I have lost my heart for writing lately. An unexpected turn of events has left me feeling like I maybe should just not do this. Any of it. Someone I care about read my blog, and was hurt by it. So I have gone through each post and tried to clean it up, and delete things that could be taken personally, but well aware in the process that I am once again deleting myself. It’s difficult.
My Aunt went into the hospital on Thursday; she needs a pacemaker to regulate her heartbeat. I was thinking this morning that I wish I could have an emotional pacemaker for when things are overwhelming, and the world is scary. So that when a relationship ends, I could continue to function without being blindsided by grief. But that’s not how life works. Loss hurts.
I went to church Friday evening; the worst part (for me) is when the ushers try to seat you. A very severe lady told me to “follow her” and I thought, oh, sweetheart, that’s not how this works. I held back, and sat in the back row, as I always do, which visibly irritates them. Only I can manage my anxiety in church, and angry ushers do not help. She was not happy.
I had a client once who said that he had tried to go to church, and he really liked it, except that when it came time for the offering, the ushers closed and locked the doors into the hallway. And this particular client also suffers from severe anxiety. He was never able to go back; psychologically, he understood why they would do that (the church is in the city) but physiologically, he just couldn’t do it again. I felt so bad for him. Our church also has locked doors; ropes, and people who shut you out, or trap you in hallways when you only meant to go to the ladies room quickly and get back in your seat before the whole room was sitting down. I leave church exhausted. And sad. A lot of anxiety, and a lot of grief. I wonder what God thinks as He observes all of this, done in His name? To inspire worship of Him? To help us to see Him reflected in the lives of those who serve Him? Because I don’t see it, not much, anyway. I see organizational chaos. A lot of Very Important People running around with their headsets, and beepers, and pagers, very impressed with their roles and titles, but not really having a clue what they’re doing. Or what they’re doing to people. Does God care?
Grief is a horrible, horrible feeling. I am overwhelmed with it this week, and can’t write much. A pacemaker would help. My heart also beats too slowly sometimes, like my aunt. My emotional heart also beats slowly, and sometimes bottoms out completely. I have a meeting at church in an hour. There was a wonderful gentleman who took my application for the Life Teams; when he asked why I have not been involved in church, I accidentally blurted out “Because they do not want me.” And he threw his head back and laughed. No, really; that was the message left on my answering machine. But I laughed too. And said I want to be involved, and I do, my nerves don’t, and is there a place for me where nobody can see me? I just want to help people; to love those who hurt like I do, and tell them it’s okay. It is all going to be okay. They will be okay. Time does not heal everything. All healing takes time. Some things will not heal, not in this lifetime. Grief does not get better; gone is, well, gone. No therapy technique can fix a broken relationship, or heal a loss. Only God can.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness….” ~II Corinthians 12:9