Category Archives: The Journey

Trust

11 Saturday May 2013

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English: The Promised Land. View south west th...

English: The Promised Land. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So we have to move.  Again.  It seems that every time we get settled, and I get everything just the way I want it, the landlord sells the house or the rent goes up.

So, here we go again.  And I don’t even know where we’re going.  Last nights’ message at church was a reminder that we live in tents;  we’re not here forever.  When we get to the Promised Land, we can settle and build houses, and multiply, but until then, it’s all packing and moving.

I have prayed and prayed about this;  what is the wisest thing to do?  Stay and pay the higher amount, or use it as an opportunity to move on?  Tiffany graduates this year,  Brittany is already out on her own, and really, I am free to go wherever I feel God is leading me.  I keep reminding myself that God is a God of order, and that He does indeed lead us step by step.

I feel in my heart it is time to move.  But I am so comfortable here.  I hate change;  I like to take a couple of years to slow down and think about things before I do anything.  I don’t have an impulsive bone in my body.  It’s why sudden endings and losses leave me feeling blind-sided, and take so long to recover from.

I have learned this;  it’s not wise as a tent-dweller to accumulate so much stuff.  I’ve spent the last few weeks going through drawers, and boxes and closets.  Pulled out a huge box of journals from the last fifteen years;  found photos and memories, cards and letters.  And one thing is clear;  God has been at the center of it all, always preparing the way ahead of me, and providing when there was no way we could have made it this far.  And always, always, scripture, on everything.  Scrapbooks, high school yearbooks,  journals, notebooks.  The Word of God has been my rock and foundation through it all.  Like a thread woven through all of the situations and circumstances, the dark times and the happy times, there is the Word of God.  Safe, stable, unchanging, and able to keep me from falling.  Or from getting lost.

So there is no reason to fear.  Even if I make a wrong decision, God is able.

Have a Blessed day, people.

“In quietness and trust is your strength.”   Isaiah 30:15

Hope Deferred

07 Sunday Apr 2013

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Still life with Bible, by Vincent Van Gogh

Still life with Bible, by Vincent Van Gogh (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Haven’t written lately;  life has not been cooperating with all of my good intentions.  And my heart just isn’t in it anymore.

I have given up on the whole mental health/counseling thing.  It just does not work.  Not the way I believe that it should.  Over the years I have been through countless sessions, in and out of church, survived two exorcisms (don’t ask) and,  most recently, a psychologist insisted that I work my way through the alphabet during a panic attack.  Except that I don’t have panic attacks;  have never had one in my entire life, and therefore don’t feel an urgent need to treat them.  At least, not my own.  But, the session was ending, and she had boxes to check, and I know that ‘give client homework’ is one of them, so I politely said okay.  The next time I have a panic attack in Wegman’s, I’ll stand in the middle of the aisle saying “A, apple.  B, ball…”  And she was happy with that.

We won’t be going there again.

I got in the car thinking This is why people drink.  This, the way I feel right now.  This ‘nobody is hearing me’ feeling.  It is the most horrible painful, twisting feeling, in the very innermost parts of your being.  Like having your insides pulled up and out through your heart.  Depression doesn’t begin to describe it.

What I am is sad.  And tired.  I’m grieving, not panicking.  And I’m tired of talking to strangers, and doctors, and counselors, trying to explain things they don’t understand, about a situation they can’t fix, and didn’t have anything to do with in the first place. All I get from the church is silence, and all I get from the world is “it sounds like you should maybe just not go to church anymore”.  Neither one is right.

Good counseling takes time.  I don’t believe in ‘short-term therapy’ for long-term problems.  Not for real growth, healing, and a changed life.  It’s a combination of discipleship, mentoring, teaching, and sometimes parenting.  We are hurt in the context of relationship, and so are healed in relationship.

