Tag Archives: God

Apart From Me

29 Wednesday May 2013

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“Fruit Basket”, oil on wood“I am the Vine;  you are the branches.  Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit.  However, apart from me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.”   John 15:5

Fruit is not necessarily the result of productivity and hectic schedules.  We are driven to succeed, to prosper (at the expense of our souls) and to produce results that can be measured and taken to the bank.

People are no longer referred to as people, but as consumers, customers, or even (as was said to me once by a star-struck elder) as cattle, to be driven down the hallway and given information on How to Become a Member.  Emerging from the room some thirty minutes later, with their steak knives and information packet (never mind that they went forward for prayer, not membership) they go forth glassy-eyed and pacified, back to their unexamined and unexplained lives.

This is not fruit.

When God tells us to be fruitful, he is saying far more than just increase in number.  Earn more. Be more. Fruit is both quantifiable and qualifiable;  it means increasing in soft skills (think interpersonal relationships) and in competence.  But before any of that can happen, and far more important to God, is to increase in the Fruit of the Spirit.  Outward success means nothing if we’re not known for our love, our gentleness, our patience with people.

Pastors are front-line mental health workers, whether they want to acknowledge that or not.  Most people seek some form of pastoral counseling when they need help;  we want our questions answered, even more than we want our problems solved.  We want God with skin on.

We can’t do this without spending time with God, in the Word, in prayer, and worship.  Ministers can’t minister, can’t pastor, or shepherd the people, without this.  It’s not enough to just want the title, or the office.

Being out of work for the last year has been a blessing in disguise.  Since 1998, it has been non-stop trauma, hardship, and crisis: domestic violence, adultery, divorce, foreclosure, bankruptcy, illness (emotional and physical) two college degrees, single-parenting two teenagers, and endless car trouble, financial difficulties, and housing problems.  I haven’t stopped or slowed down, until this past year, because if I stopped, it would all fall apart.  This took a huge toll on my spiritual life, which affected my emotions, my thinking, my physical health, and my finances.

Now that the world has stopped spinning, and I’ve been disentangled from other people’s agendas (pastoral or otherwise) I can finally breathe.  I will be forty-eight years old next month.  There are things I want to do, and things I never want to do again.

I wrote awhile ago that I was finished with secular counseling, and I have great peace about that.  They don’t have any answers, or any spiritual authority, or knowledge of the Word and ways of God.  For me, personally, pastoral counseling works.  Someone who knows how to take the tools of the mental health world, and integrate (graft) them with the power of the Holy Spirit, and be God with skin on.  The best counselors and teachers I have had, including those in secular settings, have been Christian.  On the other hand, some of the worst counselors and teachers have also been Christians.  Go figure.

All I can think is that it has to have something to do with bearing fruit.  When a pastoral counselor veers too far off track into the limits and dictates of the clinical world, we waste time and money.  When we ignore the clinical pieces, and treat everything as though it’s a spiritual problem, we get flaky.

I have to go and get ready for a doctor’s appointment, and then to stop and look at office space.  The doctor’s appointment is for my ongoing battle with depression over this ongoing situation with my own counselor, and the office space is for……well, we’ll see.

Have a blessed day, people.

Bartolomeo Bimbi Citrus Collection des Medici

Bartolomeo Bimbi Citrus Collection des Medici (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Trust

11 Saturday May 2013

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English: The Promised Land. View south west th...

English: The Promised Land. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So we have to move.  Again.  It seems that every time we get settled, and I get everything just the way I want it, the landlord sells the house or the rent goes up.

So, here we go again.  And I don’t even know where we’re going.  Last nights’ message at church was a reminder that we live in tents;  we’re not here forever.  When we get to the Promised Land, we can settle and build houses, and multiply, but until then, it’s all packing and moving.

I have prayed and prayed about this;  what is the wisest thing to do?  Stay and pay the higher amount, or use it as an opportunity to move on?  Tiffany graduates this year,  Brittany is already out on her own, and really, I am free to go wherever I feel God is leading me.  I keep reminding myself that God is a God of order, and that He does indeed lead us step by step.

