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Stacey Lacik

~ Common Sense Christian Living

Stacey Lacik

Category Archives: The Journey

Does God Care?

14 Sunday Oct 2012

Posted by Stacey in The Journey

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Christ, Christian Living, Church, God, Grief, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Health, Mental health, religion, Spirituality

Bird

(Photo credit: Dave Williss)

I have lost my heart for writing lately.  An unexpected turn of events has left me feeling like I maybe should just not do this.  Any of it. Someone I care about read my blog, and was hurt by it. So I have gone through each post and tried to clean it up, and delete things that could be taken personally, but well aware in the process that I am once again deleting myself.  It’s difficult.

My Aunt went into the hospital on Thursday;  she needs a pacemaker to regulate her heartbeat.  I was thinking this morning that I wish I could have an emotional pacemaker for when things are overwhelming, and the world is scary.  So that when a relationship ends, I could continue to function without being blindsided by grief.  But that’s not how life works.  Loss hurts.

I went to church Friday evening;  the worst part (for me) is when the ushers try to seat you.  A very severe lady told me to “follow her” and I thought, oh, sweetheart, that’s not how this works.  I held back, and sat in the back row, as I always do, which visibly irritates them.  Only I can manage my anxiety in church, and angry ushers do not help. She was not happy.

I had a client once who said that he had tried to go to church, and he really liked it, except that when it came time for the offering, the ushers closed and locked the doors into the hallway.  And this particular client also suffers from severe anxiety.  He was never able to go back;  psychologically, he understood why they would do that (the church is in the city) but physiologically, he just couldn’t do it again.  I felt so bad for him.  Our church also has locked doors;  ropes, and people who shut you out, or trap you in hallways when you only meant to go to the ladies room quickly and get back in your seat before the whole room was sitting down.  I leave church exhausted.  And sad.  A lot of anxiety, and a lot of grief.  I wonder what God thinks as He observes all of this, done in His name? To inspire worship of Him?  To help us to see Him reflected in the lives of those who serve Him?  Because I don’t see it, not much, anyway.  I see organizational chaos. A lot of Very Important People running around with their headsets, and beepers, and pagers, very impressed with their roles and titles, but not really having a clue what they’re doing.  Or what they’re doing to people. Does God care?

Grief is a horrible, horrible feeling.  I am overwhelmed with it this week, and can’t write much.  A pacemaker would help.  My heart also beats too slowly sometimes, like my aunt.  My emotional heart also beats slowly, and sometimes bottoms out completely.  I have a meeting at church in an hour.  There was a wonderful gentleman who took my application for the Life Teams;  when he asked why I have not been involved in church, I accidentally blurted out “Because they do not want me.” And he threw his head back and laughed.  No, really;  that was the message left on my answering machine.  But I laughed too.  And said I want to be involved, and I do, my nerves don’t, and is there a place for me where nobody can see me?  I just want to help people;  to love those who hurt like I do, and tell them it’s okay.  It is all going to be okay.  They will be okay.  Time does not heal everything.  All healing takes time.  Some things will not heal, not in this lifetime.  Grief does not get better;  gone is, well, gone.  No therapy technique can fix a broken relationship, or heal a loss.  Only God can.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness….”   ~II Corinthians 12:9

When Success Fails

22 Saturday Sep 2012

Posted by Stacey in The Journey

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Tags

Christian Living, Ephesus, God, Jesus, Lord, Nero, Pastor, Paul, Timothy

Saint George Preca has been likened as a succe...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sometimes all it takes is one bad phone call with a creditor to make all of your dreams of success fly out the window.  Especially if the person is rude, or abusive.  (Are there any who aren’t?)  Threats and bullying do not magically make money appear in your account.  How in the world do these people sleep at night?

Many Americans are out of work;  housing, utilities, gas and food take most of our money.  Throw in some chronic health problems, or sudden illness or injury, and you have a mess.