Nor do I believe in changing therapists, or constantly starting over, or trying different ones like so many different pairs of shoes.  I don’t bounce from person to person in my personal life, and don’t care to in my counseling.  Many, many clients have told me the same thing.  They establish a relationship, begin to build trust, open up, (or wake up) and suddenly the rug gets pulled out from under them, whether because of insurance, or mandated treatment, or the high turn-over rate in agencies.  It makes it impossible to learn how to trust anybody, or get any sense of stability and safety.

There is no box for ‘client gives up’ so they get checked off as non-compliant.

I think life was easier when all I had was God, my Bible and my kitchen table.  So I will go back to waiting.  And praying.  Waiting for God to move in my life, for healing to come, and things to be resolved, and the whole mess to be untangled.  To be able finally, once and forever, to put the whole thing behind me and not carry it around anymore.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”    Proverbs 13:12

Walking Through the Wilderness

23 Saturday Feb 2013

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img013 San Pedro River

Photo credit: gem66)

I cried, this week, in the doctor’s office.  Quite hard, actually.  In the waiting room.  In front of everybody.  Got lost on the way there, ran out of gas and was twenty minutes late for my appointment.  Desperately needed prescriptions filled, as they ran out a while ago, but I haven’t been able to get an appointment anywhere.  (I lost most of my medical care when I lost my job.)

‘I’m sorry ma’am, but we will have to reschedule you for later in March.  No one can see you today.”  “Yes, I heard you.”  Cried harder.  Once the flood gates are open, it’s hard to stop.                                                                              “Ma’am, nobody can see you.”                                                                          “Yes, but I need help today.”  “Would you like to reschedule?”  No, thank you, I really just want to die.  I did reschedule, made it out to the hallway, sat down on the stairs and cried harder.

“My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.”  (Exodus 33:14)

I hate being on Medicaid, I hate being stuck in a system that probably sounds good on paper, but doesn’t work in reality.  Hate being a single parent, and not having a husband to help with all of this. How in the world do people do this?

I went to church last night.  It was packed;  we’re having a conference, and I really wanted to go, as the speaker was someone who had prayed over me a long time ago;  an amazing, prophetic prayer, when I was going through my divorce.  The whole process of getting a seat in church is a humiliating experience for me.  I miss the ushers at my old church;  always helpful, always respectful, and kind.  Thank God, a friend stepped in to the hallway, and took me to sit with her and her husband.

But, still.

It would be nice, to have someone to go to church with (hide behind?) and have him deal with the ushers, and find a seat for me.  To be protected, cared for, and loved.  I am so grateful for my friend, and her husband, but I want my own husband.

The lobby was packed with people, visiting, laughing, talking.  A lot of noise, lights and motion.  It’s an assault on the senses, and I look for someone familiar to attach to; otherwise it’s an out-of-body experience, but there was no one, so I hid in the bookstore.  And pretended I was having fun, with my coffee, all by myself.  Because this is what divorced women in the church do.

On the way to the car, there was another couple who walked out with me (they never say hi to me, have never, in thirteen years;  my daughter informed me once that the mother can’t stand me)  but they were laughing, and walking together to their car, and I envied her.  Because she had someone to sit with in church, and to go home and do family with.  To do marriage with.  And she has cute clothes.

We claimed a verse this week, one of the women and I did, for the prayer and coffee group that meets in my home.

“See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up;  do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness, and streams in the desert.”  Isaiah 43:19

Thank God.  Because this has been a very long walk.  And I’m tired.

Still Waters

Still Waters (Photo credit: SweetCapture)

Straight Paths

13 Wednesday Feb 2013

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English: The path here is nicely improved A bo...

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“So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.  Mark out a straight path for your feet.  Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.”  Hebrews 12:12-13 

We are called to  live holy lives for God‘s glory, our benefit, and to help others.  Hard to do when you’re tired.  And shaky.  And you just don’t feel like it.  Don’t want to get up, stand up, start out on the path again, or deal with others. Anybody.  (Unless they’re bringing you a fresh cup of coffee.)