I feel in my heart it is time to move.  But I am so comfortable here.  I hate change;  I like to take a couple of years to slow down and think about things before I do anything.  I don’t have an impulsive bone in my body.  It’s why sudden endings and losses leave me feeling blind-sided, and take so long to recover from.

I have learned this;  it’s not wise as a tent-dweller to accumulate so much stuff.  I’ve spent the last few weeks going through drawers, and boxes and closets.  Pulled out a huge box of journals from the last fifteen years;  found photos and memories, cards and letters.  And one thing is clear;  God has been at the center of it all, always preparing the way ahead of me, and providing when there was no way we could have made it this far.  And always, always, scripture, on everything.  Scrapbooks, high school yearbooks,  journals, notebooks.  The Word of God has been my rock and foundation through it all.  Like a thread woven through all of the situations and circumstances, the dark times and the happy times, there is the Word of God.  Safe, stable, unchanging, and able to keep me from falling.  Or from getting lost.

So there is no reason to fear.  Even if I make a wrong decision, God is able.

Have a Blessed day, people.

“In quietness and trust is your strength.”   Isaiah 30:15

Hope Deferred

07 Sunday Apr 2013

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Still life with Bible, by Vincent Van Gogh

Still life with Bible, by Vincent Van Gogh (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Haven’t written lately;  life has not been cooperating with all of my good intentions.  And my heart just isn’t in it anymore.

I have given up on the whole mental health/counseling thing.  It just does not work.  Not the way I believe that it should.  Over the years I have been through countless sessions, in and out of church, survived two exorcisms (don’t ask) and,  most recently, a psychologist insisted that I work my way through the alphabet during a panic attack.  Except that I don’t have panic attacks;  have never had one in my entire life, and therefore don’t feel an urgent need to treat them.  At least, not my own.  But, the session was ending, and she had boxes to check, and I know that ‘give client homework’ is one of them, so I politely said okay.  The next time I have a panic attack in Wegman’s, I’ll stand in the middle of the aisle saying “A, apple.  B, ball…”  And she was happy with that.

We won’t be going there again.

I got in the car thinking This is why people drink.  This, the way I feel right now.  This ‘nobody is hearing me’ feeling.  It is the most horrible painful, twisting feeling, in the very innermost parts of your being.  Like having your insides pulled up and out through your heart.  Depression doesn’t begin to describe it.

What I am is sad.  And tired.  I’m grieving, not panicking.  And I’m tired of talking to strangers, and doctors, and counselors, trying to explain things they don’t understand, about a situation they can’t fix, and didn’t have anything to do with in the first place. All I get from the church is silence, and all I get from the world is “it sounds like you should maybe just not go to church anymore”.  Neither one is right.

Good counseling takes time.  I don’t believe in ‘short-term therapy’ for long-term problems.  Not for real growth, healing, and a changed life.  It’s a combination of discipleship, mentoring, teaching, and sometimes parenting.  We are hurt in the context of relationship, and so are healed in relationship.

Nor do I believe in changing therapists, or constantly starting over, or trying different ones like so many different pairs of shoes.  I don’t bounce from person to person in my personal life, and don’t care to in my counseling.  Many, many clients have told me the same thing.  They establish a relationship, begin to build trust, open up, (or wake up) and suddenly the rug gets pulled out from under them, whether because of insurance, or mandated treatment, or the high turn-over rate in agencies.  It makes it impossible to learn how to trust anybody, or get any sense of stability and safety.

There is no box for ‘client gives up’ so they get checked off as non-compliant.

