Monthly Archives: April 2011

Trust and Trauma: the Hidden Wound of Relational Abuse

18 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in The Journey

≈ Leave a comment

grayscale photo of woman covering her mouth using her hands

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

One of the most devastating effects of trauma, especially when it occurs within a relationship, is the loss of the ability to trust.  Emotional trauma  can occur when an individual is physically, emotionally, or sexually abused.  Verbal abuse and neglect also destroy trust, but are not always as obvious as assault or sexual abuse.  These wounds go deeper into our souls, and it is very difficult to learn how to trust again.

It is not just that the individual has been wounded, and as a result, makes a conscious decision not to trust.  It is as though a mechanism is broken, and the ability to trust is lost.  This makes it extremely difficult to ask for and receive help.  We are wounded in relationship, and it is through relationship that we are healed.

It is the nature of trauma to irrevocably change us.  We become hyper-vigilant, suspicious, and wary of people and situations.  Asking anybody for help is to risk being vulnerable and disappointed.  We are also at risk of being misunderstood:  how do you trust someone who does not understand you, or what you’re going through?  People who have been abused have a great deal of difficulty in relationships;  there is a need to test people over and over again.  Few people, even professional helpers, can endure the endless testing of their integrity and patience.  For family members and loved ones, trying to help can be frustrating and overwhelming.

Being a survivor of abuse or assault changes you.  You have suddenly become part of a very private ‘club’.  Very few people in your world will be able to relate to you; to understand your fear, emotions and hypersensitivity.  It becomes difficult to attend both social and family functions.  Small talk is no longer relevant, and possibly dangerous.  Finding a place of safety becomes a primary focus.  Depression and anxiety become familiar spirits as you walk a very lonely path.

It is a rare privilege and honor to come alongside and walk with someone who may never fully trust you, but to be a calm, steady presence in the life of a survivor gives an opportunity to repair what has been broken.  Although the actual work of rebuilding trust can go on indefinitely, the foundation has to be laid in relationship, and the willingness of the person helping to accept the fact that it is simply not possible for the survivor to trust.  It should not be viewed as a choice, or rejection, but as a normal and healthy response to abnormal and unhealthy circumstances.

“Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience…And over all these virtues put on love.”  Colossians  3:12,14

You Make Me Feel…

08 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Let’s be real.  We can make each other feel terrible.  I’ve done it; so have you.  And it’s been done to us.  The idea that ‘no one can make you feel anything’ is part of the current pop-psychology that has infiltrated the church, to the degree that we’ve become both careless and callous.  Don’t get me wrong;  I love psychology; I’m a student of it.  But for it to have any practical value, it has to be realistic.  We hurt people.  And anyone who has suffered through verbal abuse knows the destructive power of words.  Especially verbal abuse from a spiritual authority.  Scripture is clear:  our words can do a lot of damage.  In fact,  it goes so far as to say that not only our words, but even our tone of voice-  the way we say things-  can be hurtful.  Words burrow into the back of our minds like well-placed arrows; we hear them over and over again.  One thoughtless, careless remark can undo the whole healing process and necessitate starting all over again.  Gossip destroys trust; arguments spin out of control, and relationships end.  When we can’t attack someone physically,  we do it verbally.  And we know we’re hurting them.  The fact is, we absolutely can make each other feel sad, mad, happy, scared, worthless.  Our words bless, or curse; they bring healing, or cause pain.  We hurt each other. We damage each other.  And to add insult to injury, rather than apologizing, and taking responsibility for our words, we flaunt our ‘I can’t make you feel anything’ attitude.  We are so smug in our little christian world sometimes.

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”  Colossians  4:6

The Snare of the Fowler

06 Wednesday Apr 2011

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Birds are the last surviving dinosaurs.

Image via Wikipedi

Fowlers, or bird catchers, were common in biblical times.  They provided birds as food, caged pets, and sacrifices.  Fowling was also considered a sport, and a source of amusement.

Because fowlers often hunted birds by capturing them in traps, the word is sometimes used in scripture as a warning of danger.  The psalmist wrote “We have escaped like a bird from the snare of the fowlers.” (Psalm 124:7)  Proverbs 6:5 advises a youth to ‘save yourself [from temptation]…like a bird from the hand of the fowler.’

The passage recited from Jeremiah compares those who exploit others to gain wealth with fowlers who snare edible fowl beyond their needs. (The illustrated Dictionary of life in Bible Times, p. 144)  “For scoundrels are found among my people; they take over the goods of others.  Like fowlers, they set a trap; they catch human beings.”  Jeremiah 5:26,27.

Psalm 124:7 (KJV):  Our soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers:  the snare is broken, and we are escaped.” And verse 8:  “Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” This entire Psalm is a psalm of deliverance.

(Dake’s Annotated Reference Bible, p. 610, note c)  Three outstanding facts which are clear in such an escape:

1.  Our personal weakness.  (i.e. Israel)

2.  The power of our enemies.

3.   The miraculous power of God!

(note d) The snare is broken.  “How like God this is, who always makes a way of escape from temptation or trouble in plenty of time for us to be able to bear it, and still know that it has been a miraculous deliverance.”  (Psalm 91; 1 Corinthians 10:13-14)

Psalm 91:3:  “For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence…: (Psalm 141, 142-deliverance from snares.)

According to the psalmist, anyone who trusts in God has nothing to fear from the hazards of life, as symbolized by the cunning snares and traps used by catchers of birds.  The snare of a fowler often consisted of a net arranged in such a way that when a bird, or other small animal took the bait (and how often we do!) the net would fall and capture it.

Another kind of snare was a rope noose, which caught its prey by its feet, or fell from above and caught the bird or mammal by the neck.  Larger animals were trapped when they fell into a concealed hole in the ground.

The wiles (strategies) of Satan are frequently referred to in scripture as a snare. (1 Timothy 3:7)

See also:  Psalm 91:3,  Hosea 9:8