It’s hard to remember that God is with us in our pain, not just on the other side of it.  I have been reading the book of 2 Timothy;  the letter Paul wrote to the young minister he had left in charge of the church in Ephesus.  Paul wrote the letter while he was in prison, knowing death was in the near future, while Timothy was dealing with everything from fear of Nero to church gossip.  Being young, not many thought he was capable of leadership.  Although he had a strong background of faith, he needed Paul’s encouragement and affirmation that he was called and anointed for the work of shepherding the people.

Our emotions can be stirred up by hearing or reading motivational material.  And it is good for us; it can give us a jump-start when we don’t have the energy to make necessary changes.  Encouragement helps.  A counseling session can be time well spent, if only for the emotional value of not feeling isolated.  It’s when you go home and face the bills, the phone calls, the expenses and repairs that you don’t have the resources for, that all of your motivation erodes.  Too much of it day after day, and you will end up in a hopeless cycle of despair.  It’s hard to remember that God is our provider;  our refuge and strength in times of trouble.  Even knowing he has miraculously provided in the past doesn’t always make fear go away.  It’s not as tangible as, say, an unexpected windfall that magically erases stacks of overdue bills.  Hard, but not impossible to persevere and stay the course, no matter what happens.  Laser-like focus is necessary just to keep going.  Like Paul we should be able to say:  “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.”  2 Timothy 4:7

 

Warfare in Wonderland

07 Friday Sep 2012

Posted by Stacey in The Journey

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Christ, Christian counseling, Christian Living, Christianity, Church, God, Gordon MacDonald, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Leadership, Ordering Your Private World, Religion and Spirituality, Strategy, Thought, Word

spirituality shelf

spirituality shelf (Photo credit: professor megan)

There is no greater protection against false teaching than knowing the Word. If you are not going to study it for yourself, expect to be led down a lot of rabbit holes, even in church. And just as God has a plan for your life, so does the enemy. Your best strategy is to study, pray, and stick to truth and common sense.

When I was in counseling, there were a lot of wacky forays into trendy territory that profited little and did more harm than good. Many of our local Christian counselors were caught up in the ‘recovered memory‘ phase that undermined marriage and family therapy in the eighties and nineties. Families were referred to as ‘dysfunctional’ and cutoff was encouraged. No mention of grace, mercy, or forgiveness. No allowances for differences of opinion or habit. Then along came the ‘boundaries’ phase, which was heavily endorsed by those with a strong need to control everything from relationships to conversations.

If I were the enemy, and couldn’t tempt people with obvious sin, wouldn’t it make sense to have a different strategy, aimed at people’s emotional vulnerabilities and unstable belief systems?

A few years ago, a friend had asked some of us to co-facilitate a group for mothers and daughters. Sitting in her beautiful living room, with our girls sprawled listlessly in front of us, we taught and encouraged each other. As my friend was speaking, she said something that seemed to stand out in neon lights in front of me. She said (to the girls) “Whatever demon has been following you [through life] has been keeping a notebook.” She was sitting on one side of the fireplace, and I on the other, and the words hung in the air between us. I don’t even think the girls were paying attention. That thought stayed with me, and over the next few weeks, I had several different experiences.

While driving one day, and thinking about what was said, I was suddenly in the Spirit. As I was on the highway passing the church, I suddenly saw a group of dark figures in a huddle, and realized they were talking about me. As I listened, I realized they were discussing strategy, and I was observing from the side. One of the figures suddenly said ” We’ll just do the usual.” And I suddenly got angry. The vision abruptly ended, and I thought “Really? Am I so predictable to the enemy that all he has to do is say “We’ll just do the usual” and it works?

After several days more thinking about this, it finally dawned on me [so to speak] to ask God to help me develop my own strategy to counteract the enemy, and strengthen myself spiritually.

Shortly after this experience, I asked God to reveal the names of these three figures who were exerting such influence on my life. What eventually came to me was Fear, Grief and Shame. No matter how hard I tried; no matter what effort I put into lists, plans, goals, and resolutions, I saw that I could be blind-sided by any one of these at any time. I suddenly saw it as a strategic plan to keep me from even remotely making progress in fulfilling the purposes of God in my life.