To ‘mark out a straight path for your feet’ means to live (as John Maxwell says) an intentional life.  To decide where you’re going, what you are and are not going to do today.  Who will you spend time with?  Do you even know what path you’re on?  The people you spend time with are largely determined by the places you decide to go, or not go.  Do you know where you want to end up?

Things happen;  life happens.  And it seems to take an awful lot of energy some days to walk this thing out.

I joined a gym in December because the orthopedic surgeon said I need to go;  swimming and Pilates are the best exercises for Scoliosis and arthritis.  I have yet to go.  I won’t feel better until I do, but most days I don’t feel well enough to actually get in the car and drive there.  (And there are people there etc., etc.)

This isn’t at all what this verse is talking about, I don’t think, but it certainly is one way to apply it.  When Paul wrote this letter to the Hebrew Christians, he was encouraging them to lead intentional lives.  Do you know we are supposed to have followers? That people should be able to look at us and say “So that is what a normal Christian life looks like.”  We’re supposed to set an example.

As one of the women said last night “Even if we go forward crying, and still in pain, we go forward.”  So true.  God isn’t looking for a dressed up and shiny package of smiling, bubble-headed believers who have it all together.  He looks at our hearts:  our desire, and willingness to follow Him, and live life differently than the people around us.

I stopped trying to make my daughters go to youth group  when I saw the direction the group was headed.  They were only investing in the kids who looked like they had it all together;  (mostly kids whose parents were leaders in the church) and who had all the outward trappings of what the world would call “leadership potential”.  I didn’t want my kids to learn that kind of Christianity.  My kids have been through hell, and will enter Heaven triumphant, victorious, and strong.  They know how to do warfare.

One night, in the middle of the divorce years, I had a dream.  I was in a large open field, which I understood to be a battle field.  My daughters were standing in the middle of this field, and I watched as my oldest daughter helped her little sister put on her armor, and then put on her own.  Then they each picked up a sword and a shield, and slowly turned to me and said “Okay mom, we’re ready”.  And I woke up.

They struggle, as young adults, to lead lives that are holy.  To know that they are called, but some days just don’t feel like it.  So do I.  We cannot do this on our own strength;  without the help of the Holy Spirit, it just won’t happen.  Life can be just too overwhelming.  If I’m doing this, then I’m neglecting that;  between college applications, financial aid, scholarship forms and deadlines, it’s hard to remember people.  The worries and cares of this world are just that;  once this journey is over, we leave it all behind.  We enter heaven blood-stained, tear-stained, and covered with the dirt of our own personal battles.  But oh, when we get there ….. to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant”.  To be welcomed with open arms and know that we’re safe, loved, forgiven.

It will be worth it all.

Just A Thought

24 Thursday Jan 2013

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The famous set of columns from the Roman Forum...

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The enemy always attacks a birth or a death.  He doesn’t care too much about the in-between because we mess that up pretty good on our own.  Grief and loss drive us to our knees faster than complacency does;  the initial excitement of birthing anything, whether it’s a baby, a business, or a ministry wakes us up and wipes the apathy out of our eyes, at least in the beginning.  Several sleepless months, or years later, and we’re pretty much zombified and harmless.  We run on coffee and anxiety.

Define your dreams;  write them down, and live intentional lives, but know this: once you begin this process, if you are serious at all, the enemy will also organize a counter-attack to keep that which is forming in the spiritual realm from coming into fruition in the natural realm.  And should we persevere and prosper, he will attack whatever is birthed and pursue it all the way to the wilderness.  Stay focused.  If deception doesn’t work, he will try dissention;  if that doesn’t work, he will use distraction.  His ultimate goal is always destruction.  You are God‘s answer to the enemy.

“This one step – choosing a goal and sticking to it – changes everything.”   Scott Reed.

