Tag Archives: Christ

Does God Care?

14 Sunday Oct 2012

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Bird

(Photo credit: Dave Williss)

I have lost my heart for writing lately.  An unexpected turn of events has left me feeling like I maybe should just not do this.  Any of it. Someone I care about read my blog, and was hurt by it. So I have gone through each post and tried to clean it up, and delete things that could be taken personally, but well aware in the process that I am once again deleting myself.  It’s difficult.

My Aunt went into the hospital on Thursday;  she needs a pacemaker to regulate her heartbeat.  I was thinking this morning that I wish I could have an emotional pacemaker for when things are overwhelming, and the world is scary.  So that when a relationship ends, I could continue to function without being blindsided by grief.  But that’s not how life works.  Loss hurts.

I went to church Friday evening;  the worst part (for me) is when the ushers try to seat you.  A very severe lady told me to “follow her” and I thought, oh, sweetheart, that’s not how this works.  I held back, and sat in the back row, as I always do, which visibly irritates them.  Only I can manage my anxiety in church, and angry ushers do not help. She was not happy.

I had a client once who said that he had tried to go to church, and he really liked it, except that when it came time for the offering, the ushers closed and locked the doors into the hallway.  And this particular client also suffers from severe anxiety.  He was never able to go back;  psychologically, he understood why they would do that (the church is in the city) but physiologically, he just couldn’t do it again.  I felt so bad for him.  Our church also has locked doors;  ropes, and people who shut you out, or trap you in hallways when you only meant to go to the ladies room quickly and get back in your seat before the whole room was sitting down.  I leave church exhausted.  And sad.  A lot of anxiety, and a lot of grief.  I wonder what God thinks as He observes all of this, done in His name? To inspire worship of Him?  To help us to see Him reflected in the lives of those who serve Him?  Because I don’t see it, not much, anyway.  I see organizational chaos. A lot of Very Important People running around with their headsets, and beepers, and pagers, very impressed with their roles and titles, but not really having a clue what they’re doing.  Or what they’re doing to people. Does God care?

Grief is a horrible, horrible feeling.  I am overwhelmed with it this week, and can’t write much.  A pacemaker would help.  My heart also beats too slowly sometimes, like my aunt.  My emotional heart also beats slowly, and sometimes bottoms out completely.  I have a meeting at church in an hour.  There was a wonderful gentleman who took my application for the Life Teams;  when he asked why I have not been involved in church, I accidentally blurted out “Because they do not want me.” And he threw his head back and laughed.  No, really;  that was the message left on my answering machine.  But I laughed too.  And said I want to be involved, and I do, my nerves don’t, and is there a place for me where nobody can see me?  I just want to help people;  to love those who hurt like I do, and tell them it’s okay.  It is all going to be okay.  They will be okay.  Time does not heal everything.  All healing takes time.  Some things will not heal, not in this lifetime.  Grief does not get better;  gone is, well, gone.  No therapy technique can fix a broken relationship, or heal a loss.  Only God can.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness….”   ~II Corinthians 12:9

Warfare in Wonderland

07 Friday Sep 2012

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spirituality shelf

spirituality shelf (Photo credit: professor megan)

There is no greater protection against false teaching than knowing the Word. If you are not going to study it for yourself, expect to be led down a lot of rabbit holes, even in church. And just as God has a plan for your life, so does the enemy. Your best strategy is to study, pray, and stick to truth and common sense.

When I was in counseling, there were a lot of wacky forays into trendy territory that profited little and did more harm than good. Many of our local Christian counselors were caught up in the ‘recovered memory‘ phase that undermined marriage and family therapy in the eighties and nineties. Families were referred to as ‘dysfunctional’ and cutoff was encouraged. No mention of grace, mercy, or forgiveness. No allowances for differences of opinion or habit. Then along came the ‘boundaries’ phase, which was heavily endorsed by those with a strong need to control everything from relationships to conversations.

If I were the enemy, and couldn’t tempt people with obvious sin, wouldn’t it make sense to have a different strategy, aimed at people’s emotional vulnerabilities and unstable belief systems?

A few years ago, a friend had asked some of us to co-facilitate a group for mothers and daughters. Sitting in her beautiful living room, with our girls sprawled listlessly in front of us, we taught and encouraged each other. As my friend was speaking, she said something that seemed to stand out in neon lights in front of me. She said (to the girls) “Whatever demon has been following you [through life] has been keeping a notebook.” She was sitting on one side of the fireplace, and I on the other, and the words hung in the air between us. I don’t even think the girls were paying attention. That thought stayed with me, and over the next few weeks, I had several different experiences.