I have severe social phobia, which means that I am highly unlikely to head off to a bar, or casino for an evening of mindless fun. It also means that I generally make a complete idiot of myself whenever I leave the house and attempt any adult interaction, but it at least limits the trouble I can get into out in the world. (Well, except for the getting fired part.) If the enemy has a strategy for me, it almost always involves unwitting church leaders, counselors, and elders. As well-meaning as they are, they unknowingly play into a strategy that was developed long before they met me. The major themes of my life: shame, fear, rejection and grief, get played out in the church theater; the actual players may change, but not the strategy. At first, the only counter-strategy I could come up with was to just keep going and not quit. And this works, to some extent, but it makes for an awfully depressing life.

What is far better is to develop a strong and steady core, or center, where nothing, absolutely nothing, shakes you. A determination to be polite, kind, strong, steady and stable regardless of how others act or treat you. I have been reading a lot of Gordon MacDonald lately. Gordon is the editor-at-large for Leadership Journal; his writing is sincere and truthful. In the book Ordering Your Private World, he describes the day he ‘hit the wall’, and what this did to him spiritually. He goes on to write about the importance of developing your inner life to the extent that what happens publicly doesn’t derail you spiritually.

I have hit a lot of walls; I expect there will be more. The best strategy is to become so strong, and so focused on the end goal  (that final affirmation on the part of God: “Well done, good and faithful servant”) that no slight, insult or unkindness on the part of another affects us to the degree that we react in kind.  Forgiveness.  Grace.  Mercy.  These are our weapons;  the best strategies for peace in times of turmoil.  Always err on the side of love;  it disarms any weapon the enemy will try to use against you.

Lattes in the Lobby

29 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by Stacey in The Journey

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Tags

Christian, Christian Living, Christianity, Coffee, God, Hollywood, Latte, Religion and Spirituality, Shopping, Starbuck, United States

Description: Coffee cortado (An latte art exam...

Description: Coffee cortado (An latte art example) Author: Mortefot from flickr.com Date: May 22, 2005 Source: Image on flickr.com License: Creative Commons Attribution License Version 2.0 (“cc-by-sa-2.0”) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being a Christian in America isn’t like being a Christian anywhere else in the world.  There is a sense of entitlement pervading the church;  prosperity to most American Christians means a life of leisure and the ability to have whatever those in Hollywood have.  It’s “Name it and Claim it” on steroids.  Go into any Christian bookstore, and there is more cheesy plastic junk with scripture on it than there are high quality, well-made items.  We have books and Bibles, Christian entertainment, mints with scripture printed on them, and more future garage-sale items than we can possibly ever need.  While our fellow Christians around the world are risking their lives to read well-worn pages of scripture, we can lay around reading christian romance novels.  The sad part is, this is not the life we signed up for.  It happens gradually to most of us;  the initial high we get from embracing a new way of life gives way to feelings of emptiness, and ever-increasing attempts to appear prosperous.  We’re not rooted and grounded, we’re frantic and stressed.  But we sure look good, don’t we?

Churches look more and more like shopping malls.  I recently went in to the bookstore at our church to buy a bible for someone, and got all caught up trying to decide between the pink, the purple, or the gold.  (We chose pink.)  And bought several more things on the way to the counter.  And of course, we needed two specialty coffees for the ride home; make mine a latte, please.

Our daily lives aren’t really any different from everybody else.  We watch the same television shows, go to the same movies, and listen to the same music.  I know quite a few Christians who think nothing of driving out to spend time at the casino.  What in the world are we thinking?  We’re not going there to witness, we’re going to be entertained.  Is this really where we want to spend time and money?  This is what calling and separation are about;  being in the world and not of it.  It’s remembering that whether we are going to Taco Bell or the gas station, we are ministers on a mission, 24/7.  We are so afraid of offending people that we end up not affecting anybody.  We have the spiritual authority to make a difference;  to influence the environment around us, and instead of using our authority, we leave it to the church leaders to worry about while we run off to play with our friends.  We adapt to culture when we should be creating it.