New Year, Old Mindset

10 Thursday Jan 2013

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Jesus Discourses with His Disciples

Jesus Discourses with His Disciples (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The holidays were difficult this year;  kind of happy-sad.  The last month has been an emotional roller-coaster.  And I don’t like roller-coasters.  And to top it all off, my grandfather passed away this week, before we could go to see him and take him his Christmas gifts.  None of it feels real, and probably won’t until the funeral, or shortly after.  But I am sad.  We didn’t have a family Christmas, either, this year, due to bad weather.  So I have a house full of uneaten cookies, and gifts not given, and a heart full of memories not made.

I was shopping in a local garden center several weeks before Christmas, and an ornament on a tree caught my eye.  I have always thought that the verse in Luke read “peace on earth and goodwill to all men.”  (Because Charles Schultz said so.  Ask Linus.)  On this ornament, however, it read “Peace on earth, and goodwill to those on whom God‘s favor rests.”  And right there, standing in the store, I thought, wow.  The obvious implication being that there are those on whom God’s favor does not rest.

What does it look like to have the favor of God resting on you?  On me?  What would my life look like?  What does favor even mean?  Somehow I resist the idea that it means (as we are taught) shiny new cars in the driveway, and miles of granite counter-tops in the kitchen; closets full of name-brand clothing and expensive trips in luxury hotels.

So where does the favor of God rest?  On whom?

I took a Discipleship class several years ago at our church.  I was so excited to take this class, as I had heard such good things about it.  Somehow, by the time I got to it, the course had been changed, and had little to do with discipleship as taught by Christ Himself.  He trained His disciples to go and change the world.  We train them to make us look good as a church, and protect our highly vulnerable reputations.

Another church I went to in the past required us to go out into the community as part of our counselor training.  We had to attend AA meetings, and actually go to the Department of Social Services, and report on what we observed.  Before we were allowed to minister to anyone.

As counselors, we are called to stand in the gap.  Much as the Holy Spirit does for us, as our advocate, and helper.  We are called to be people-helpers.  To ‘go about and do good.’  This is what Jesus modeled for the original disciples.  He spent time alone in prayer, and then touched lives.  It wasn’t about Him, or His ‘platform’.  The disciples were not his ‘staff’ enlisted to promote and protect Him.  They were students;  followers learning how to lead.  Going to the people, not being ushered away from them by a group of trained bouncers.  We have turned from wanting the favor of God on our lives to wanting the favor of The Pastors on our lives.  And in all honesty, those who get caught up in this do it largely because the lifestyles they’ve become accustomed to are underwritten by the church.

This is not what I want.  It never was.

I drove through a housing development last week, looking at all of the beautiful houses, and the lights and decorations, and had a small pity-party for myself that I am no longer welcome in the houses of some of these leaders.  But it’s not what I want.  It’s not what I am here for;  not what I am called to.  I haven’t been through hell just to sit and bask in the reflected glory of the few who know how to stir emotions and reward allegiance to the Vision.

Somehow I see Christ Himself pulling away.  Did people follow Him?  Of course.  In Mark chapter two, we see Him getting up early and going away to deserted places to be alone with God.  And the disciples also got up, and followed Him.  “Don’t you know everyone is looking for you?  Hurry up, Jesus, you have a ministry to run.  What are you doing way out here alone?  Come on.  The media are here, and they want pictures.  Maybe you could get a few shots with some of the kids.  Then we’ll take you out for lunch and then maybe do a book-signing for all those who bought your latest book.”

Is it just coincidence that the word favor has  largely been replaced by the word status in our culture?

What is it we really want?

Something to think about before we make all of our well-intentioned resolutions.

Thoughts on a Recent Post

14 Friday Dec 2012

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Pastoral Paradise

(Photo credit: satosphere)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my experiences with pastoral counseling, and how it all ended.  I would have to say that while I wrote about conflict of interest and confidentiality issues, what really ended my counseling was the counselor’s inability to control her temper.  Why I let someone control and label me to the extent that I did is an issue I need to examine for myself, but suffice it to say that this person controlled my life for ten years.  And for ten years I lived within the limits of that definition;  what basically amounted to the opinion of one person.  Just one person.

