I feel like my daughter and I have just been drifting alone in a tiny boat for the last year, knowing the edge was getting closer, and we were going to go over, but I was completely unable to do anything about it. And go over we did, in July, because there was nothing to hold onto, and nobody was watching.
It’s amazing how your life can just quietly come to a complete stop- can end- while the rest of the world just goes on without you. We went over the edge, and nobody noticed. Everything just disappeared.
I’m not who I was before this all happened. I feel it when I sit down to work and don’t know what to write, or when I pick up a pencil and don’t remember how to draw, or a paintbrush and can’t paint. Or play the piano.
I see neither pillar nor cloud. Just unending darkness.
The God that I have created in my head is not the God of the Bible. This thought occurred to me the other night when I was out walking. The God in my head is impersonal, detached. Critical, and somewhat harsh; usually irritated, if not angry. Punitive. I don’t even know how or when everything changed, I only know that it has. I see Him as another person to whom I don’t measure up; another place where I am not wanted, or am no longer free to go. I don’t see Him (in my mind) as the loving, gentle, forgiving God of mercy I read about in scripture.
I cannot serve both.
Forgiveness is hard work. Not impossible, but hard.