Ain’t it grand to be a christian.  Ain’t it grand.

Learning the Hard Way

11 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by Stacey in The Journey

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Tags

Christian Living, Christianity, Church, Emotion, God, Holy Spirit, Pastor, Religion and Spirituality, Word of God

English: The Arcadian or Pastoral State, secon...

English: The Arcadian or Pastoral State, second painting in The Course of Empire, by Thomas Cole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Counseling was supposed to help me find my voice, but it didn’t;  at least not in the way that writing has.  I have a difficult time sitting in front of someone and talking about myself;  the whole setup is fraught with anxiety and performance-driven psycho-babble.  Over coffee with a close friend?  Yes, maybe.  And sometimes a good session is like that, and I leave feeling lighter, and hopeful.  Other times, interventions feel more like accusations, and I feel trapped, and say anything just to get the session over with so I can get out of there fast.  It shouldn’t be that way, but that’s just how I’m wired.

God doesn’t always redeem our circumstances, but he uses them to redeem us.  He can’t make the other person be willing to forgive, and restore a broken relationship.  He sends a Redeemer;  someone who can advocate for us, and plead our case.

Common sense and loving-kindness both require dealing with issues and facing the risk of a broken relationship.  Speaking up can be terrifying, and the consequences can be devastating.  Writing is so much easier.  Being a very passive person, I prefer avoidance, but maturity requires otherwise.  Communication is difficult;  it’s time-consuming, and often frustrating.

I don’t handle confrontation well.  Counseling was supposed to help me learn to be more assertive;  less timid, less afraid. My counselor assured me over and over again that I would become stronger, and not so insecure.  That I would learn how to handle situations that seem out of control, and terrifying.  I’m still waiting.

Someone told me once that I seem to have “an awful lot of angry people in my life.”  I didn’t know what to say.  He was right.

I miss my old friends.  I’m not good at phone calls, or actually getting together with people.  I am in my head, just not in reality.  I tend to seek out a safe person, and hide behind them.  I don’t mean to do it, I just can’t seem to help doing it.  Those who aren’t bewildered by it are irritated by it.  I’ve heard everything from “What the hell is wrong with you?”  to “Who do you think you are, one of us?”  Neither of which is helpful, and ultimately makes the problem worse, not better.  My counselor got tired of having to “prove herself” and that relationship also ended in an angry outburst, and hurt feelings and broken fellowship.  So much for that.  Can God redeem me?  Yes, of course.  Can the past be healed and restored?  I don’t know.  I only know that He who has promised is faithful.   And so I wait.  Worship and wait.

Be blessed, people.

My Brethren, These Things Ought Not To Be…

25 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by Stacey in The Journey

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anxiety, Christianity, Church, Common Sense Christian Counsel, counselor, Divorce, domestic violence, Leadership, Pastor, Religion and Spirituality, trauma, Trust

Christ's Charge to Peter by Raphael, 1515. In ...

Image via Wikipedia

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago.  The bride, whom I love dearly,  was beautiful.  What was disturbingly not beautiful was the behavior of some of the church leaders.

At the wedding,  the pastor and his entourage went around to each table, greeting and visiting with the wedding guests, who were pretty much divided around the dance floor.  At our table there were two women who had recently fought cancer, a woman who is currently going through a divorce, and my daughter and I.  My daughter has been asking God for a chance to speak to the pastor, because she is struggling with coming back to the church.  The group surrounding the pastor stood at the table next to us for a while, and then, without even acknowledging any of the women at our table, moved smoothly to the next table.  I am not sure if we were being shunned as a group, or if it was meant to exclude a specific person.  Moments before, on the other side of the room, the pastor was saying to a friend of mine something about the importance of the church reaching out to those in the world who are in need, and our responsibility as a church to care for the poor, and unloved.

