This was a heart-broken day. It was my youngest daughter’s twentieth birthday, but I didn’t get to spend it with her. Her father picked her up at school and took her to Ohio, and she won’t be home until tomorrow night. She went to a basketball game and out to dinner, and will stay at a hotel tonight. She is having the time of her life, and I wouldn’t take it from her for the world. He can more than afford it, and I can’t compete with NBA games, and Universal studios, or condos on the beach. I, however, am having a hard time buying her a card and a gift. I knew this was going to happen, but I had set my mind to be okay, and I was (kind of) until someone reminded me this afternoon that the girlfriend went along with them.
And, I confess, I think I have hate in my heart tonight, Lord. A bag of candy and a lot of tears later, I believe there’s some intense dislike and resentment there.
I don’t want to be the kind of person who hates, or dislikes anyone. I usually don’t, but this one is hard. Always. So please, God, guard my heart against bitterness. And hopelessness. Hopeless is a horrible feeling, but it can be so hard to fight it, and some days I just don’t feel like fighting.
Sometimes I feel that there is no corner of my life untouched by sadness.
I have not heard from my landlord yet regarding the house; I owe them money, and am not sure [again] if we’re coming or going. I am so very tired of moving. If I had a million dollars, I would buy a place of rest and refuge. (With roses.) Somewhere peaceful, private, quiet and safe. It would be nice to be able to go to sleep for one night and not have to worry about money, or bills, or being homeless, or having the utilities shut off. It’s not that I’m not grateful for what I have (and I have a lot) but the financial and emotional fallout from divorce and domestic violence is huge.
I had written last time about I book I had found, about False Memory Syndrome. The book has been enormously helpful, but healing from misguided therapy has taken a backseat to all of the financial worries and health problems. I will write more about it, because writing helps, but not tonight.
Tonight all I will do is trust God, and pray that tomorrow will be a better day.
(And try to beat my daughter at Trivia Crack. Or maybe I will let her win, just for tonight. After all, it is her birthday.)