the world who are in need, and our responsibility as a church to care for the poor, and unloved.

My point is,  that as beautiful as the wedding was, the event was marred by behavior that was  both inexcusable and childish.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of our leaders, and ashamed to be associated with them.  As a woman, one of the things that had so impressed me with this church, was the way women seemed to be honored, and respected.  Coming from a situation of  domestic violence, and spiritual abuse, it was so unbelievably healing for me to come into what appeared to be a safe place.  Any counselor who deals with trauma knows how important it is to establish safety  and trust before any true  life change can occur.  The intense grief I feel,  when I think back to how happy I was in my early days in the church, is overwhelming sometimes.

As a single parent in the church, I have been through hell.  My divorce shook my faith; my experience within the church has all but destroyed it.  I was told by my counselor that although I am more than qualified to teach in the church, I can’t be “sold” to the church because . . . “Well . . . you know . . . you act funny”.   Really?  Well, let me be clear:  I cannot be sold, bought, traded, or trashed, period.  To the church, or to anyone else.

But sometimes I do act funny.  I get nervous in a crowd;  I’m horribly shy;  I have absolutely no social skills whatsoever.  I would be perfectly happy to be exiled to an island with nothing but pen and paper, to have visions of heaven and write letters to the churches.   But God . . . has called me to live here, in this time, in this culture, in this city, and to love people.  Yes, even these people.  No matter what they do, no matter what is said about me.  For years I have carried this quote in my wallet:

“The demands of holiness are the same regardless of circumstances.”

So what do we do?  We come with grace, and mercy.  We love those who persecute us, whether in or out of the church.  We love those who treat us wrong. We learn from the horrible experience, and hopefully, when we are called to lead, we remember to do so differently.  And more importantly, we forgive . . . because they know not what damage they do.

Rebuilding a Life

04 Wednesday May 2011

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Violet Wood Sorrel (Oxalis violacea) 2

It is no easy task to reassemble a life.  It consumes time, energy, and resources, both mentally and physically.  Sometimes the resources just aren’t there.  We have to find, or create them out of the scraps and shards of what once was.  It’s a long process of weighing what to keep, what  to let go of; and it hurts like hell.  Trying to cut the process short only makes things worse.  Healing is a long, arduous journey;  why do we think people should be better in six weeks, or six months after devastating loss, or a prolonged illness?  Grief typically hits full-force somewhere around six months, and takes most people one to two years to begin to feel really healthy again.  Anniversary dates and holidays seem to start the process all over again.  But gradually, over time, there are more good days than bad days.

In the beginning, the goal was coffee and a shower.  Then, a few household chores. And that was about it, for a while.  Some days, the goal was  getting outside, or making a phone call.  Somewhere along the way, I decided to throw away at least ten things a day.  It didn’t matter if it was ten broken crayons, or ten pieces of paper.  There were setbacks and shutdowns.  Strength, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, is not acquired overnight.  For me, the spiritual had to come first, or there would have been no lasting healing.  The emotional healing is taking a lot longer, but that’s okay.  I’ve learned enough about God over the years  to know that it will come in time.  We only cheat ourselves when we try to rush the process.  Anything worth having in the future must have a good solid foundation that can only be built through the hard work of healing. Removing the old foundation, and starting over; line by line, precept upon precept; daily doing the work of getting up and going at it again, no matter how horribly difficult yesterday was, is the only sure way to build a testimony.

“Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?  I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”  Isaiah 43:18, 19