I think life was easier when all I had was God, my Bible and my kitchen table.  So I will go back to waiting.  And praying.  Waiting for God to move in my life, for healing to come, and things to be resolved, and the whole mess to be untangled.  To be able finally, once and forever, to put the whole thing behind me and not carry it around anymore.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”    Proverbs 13:12

Walking Through the Wilderness

23 Saturday Feb 2013

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img013 San Pedro River

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I cried, this week, in the doctor’s office.  Quite hard, actually.  In the waiting room.  In front of everybody.  Got lost on the way there, ran out of gas and was twenty minutes late for my appointment.  Desperately needed prescriptions filled, as they ran out a while ago, but I haven’t been able to get an appointment anywhere.  (I lost most of my medical care when I lost my job.)

‘I’m sorry ma’am, but we will have to reschedule you for later in March.  No one can see you today.”  “Yes, I heard you.”  Cried harder.  Once the flood gates are open, it’s hard to stop.                                                                              “Ma’am, nobody can see you.”                                                                          “Yes, but I need help today.”  “Would you like to reschedule?”  No, thank you, I really just want to die.  I did reschedule, made it out to the hallway, sat down on the stairs and cried harder.

“My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.”  (Exodus 33:14)

I hate being on Medicaid, I hate being stuck in a system that probably sounds good on paper, but doesn’t work in reality.  Hate being a single parent, and not having a husband to help with all of this. How in the world do people do this?

I went to church last night.  It was packed;  we’re having a conference, and I really wanted to go, as the speaker was someone who had prayed over me a long time ago;  an amazing, prophetic prayer, when I was going through my divorce.  The whole process of getting a seat in church is a humiliating experience for me.  I miss the ushers at my old church;  always helpful, always respectful, and kind.  Thank God, a friend stepped in to the hallway, and took me to sit with her and her husband.

But, still.

It would be nice, to have someone to go to church with (hide behind?) and have him deal with the ushers, and find a seat for me.  To be protected, cared for, and loved.  I am so grateful for my friend, and her husband, but I want my own husband.

The lobby was packed with people, visiting, laughing, talking.  A lot of noise, lights and motion.  It’s an assault on the senses, and I look for someone familiar to attach to; otherwise it’s an out-of-body experience, but there was no one, so I hid in the bookstore.  And pretended I was having fun, with my coffee, all by myself.  Because this is what divorced women in the church do.

On the way to the car, there was another couple who walked out with me (they never say hi to me, have never, in thirteen years;  my daughter informed me once that the mother can’t stand me)  but they were laughing, and walking together to their car, and I envied her.  Because she had someone to sit with in church, and to go home and do family with.  To do marriage with.  And she has cute clothes.

We claimed a verse this week, one of the women and I did, for the prayer and coffee group that meets in my home.

“See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up;  do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness, and streams in the desert.”  Isaiah 43:19

Thank God.  Because this has been a very long walk.  And I’m tired.

Still Waters

Still Waters (Photo credit: SweetCapture)

Straight Paths

13 Wednesday Feb 2013

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English: The path here is nicely improved A bo...

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“So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.  Mark out a straight path for your feet.  Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.”  Hebrews 12:12-13 

We are called to  live holy lives for God‘s glory, our benefit, and to help others.  Hard to do when you’re tired.  And shaky.  And you just don’t feel like it.  Don’t want to get up, stand up, start out on the path again, or deal with others. Anybody.  (Unless they’re bringing you a fresh cup of coffee.)

To ‘mark out a straight path for your feet’ means to live (as John Maxwell says) an intentional life.  To decide where you’re going, what you are and are not going to do today.  Who will you spend time with?  Do you even know what path you’re on?  The people you spend time with are largely determined by the places you decide to go, or not go.  Do you know where you want to end up?

Things happen;  life happens.  And it seems to take an awful lot of energy some days to walk this thing out.

I joined a gym in December because the orthopedic surgeon said I need to go;  swimming and Pilates are the best exercises for Scoliosis and arthritis.  I have yet to go.  I won’t feel better until I do, but most days I don’t feel well enough to actually get in the car and drive there.  (And there are people there etc., etc.)

This isn’t at all what this verse is talking about, I don’t think, but it certainly is one way to apply it.  When Paul wrote this letter to the Hebrew Christians, he was encouraging them to lead intentional lives.  Do you know we are supposed to have followers? That people should be able to look at us and say “So that is what a normal Christian life looks like.”  We’re supposed to set an example.