My point is,  that as beautiful as the wedding was, the event was marred by behavior that was  both inexcusable and childish.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of our leaders, and ashamed to be associated with them.  As a woman, one of the things that had so impressed me with this church, was the way women seemed to be honored, and respected.  Coming from a situation of  domestic violence, and spiritual abuse, it was so unbelievably healing for me to come into what appeared to be a safe place.  Any counselor who deals with trauma knows how important it is to establish safety  and trust before any true  life change can occur.  The intense grief I feel,  when I think back to how happy I was in my early days in the church, is overwhelming sometimes.

As a single parent in the church, I have been through hell.  My divorce shook my faith; my experience within the church has all but destroyed it.  I was told by my counselor that although I am more than qualified to teach in the church, I can’t be “sold” to the church because . . . “Well . . . you know . . . you act funny”.   Really?  Well, let me be clear:  I cannot be sold, bought, traded, or trashed, period.  To the church, or to anyone else.

But sometimes I do act funny.  I get nervous in a crowd;  I’m horribly shy;  I have absolutely no social skills whatsoever.  I would be perfectly happy to be exiled to an island with nothing but pen and paper, to have visions of heaven and write letters to the churches.   But God . . . has called me to live here, in this time, in this culture, in this city, and to love people.  Yes, even these people.  No matter what they do, no matter what is said about me.  For years I have carried this quote in my wallet:

“The demands of holiness are the same regardless of circumstances.”

So what do we do?  We come with grace, and mercy.  We love those who persecute us, whether in or out of the church.  We love those who treat us wrong. We learn from the horrible experience, and hopefully, when we are called to lead, we remember to do so differently.  And more importantly, we forgive . . . because they know not what damage they do.

Trust and Trauma: the Hidden Wound of Relational Abuse

18 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by Stacey in The Journey

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grayscale photo of woman covering her mouth using her hands

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

One of the most devastating effects of trauma, especially when it occurs within a relationship, is the loss of the ability to trust.  Emotional trauma  can occur when an individual is physically, emotionally, or sexually abused.  Verbal abuse and neglect also destroy trust, but are not always as obvious as assault or sexual abuse.  These wounds go deeper into our souls, and it is very difficult to learn how to trust again.

It is not just that the individual has been wounded, and as a result, makes a conscious decision not to trust.  It is as though a mechanism is broken, and the ability to trust is lost.  This makes it extremely difficult to ask for and receive help.  We are wounded in relationship, and it is through relationship that we are healed.

It is the nature of trauma to irrevocably change us.  We become hyper-vigilant, suspicious, and wary of people and situations.  Asking anybody for help is to risk being vulnerable and disappointed.  We are also at risk of being misunderstood:  how do you trust someone who does not understand you, or what you’re going through?  People who have been abused have a great deal of difficulty in relationships;  there is a need to test people over and over again.  Few people, even professional helpers, can endure the endless testing of their integrity and patience.  For family members and loved ones, trying to help can be frustrating and overwhelming.

Being a survivor of abuse or assault changes you.  You have suddenly become part of a very private ‘club’.  Very few people in your world will be able to relate to you; to understand your fear, emotions and hypersensitivity.  It becomes difficult to attend both social and family functions.  Small talk is no longer relevant, and possibly dangerous.  Finding a place of safety becomes a primary focus.  Depression and anxiety become familiar spirits as you walk a very lonely path.

It is a rare privilege and honor to come alongside and walk with someone who may never fully trust you, but to be a calm, steady presence in the life of a survivor gives an opportunity to repair what has been broken.  Although the actual work of rebuilding trust can go on indefinitely, the foundation has to be laid in relationship, and the willingness of the person helping to accept the fact that it is simply not possible for the survivor to trust.  It should not be viewed as a choice, or rejection, but as a normal and healthy response to abnormal and unhealthy circumstances.

“Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience…And over all these virtues put on love.”  Colossians  3:12,14

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