In some ways, I am still living with the residue of that relationship;  a lot of hurt, grief and confusion.  About who I am, who God is, and how He sees me.  This is why scripture says that “to whom much is given, much is required”.  When we are called to stand in the office of pastor, or teacher, we have a tremendous amount of influence.  Whether we want that much power or not, it is inherent in the relationship, and to deny that is to create situations where the elephant is in the room, but we just talk around it.

In many ways, this person functioned as an abusive parent, as most leaders with an anger problem do.  In my case, they took the place vacated by an abusive husband. I don’t know that I was in a position to see it in the beginning, and would probably have been too tired to care at that point.  And, like most abusive relationships, it wasn’t obvious in the beginning.  Confusing, but not obvious.  The problem with both is trying to figure out if I am messing up God’s plan for my life by leaving.  In the end, I didn’t have to figure it out, as both of them left me anyway.

There is a teaching series on spiritual abuse in the bookstore at church.  I listened to all of it, carefully, and was discouraged to find that it really has little or nothing to do with spiritual abuse, but is instead a discourse on proper attitudes towards leadership.   There is no mention of the abuse of power and authority, which is what spiritual abuse is.  There is no practical suggestion for how to deal with an abusive leader, nor is there any structure in place in our church for getting help.  “Touch not mine anointed”  is our version of “Don’t ask; Don’t tell.”

Leaders are human.  Like everyone else, they have tempers, good days, bad days, family issues, health problems and financial concerns.  They will, sometimes, completely fall short of their calling.  And we get the brunt of that in relationship with them.  I have never met a church member or client, myself included, who couldn’t forgive much when there is a sincere apology, and acknowledgment of wrong-doing.

I have to drive by my counselor’s office quite often, as I am running kids where they need to go, or going to get groceries.  There is always a car there;  she hasn’t died, or fallen off the planet.  She is still meeting with clients;  many of them friends of mine.  The whole thing is surreal.  And I’m realizing there will never be an apology.  There will never be an effort to make amends.  My stuff is still all in her office;  everything is, on the surface, as it always was.  Except that everyone can go there, including my friends, and get ‘help’ but I can’t. She isn’t speaking to me.  This blog hasn’t helped, as she was talking to me, until she read it.

Trusting God to help me with this has done a lot to keep me moving forward, but has in no way lessened the pain of it all.  I don’t really know what else to do.  I know that I don’t want any more angry people in my life, and I certainly will not pay someone to define and label me, ever again.

All Roads [Do Not] Lead to Rome

03 Monday Dec 2012

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Syracuse University - Hall of Languages

Syracuse University – Hall of Languages (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to a graduation ceremony up at Syracuse University tonight.  One of the speakers discussed the current state of the United Nations.  She also spoke about our individual responsibility to support this new global citizenship currently overtaking our world.  I was particularly interested, because Pastor Carter spoke on the same topic Friday night in his message on The Mystery of Lawlessness.  He discussed current worldviews, and the coming globalization of the economy and religious ideology, as pertaining to the end times, and the second coming of Christ.  The text was taken from II Thessalonians, chapter 2, regarding the events that will precede the return of the Lord to the earth.  There is more to this teaching than I can go into at this hour, but I would encourage anyone who missed it to get the CD and listen to it;  preferably with a notebook handy.

In the book The Second Coming of Christ, Yogananda said, “In titling this work The Second Coming of Christ, I am not referring to a literal return of Jesus to earth. He came two thousand years ago and, after imparting a universal path to God’s kingdom, was crucified and resurrected; his reappearance to the masses now is not necessary for the fulfillment of his teachings. What is necessary is for the cosmic wisdom and divine perception of Jesus to speak again through each one’s own experience and understanding of the infinite Christ Consciousness that was incarnate in Jesus. That will be his true Second Coming.”