As one of the women said last night “Even if we go forward crying, and still in pain, we go forward.”  So true.  God isn’t looking for a dressed up and shiny package of smiling, bubble-headed believers who have it all together.  He looks at our hearts:  our desire, and willingness to follow Him, and live life differently than the people around us.

I stopped trying to make my daughters go to youth group  when I saw the direction the group was headed.  They were only investing in the kids who looked like they had it all together;  (mostly kids whose parents were leaders in the church) and who had all the outward trappings of what the world would call “leadership potential”.  I didn’t want my kids to learn that kind of Christianity.  My kids have been through hell, and will enter Heaven triumphant, victorious, and strong.  They know how to do warfare.

One night, in the middle of the divorce years, I had a dream.  I was in a large open field, which I understood to be a battle field.  My daughters were standing in the middle of this field, and I watched as my oldest daughter helped her little sister put on her armor, and then put on her own.  Then they each picked up a sword and a shield, and slowly turned to me and said “Okay mom, we’re ready”.  And I woke up.

They struggle, as young adults, to lead lives that are holy.  To know that they are called, but some days just don’t feel like it.  So do I.  We cannot do this on our own strength;  without the help of the Holy Spirit, it just won’t happen.  Life can be just too overwhelming.  If I’m doing this, then I’m neglecting that;  between college applications, financial aid, scholarship forms and deadlines, it’s hard to remember people.  The worries and cares of this world are just that;  once this journey is over, we leave it all behind.  We enter heaven blood-stained, tear-stained, and covered with the dirt of our own personal battles.  But oh, when we get there ….. to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant”.  To be welcomed with open arms and know that we’re safe, loved, forgiven.

It will be worth it all.

Just A Thought

24 Thursday Jan 2013

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The famous set of columns from the Roman Forum...

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The enemy always attacks a birth or a death.  He doesn’t care too much about the in-between because we mess that up pretty good on our own.  Grief and loss drive us to our knees faster than complacency does;  the initial excitement of birthing anything, whether it’s a baby, a business, or a ministry wakes us up and wipes the apathy out of our eyes, at least in the beginning.  Several sleepless months, or years later, and we’re pretty much zombified and harmless.  We run on coffee and anxiety.

Define your dreams;  write them down, and live intentional lives, but know this: once you begin this process, if you are serious at all, the enemy will also organize a counter-attack to keep that which is forming in the spiritual realm from coming into fruition in the natural realm.  And should we persevere and prosper, he will attack whatever is birthed and pursue it all the way to the wilderness.  Stay focused.  If deception doesn’t work, he will try dissention;  if that doesn’t work, he will use distraction.  His ultimate goal is always destruction.  You are God‘s answer to the enemy.

“This one step – choosing a goal and sticking to it – changes everything.”   Scott Reed.

New Year, Old Mindset

10 Thursday Jan 2013

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Jesus Discourses with His Disciples

Jesus Discourses with His Disciples (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The holidays were difficult this year;  kind of happy-sad.  The last month has been an emotional roller-coaster.  And I don’t like roller-coasters.  And to top it all off, my grandfather passed away this week, before we could go to see him and take him his Christmas gifts.  None of it feels real, and probably won’t until the funeral, or shortly after.  But I am sad.  We didn’t have a family Christmas, either, this year, due to bad weather.  So I have a house full of uneaten cookies, and gifts not given, and a heart full of memories not made.

I was shopping in a local garden center several weeks before Christmas, and an ornament on a tree caught my eye.  I have always thought that the verse in Luke read “peace on earth and goodwill to all men.”  (Because Charles Schultz said so.  Ask Linus.)  On this ornament, however, it read “Peace on earth, and goodwill to those on whom God‘s favor rests.”  And right there, standing in the store, I thought, wow.  The obvious implication being that there are those on whom God’s favor does not rest.