While driving one day, and thinking about what was said, I was suddenly in the Spirit. As I was on the highway passing the church, I suddenly saw a group of dark figures in a huddle, and realized they were talking about me. As I listened, I realized they were discussing strategy, and I was observing from the side. One of the figures suddenly said ” We’ll just do the usual.” And I suddenly got angry. The vision abruptly ended, and I thought “Really? Am I so predictable to the enemy that all he has to do is say “We’ll just do the usual” and it works?

After several days more thinking about this, it finally dawned on me [so to speak] to ask God to help me develop my own strategy to counteract the enemy, and strengthen myself spiritually.

Shortly after this experience, I asked God to reveal the names of these three figures who were exerting such influence on my life. What eventually came to me was Fear, Grief and Shame. No matter how hard I tried; no matter what effort I put into lists, plans, goals, and resolutions, I saw that I could be blind-sided by any one of these at any time. I suddenly saw it as a strategic plan to keep me from even remotely making progress in fulfilling the purposes of God in my life.

I have severe social phobia, which means that I am highly unlikely to head off to a bar, or casino for an evening of mindless fun. It also means that I generally make a complete idiot of myself whenever I leave the house and attempt any adult interaction, but it at least limits the trouble I can get into out in the world. (Well, except for the getting fired part.) If the enemy has a strategy for me, it almost always involves unwitting church leaders, counselors, and elders. As well-meaning as they are, they unknowingly play into a strategy that was developed long before they met me. The major themes of my life: shame, fear, rejection and grief, get played out in the church theater; the actual players may change, but not the strategy. At first, the only counter-strategy I could come up with was to just keep going and not quit. And this works, to some extent, but it makes for an awfully depressing life.

What is far better is to develop a strong and steady core, or center, where nothing, absolutely nothing, shakes you. A determination to be polite, kind, strong, steady and stable regardless of how others act or treat you. I have been reading a lot of Gordon MacDonald lately. Gordon is the editor-at-large for Leadership Journal; his writing is sincere and truthful. In the book Ordering Your Private World, he describes the day he ‘hit the wall’, and what this did to him spiritually. He goes on to write about the importance of developing your inner life to the extent that what happens publicly doesn’t derail you spiritually.

I have hit a lot of walls; I expect there will be more. The best strategy is to become so strong, and so focused on the end goal  (that final affirmation on the part of God: “Well done, good and faithful servant”) that no slight, insult or unkindness on the part of another affects us to the degree that we react in kind.  Forgiveness.  Grace.  Mercy.  These are our weapons;  the best strategies for peace in times of turmoil.  Always err on the side of love;  it disarms any weapon the enemy will try to use against you.

In Retrospect

13 Monday Aug 2012

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Barnes and noble

Barnes and noble (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, . . . nothing shall be impossible unto you.”   Matthew 17:20

Much of my life has been sabotaged by anxiety.  I was driving to Barnes and Noble last night, and decided to listen to Pastor Carters’ message from a couple of weeks ago on the way.  Two things have stood out to me in recent weeks.  One is that I do not truly understand the love of Christ for me.  Hear me out on this one, because it won’t make sense to those obsessed with doctrine, but I have loved God and His word for since I was a little girl.  What I have never been comfortable with is my relationship to, or with, Jesus.  In all honesty, I’m afraid of Him.  All of our cultural analogies (He’s a friend, a lover, a brother) make me uncomfortable.  The only role I’m comfortable with is that of Jesus as Teacher, as that one I can relate to. But as  the pastor was talking about Christ taking my place before God and bearing my sins for me; about being my advocate, I suddenly began to realize the mind of Christ towards me, and  the role He plays in my relationship with God as never before.  I cannot in all honesty fathom Christ actually praying for, or advocating for me, because I know me.  Nobody in their right mind would, and most of those who have promised to do so have jumped ship.

There are many books on the market, mostly geared toward women, that try to appeal to our sense of romance in order to illustrate our relationship with Christ.  Sorry, can’t relate to that either, having never been loved, or in love, for that matter.  (I did tell you the marriage ended, right?)  And those books make me uncomfortable.  Jesus as brother?  As peer?  As best friend?  I feel like Goldilocks;  nothing fits.  And, they seem to me to make Him less than in an effort to make Him approachable.  Less than Holy;  less than righteous;  less than the embodiment of the full power and authority of God.

When I was engaged to my husband, I was in spiritual torment.  There is a place marked and dated in my Bible, December 1, 1985.  It’s the story of Abraham in Genesis;  the supreme test of his faith, when God required him to lay his son on the altar. This particular day, while  I struggled with the knowledge that I should not be dating this person, I knew God was asking me to give this relationship up and lay it on the altar of my life.  What I failed to see until very recently, is that God provided a substitute when Abraham obeyed in spite of his broken heart.  I was so focused on what I would be losing (my only chance to have a relationship) that I never saw the whole story:  that in the end God provided something better.