There are many, many people who believe this today.  People who believe that in the ever-increasing improvement of the Self is the answer to their deep-rooted dissatisfaction with themselves.  This is what we’re up against as Christians;  how do we answer those who have educated themselves into oblivion when it comes to eternal truths regarding the nature of Christ, and the Word of God?  That all religions are not the same, and we do not all serve the same God?
While I was driving around campus trying to find a parking place, I passed (several times)  a man holding a huge sign that read  “Are you Ready?”  He was leaning against the wall of a building, and looked exhausted;  he certainly didn’t look ready for anything, much less the second coming of Christ.
Jesus will return to earth;  quite literally, as prophesied in the Bible.  Study to show yourself approved.  We are called to do two things as Christians:  defend the Truth, and overcome evil with good.  In the days to come, deception will so mirror truth, that even Christians will be easily confused if they don’t know the Word.  Satan seeks to build strongholds in our minds;  this way he can influence a culture, and ultimately the world.  Many well-meaning people have rejected the Truth of the Bible for the lies of world religions;  swayed by the seemingly innocuous teachings of kindness and tolerance.  Today’s thought leaders and gurus are tomorrows’ Antichrist, in spirit if not in person.  The fact is, someone will be, and Jesus will not be his assistant.  On the contrary, Jesus will triumph over him. (II Thessalonians 2:8)  And I intend to be ready.
“Sanctify them by the Truth, for Your Word is Truth.”  ~ John 17:17

The Prison Epistles: Ephesians

17 Saturday Nov 2012

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Ephesus

Ephesus (Photo credit: Rol1000)

In most of his letters to the early church, Paul begins with doctrine and ends with the practical application of doctrine in the lives of believers.  Paul was “an apostle of Jesus Christ“.  The Greek word apostolos means to be a delegate;  one sent with the full power of attorney.  It means to act in the place of another, the sender remaining behind to back up the one sent.  In the case of Christians, it means that God sends us to do what he Himself would do in our place.

There are two categories of knowledge:  pure, or theoretical (doctrine) and
applied, which is practical.  For example,  in his letter to the Ephesians, chapters 1-3 deal with doctrine (the calling of the church) and chapters 4-5 deal with application (the conduct of the church).  This letter was addressed to the saints in Ephesus.  The Greek word for saint is hagiois, or “the Holy ones”;  those set apart for God’s own use.   It is the essence of what it means to live as a Christian;  a follower of Christ.

Paul was in prison when he wrote this letter, sometime around 60 A.D.  He was under guard in rental quarters in Rome (Acts 28:30) and the letter was delivered to the church by Tychicus.  At the time, Ephesus was the leading center of the Roman Empire;  Paul stayed there for three years on his third missionary journey.  It was the capital city of the province of Asia.

Paul taught that the Jewish and gentile believers are one in Christ, to be demonstrated by love for one another.  He encourages them to love both God and their fellow saints in Christ.  Agape is the Greek word for love as a noun;  agapao is the verb form.  Paul uses both in his letters;  agape being the love of God (as in ‘God is love‘ and agapeo being how that love is expressed through the lives of the saints.) There is also a third Greek word for love: phileo, or the love between people, but here Paul is primarily dealing with the application of doctrine, the foundation of which is the love of God in us and through us.  Paul’s focus was on maintaining unity within the church.

This letter begins and ends with love;  it was most likely a ‘circular letter’ meaning that while it was written to the saints in Ephesus, it was most likely passed around to the other churches as encouragement to love each other, and as a reminder to establish churches that were not based on rules and structure alone, but churches where the love of God was to be manifested to the people through the lives of the saints.