What does it look like to have the favor of God resting on you?  On me?  What would my life look like?  What does favor even mean?  Somehow I resist the idea that it means (as we are taught) shiny new cars in the driveway, and miles of granite counter-tops in the kitchen; closets full of name-brand clothing and expensive trips in luxury hotels.

So where does the favor of God rest?  On whom?

I took a Discipleship class several years ago at our church.  I was so excited to take this class, as I had heard such good things about it.  Somehow, by the time I got to it, the course had been changed, and had little to do with discipleship as taught by Christ Himself.  He trained His disciples to go and change the world.  We train them to make us look good as a church, and protect our highly vulnerable reputations.

Another church I went to in the past required us to go out into the community as part of our counselor training.  We had to attend AA meetings, and actually go to the Department of Social Services, and report on what we observed.  Before we were allowed to minister to anyone.

As counselors, we are called to stand in the gap.  Much as the Holy Spirit does for us, as our advocate, and helper.  We are called to be people-helpers.  To ‘go about and do good.’  This is what Jesus modeled for the original disciples.  He spent time alone in prayer, and then touched lives.  It wasn’t about Him, or His ‘platform’.  The disciples were not his ‘staff’ enlisted to promote and protect Him.  They were students;  followers learning how to lead.  Going to the people, not being ushered away from them by a group of trained bouncers.  We have turned from wanting the favor of God on our lives to wanting the favor of The Pastors on our lives.  And in all honesty, those who get caught up in this do it largely because the lifestyles they’ve become accustomed to are underwritten by the church.

This is not what I want.  It never was.

I drove through a housing development last week, looking at all of the beautiful houses, and the lights and decorations, and had a small pity-party for myself that I am no longer welcome in the houses of some of these leaders.  But it’s not what I want.  It’s not what I am here for;  not what I am called to.  I haven’t been through hell just to sit and bask in the reflected glory of the few who know how to stir emotions and reward allegiance to the Vision.

Somehow I see Christ Himself pulling away.  Did people follow Him?  Of course.  In Mark chapter two, we see Him getting up early and going away to deserted places to be alone with God.  And the disciples also got up, and followed Him.  “Don’t you know everyone is looking for you?  Hurry up, Jesus, you have a ministry to run.  What are you doing way out here alone?  Come on.  The media are here, and they want pictures.  Maybe you could get a few shots with some of the kids.  Then we’ll take you out for lunch and then maybe do a book-signing for all those who bought your latest book.”

Is it just coincidence that the word favor has  largely been replaced by the word status in our culture?

What is it we really want?

Something to think about before we make all of our well-intentioned resolutions.

Thoughts on a Recent Post

14 Friday Dec 2012

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Pastoral Paradise

(Photo credit: satosphere)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my experiences with pastoral counseling, and how it all ended.  I would have to say that while I wrote about conflict of interest and confidentiality issues, what really ended my counseling was the counselor’s inability to control her temper.  Why I let someone control and label me to the extent that I did is an issue I need to examine for myself, but suffice it to say that this person controlled my life for ten years.  And for ten years I lived within the limits of that definition;  what basically amounted to the opinion of one person.  Just one person.

In some ways, I am still living with the residue of that relationship;  a lot of hurt, grief and confusion.  About who I am, who God is, and how He sees me.  This is why scripture says that “to whom much is given, much is required”.  When we are called to stand in the office of pastor, or teacher, we have a tremendous amount of influence.  Whether we want that much power or not, it is inherent in the relationship, and to deny that is to create situations where the elephant is in the room, but we just talk around it.

In many ways, this person functioned as an abusive parent, as most leaders with an anger problem do.  In my case, they took the place vacated by an abusive husband. I don’t know that I was in a position to see it in the beginning, and would probably have been too tired to care at that point.  And, like most abusive relationships, it wasn’t obvious in the beginning.  Confusing, but not obvious.  The problem with both is trying to figure out if I am messing up God’s plan for my life by leaving.  In the end, I didn’t have to figure it out, as both of them left me anyway.