The other thing that has stood out to me in the last couple of weeks has been the pastor’s encouragement to walk by faith, not by sight.  This will absolutely take  an act of the Holy Spirit,  as things don’t look very good right now.  In fact, the ship is sinking.  My hunch is that it will happen as a result of a growing awareness of God’s acceptance of me, and His willingness to provide a sacrifice in the form of Jesus.  While I have a difficult time with this, mostly due to our cultural clouding of who Jesus really is in relationship to us, I am aware of a growing understanding in this area of my life.  Without this understanding, walking by faith is extremely difficult, if not impossible.

So, those are my thoughts for the day.  Grow in the grace and knowledge of the sacrificial love of God, my friends.

We Are So Not Ready

04 Saturday Aug 2012

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A is for Access

A is for Access (Photo credit: Ben Zvan)

“The context in which we develop the spiritual maturity of our congregations must be the transformation of our communities.”  Mike Regele, The Death of the Church.

I went to church last night;  the pastor spoke on being prepared for the coming of Christ, and a prophetic vision he had several years ago regarding the people who would be coming to church in the near future.  Waves of people unlike those we are accustomed to seeing in the seats around us during a weekend service;  people you would normally see downtown in line for the buses, or at the Civic Center waiting for social services to help them reassemble the shreds of their lives after personal crisis. (And the often accompanying public humiliation.)  The people who make it so very hard to complete the OASAS forms, because their problems don’t quite fit the boxes, and their strengths are relegated to a section of the very last page.  Many of my clients are Christians who are well aware that it would be extremely unwise to share anything about their personal struggles with a church leader, or even a pastoral counselor.  If they did, they are afraid that they would never be taken seriously as people worth investing the time and energy to disciple them.

Several years ago, a woman I know called the church for help with her son.  The woman was a new Christian, who had been visiting the church, and was greatly helped and encouraged by the teaching.  Her son was suicidal, and the woman did not know whom to turn to for help;  her first instinct was to call the church.  When she called, and stated that her son was threatening to kill himself, the very first thing that was said to her by the receptionist was:  “Are you a member?”  This is inexcusable.  To my knowledge, she was not offered prayer, support, or to be connected to pastoral care.  So, no, as the pastor said last night, we are not ready.  If the majority of my clients were to walk in to church tomorrow, with all of their piercings, tattoos, and sometimes oddly colored hair, would they be respectfully led to the front and allowed to sit with the leaders?  Highly unlikely.   Would they be allowed to speak to the pastor after service?  Probably not, as the ushers are well-trained in sleight-of-hand moves such as quietly (but obviously) making sure that only certain people are allowed to ‘bother’ the pastor.  If you have ever stood and waited to ask the pastor about something he just taught on (why in the world would I ask someone else?) and been smoothly re-directed (or even more humiliating, turned away) to someone who doesn’t know the answer to your question, you know what I’m talking about.  This is not what the Bible means by “calling and separation”.  For someone like me, even just going forward is an effort that takes considerable contemplation, and if I do by some miracle get to say something, what is so well-organized in my head is rarely what I hear coming  out of my mouth.  I don’t believe I have ever gone up after service without coming away feeling like a complete idiot who can’t formulate a coherent sentence. It is always an embarrassing, dehumanizing experience.   People with so-called mental health issues (like depression and anxiety) scare the hell out of the leaders; even more so, the ushers.  When I was struggling with severe PTSD after my divorce (on top of my less severe, but equally inconvenient social phobia)  God help the usher who tried to put me in the middle of a row, far away from an exit.

A major factor in systems-centered family therapy is that the therapist takes a role within the family unit in order to disrupt the family dynamics, and unseat the  tightly held notion of “she/he has a problem and if you could just fix her/him we could all go back to being a happy family.”  The unspoken rule:  please don’t address our issues, because as you can see, we obviously don’t have any.

We do this in church.  The people with obvious issues (depression and anxiety become obvious over time, if the person is at all consistent in attendance) are referred for counseling with a pastoral counselor that they cannot afford.  Which is how most of them end up sitting in front of me.  (I don’t make a lot of money.) We as a church are so not ready.  If Syracuse is literally going to be a City of Refuge in the coming days, is it wrong to think it should be an outgrowth of the church?  Admittedly, most pastors and ministers are not trained as trauma therapists. Our church has a better-than-average understanding of psychological terms and concepts, but not so much the practical application of those terms and concepts.  Even so, we are more fortunate than most.  But far too often, concepts such as differentiation are misconstrued to the point that we are cold and unloving;  we build walls, not boundaries.  This will not work with the people in the community, and they will come to church on the weekends, but will still end up in line at the Civic Center on Monday.