Fast forward several thousand years.  Paul is under house arrest, somewhere on the outskirts of the city of Syracuse.  Tychicus is sitting with him;  the two men are having coffee and Paul is listening intently to the report of the churches.  He is disturbed by something that Tychicus is saying:  “There is a teaching going around in Syracuse, Paul, that in order to love others you must first love yourself, as though it is doctrine.  The people have focused on this, and their activities seem to include reading a lot on self-love, and attending groups to learn how to love themselves.”  Tychicus sits in silence as the Paul lowers his head into his hands, and sits silently.  After a time of deep thought, he lifts his head and says “Please bring me my pen.”  Pouring another cup of coffee for himself and his guest, he sits down and begins writing.  “To the Church in East Syracuse…..to the Church on Erie Boulevard….  To the Church in the Valley….”

This has been my study for today;  I haven’t written much this week, because of illness in the family, and some other personal issues.  I have been doing a lot of thinking, reading and studying. And soul-searching.  I worked for a time at the Salvation Army, which functions as a church, but from my observations, does not act like The Church.  An employee said to me once “I was taught how to manage these people, and I have tried to do exactly what I was taught.  You are different;  you actually love these people.”  This is what Paul was trying to tell the church leaders.  My own church has this same problem;  they are very good at managing people, not so good at loving them.  I have heard, however, that they are trying to change this, which is good.  Time will tell.

In the meantime, lets not wait for those in positions of leadership to exemplify love to those in and out of the church.  Maybe it is our turn to set the example.

“It must be considered that there is nothing more difficult to carry out, nor more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to handle, than to initiate a new order of things.”  ~Machiavelli

The Formative Years

20 Saturday Oct 2012

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Robin againI have been reading James Wilhoits’ book Spiritual Formation as if the Church Mattered this week.  Our private lives matter to God, and to the Great Cloud of Witnesses cheering us along on our journey.  It’s not about being legalistic (God forbid that we should ever do anything out of a sense of “this is right, and good, and needs to be done immediately”) but about bringing stability and order to our lives.  We live from the inside out.  In all of our trials and tribulations, we forget to maintain discipline in our private lives.  A long time ago, one of the ministers at our church told me that he thought I was very strong spiritually, but very fragile emotionally.  I have never heard a more accurate description of me.

Looking back on ten years of therapy, I can honestly say that much of it was a performance.  Not out of any desire to be dishonest, but out of a knowing that saying the wrong thing could result in suddenly being told I can’t come back next week.  Which is, of course, exactly what happened in the end. And just like that, the one constant in my life was upended;  knowing that “This is what I do on Wednesdays”  and looking forward to having a quiet, private place to go and discuss all the things that can’t be discussed with co-workers, fellow students, or other church members was suddenly over.   I don’t have a husband;  counseling replaced that in a way.  Being a single parent is lonely and hard.  I think every woman going through a divorce should have a counselor;  it doesn’t have to be psychotherapy.  I chose pastoral counseling, because that’s what I wanted, and it was important to me.  I wanted someone who was first and foremost a minister, because I knew that more than anything else, I needed healing.  But regardless, without counseling, the tendency for  women after divorce is to treat our children like more like roommates, and expect them to meet emotional needs that should be met by an adult.

I did better in counseling, in that I was able to keep a job, and go to school.  I needed the help with anxiety, and someone to talk to about depression.  Life has been hell for the last two years, and it doesn’t look as if the situation is going to be resolved any time soon, as I had hoped. But I am tired of ‘deleting myself’.  I did that in my marriage, I did that in my counseling, and there doesn’t seem to be any point in doing it any longer, as both ended anyway. Performing to please people doesn’t work.  I heard someone talk once on the difference between being a peacemaker, and being a peacekeeper.  I think I tend to confuse the two.  I like peace;  I’m not fond of chaos, and discord, and noise.  Being a writer suits me;  so does counseling and ministry.  Counseling that honored and encouraged that would have been healing.  But, I tried.  I can honestly say I have never tried harder in my life.  Something to think about, but now I have to go and pick up my daughter so she can go and help her father and his girlfriend paint their new house.

Have a Blessed day, people.

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever.”  ~John 14:16