There is a teaching series on spiritual abuse in the bookstore at church.  I listened to all of it, carefully, and was discouraged to find that it really has little or nothing to do with spiritual abuse, but is instead a discourse on proper attitudes towards leadership.   There is no mention of the abuse of power and authority, which is what spiritual abuse is.  There is no practical suggestion for how to deal with an abusive leader, nor is there any structure in place in our church for getting help.  “Touch not mine anointed”  is our version of “Don’t ask; Don’t tell.”

Leaders are human.  Like everyone else, they have tempers, good days, bad days, family issues, health problems and financial concerns.  They will, sometimes, completely fall short of their calling.  And we get the brunt of that in relationship with them.  I have never met a church member or client, myself included, who couldn’t forgive much when there is a sincere apology, and acknowledgment of wrong-doing.

I have to drive by my counselor’s office quite often, as I am running kids where they need to go, or going to get groceries.  There is always a car there;  she hasn’t died, or fallen off the planet.  She is still meeting with clients;  many of them friends of mine.  The whole thing is surreal.  And I’m realizing there will never be an apology.  There will never be an effort to make amends.  My stuff is still all in her office;  everything is, on the surface, as it always was.  Except that everyone can go there, including my friends, and get ‘help’ but I can’t. She isn’t speaking to me.  This blog hasn’t helped, as she was talking to me, until she read it.

Trusting God to help me with this has done a lot to keep me moving forward, but has in no way lessened the pain of it all.  I don’t really know what else to do.  I know that I don’t want any more angry people in my life, and I certainly will not pay someone to define and label me, ever again.

All Roads [Do Not] Lead to Rome

03 Monday Dec 2012

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Syracuse University - Hall of Languages

Syracuse University – Hall of Languages (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to a graduation ceremony up at Syracuse University tonight.  One of the speakers discussed the current state of the United Nations.  She also spoke about our individual responsibility to support this new global citizenship currently overtaking our world.  I was particularly interested, because Pastor Carter spoke on the same topic Friday night in his message on The Mystery of Lawlessness.  He discussed current worldviews, and the coming globalization of the economy and religious ideology, as pertaining to the end times, and the second coming of Christ.  The text was taken from II Thessalonians, chapter 2, regarding the events that will precede the return of the Lord to the earth.  There is more to this teaching than I can go into at this hour, but I would encourage anyone who missed it to get the CD and listen to it;  preferably with a notebook handy.

In the book The Second Coming of Christ, Yogananda said, “In titling this work The Second Coming of Christ, I am not referring to a literal return of Jesus to earth. He came two thousand years ago and, after imparting a universal path to God’s kingdom, was crucified and resurrected; his reappearance to the masses now is not necessary for the fulfillment of his teachings. What is necessary is for the cosmic wisdom and divine perception of Jesus to speak again through each one’s own experience and understanding of the infinite Christ Consciousness that was incarnate in Jesus. That will be his true Second Coming.”

There are many, many people who believe this today.  People who believe that in the ever-increasing improvement of the Self is the answer to their deep-rooted dissatisfaction with themselves.  This is what we’re up against as Christians;  how do we answer those who have educated themselves into oblivion when it comes to eternal truths regarding the nature of Christ, and the Word of God?  That all religions are not the same, and we do not all serve the same God?
While I was driving around campus trying to find a parking place, I passed (several times)  a man holding a huge sign that read  “Are you Ready?”  He was leaning against the wall of a building, and looked exhausted;  he certainly didn’t look ready for anything, much less the second coming of Christ.
Jesus will return to earth;  quite literally, as prophesied in the Bible.  Study to show yourself approved.  We are called to do two things as Christians:  defend the Truth, and overcome evil with good.  In the days to come, deception will so mirror truth, that even Christians will be easily confused if they don’t know the Word.  Satan seeks to build strongholds in our minds;  this way he can influence a culture, and ultimately the world.  Many well-meaning people have rejected the Truth of the Bible for the lies of world religions;  swayed by the seemingly innocuous teachings of kindness and tolerance.  Today’s thought leaders and gurus are tomorrows’ Antichrist, in spirit if not in person.  The fact is, someone will be, and Jesus will not be his assistant.  On the contrary, Jesus will triumph over him. (II Thessalonians 2:8)  And I intend to be ready.
“Sanctify them by the Truth, for Your Word is Truth.”  ~ John 17:17

Reflections

28 Wednesday Nov 2012

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Ottawa Ontario Canada March 2011 — Winter Scen...

I haven’t written in a while, for several reasons.  When I went through and deleted and altered my posts a few weeks ago, I kind of lost interest in writing at all.  I felt like I ruined my blog.  It was the same feeling I used to have when I left counseling:  maybe I hadn’t irritated my counselor that day, but I also hadn’t been true to myself and how I really think and feel.  For whatever reason, it wasn’t possible to talk things through without making her angry.  So I’m worried about my blog;  do I write what I really think and feel, or keep it upbeat and super-spiritual so nobody gets offended, or thinks there’s something wrong with me.  And there probably is a lot wrong with me,  but I’m okay with that.

There was an elder who had a phenomenal meltdown over something I said at the altar a few years ago;  she had started a horrible rumor about me based on gossip, not fact, and created quite a mess.  A simple phone call would have been wise, and the whole thing could have been avoided.  But, she went to my counselor at a staff meeting and discussed with her what she neglected to ask me first, as the Bible dictates.  In all honesty, my counselor should have spoken to me privately, not to another church leader.   Between the two of them, they created a situation that further destroyed my therapy.  I had approached the elder after service to ask her what she herself had been telling people, and she admitted that she had lied to my counselor based on what she had heard (gossip) not on fact.  Then she asked what I expected her to do about it, as it had already turned into a quite a witch hunt, and I said well, I would like you to go and tell my counselor that what you said was not at all true.  She looked at me blankly for a second and said “Elders don’t do that.”  And  suddenly I looked at her and thought  “You know what?  I’m fine.  I’m no more or less healthy than anyone in leadership.”  That is, if they’re honest.  But they can’t be;  they have too much to lose.

I, on the other hand, have nothing to lose.  Everything I valued or thought was important has been taken from me.  There is little you can do to someone after trauma.  If all I’m left with is my relationship with God, my Bible, and my family, I’m fine.  I don’t need awards, degrees, plaques, or diplomas.  I do need a paycheck, but I’m working on that.

The situation was never resolved; I wrote a letter, and spoke with my counselor, but even though she was the one who called the original meeting, she suddenly decided she didn’t want to be involved.  And wouldn’t discuss it at all.  And everything continued to fall apart, and we continued to “do therapy”.  Without talking.

Therapy is not about techniques and theory as much as it is about relationship.  You can’t just ‘go to another therapist’ at least, not if you already have a long-established relationship with one.  And with pastoral counseling, it’s even more so;  while establishing safety is always a first step in relationships (of any kind, actually)  it’s the person of the therapist that is what is important for healing.  If I had to pick the original reason that things didn’t work out, I would have to say it was the lack of trust due to the lack of (perceived) safety.  Yes, all due largely to conflicts of interest and confidentiality, but even these things could have been worked through, and would have provided not just ‘life change’ but life healing.  Soul healing.

I have recently started becoming more involved at church, and I have to say it is the most fun I’ve had in a long time.  I’ve made new friends, and been reunited with old ones, and the change is good.  It feels like fresh air blowing through a vast wasteland of pain and regret.  The old situations are not healed, and can’t be, as I’m not allowed to go to my therapy, and the elder who caused the problem has left to ‘minister’ somewhere else.  I struggle with bitterness and grief, but I don’t feel angry, just sad. I’ve done all I know to do, and there is nothing else but to wait on God.  In the meantime, the new stuff is a healthy distraction, and it’s fun.  I feel like me again.  So we’ll see how it goes.