What struck me personally last night was the fact that I, too, am not ready.  My own recent personal crisis has made me self-absorbed and spiritually weak, when it should have strengthened me and woke me up.  I myself am not as aware, or willing to be inconvenienced because, well, I have things to do.  I have bills piling up;  things in the house that need attention, kids who need taking care of, and a car that at some point in the near future is going to stop for a red light and just…..stop.  Which means I may be standing on a corner with the rest of the waves of humanity, hoping God will send someone to help me.  Except for the fact that if I truly am a minister of God, I am supposed to be there to help them.

“There is so much more we would like to say about this, but it is difficult to explain, especially since you are spiritually dull and don’t seem to listen.  You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others.  Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word.  You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food.  For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn’t know how to do what is right.  Solid food is for those who are mature,  who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong.”  -Hebrews 5:12

 

The Pain of Regret

25 Wednesday Jul 2012

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Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote

Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote (Photo credit: BostonPhotoSphere)

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”      Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is so easy, at a certain age, to look back over your life with regret for choices you’ve made, and choices you didn’t know you could have made.  Sometimes the past comes up behind us, taps us on the shoulder, and says “Hey, I’m not as far away as you thought!”  And interrupts whatever mindless task we may be doing in the moment.  Having had a series of what I call ‘trained-monkey jobs’  I have had a lot of time to think;  too much time, if the thinking is always negative.  It takes a great deal of mental strength to change your thinking, especially once you’ve already headed down the wrong path.  Unfortunately, the beginning of that path is usually located in the subconscious regions of our brain, down with all of the stored memories and accompanying emotions.

This is why it says in the Word of God that there is a division between our soul and spirit, like a membrane, and if we strengthen ourselves spiritually, it will have a direct impact on our soul.  A membrane is not a solid wall;  it’s porous, like a filter, yet firm, like a boundary.  We are affected (or infected)  from the outside in;  we heal and grow from the inside out.  Our spirit is where we lay the foundation for outward change;  it’s why others get so impatient during our personal growth processes.  God is at work below the surface;  what people see are residual behaviors and attitudes.

Years ago, it was believed that we were hard-wired in our thinking at an early age, and there was little hope for change;  most therapy was aimed at behavior-management.  This gradually changed, as research discovered what we now call neuro-plasticity:  the regrowth of cells and the natural ability of the brain  to rewire itself, so to speak.  The myelin sheath, which protects nerve endings, can be regenerated; the regrowth of fibrin is critical to regeneration.  Nerve endings,  which is where synapses occur (transmission of chemicals such as serotonin, dopamine, etc.) are repaired as the body utilizes proteins found in the blood stream.  If one part of the brain is destroyed, the remaining parts can be trained to compensate, to a degree, for the lost functioning of the part affected by trauma.

So, what does this mean on a practical level?  It means that while we now have cognitive-behavioral therapies aimed at changing our thinking, in order to produce socially acceptable behaviors, our spirit still gets neglected in most counseling sessions.  The world of evidence-based science has not considered the impact of a strong and healthy spiritual life, nor do they know how to measure it.  It means that when we go to others for advice, counsel, or treatment, we have to remember that a large part of our healing lies in how much time we spend in the Word, whether we understand it or not, and that study is essential to healing.  Time spent in prayer and meditation can do what traditional therapy cannot.  Over time, we will look back and realize we have less regret, our choices become wiser, and the result is evidenced in changed thinking, attitudes, and consequently, behavior.  We cultivate the mind of Christ and reflect the nature of God until we become more like Him, and more like who we were created to be.  This is what makes us a blessing to others;  it stabilizes us, and creates peace, in spirit, soul, and body.  It literally reduces inflammation and allows for the natural healing process to take place, within our spirits, souls and bodies, and eventually in our choices and even in our relationships.  And that, my friends, is what evidence-based practice should look like.  Have a blessed and thought-provoking day, people.

“For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow;  it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”  ~Hebrews 4:12

Hold the drama…..please.

03 Thursday Nov 2011

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Jesus is considered by scholars such as Weber ...

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We spend an awful lot of time as Christians ‘casting out’ bad habits and ‘rebuking’ bad manners.  More often than not,  miracles come not in a dramatic scene in the front of the church, but in the privacy of our everyday lives.  Sometimes deliverance is a matter of getting out of bed,  making the coffee, opening the front door, and facing the world. It may be making a phone call,  an appointment, or actually opening the bills, and possibly even paying them. Not as romantic, maybe, but to the legions of demons waiting to stop us (lest, God forbid, we overcome those bad habits and actually do something with our lives) much more threatening.  Sudden miracles do not generally make for mature, wise people.

So, instead of screeching “I rebuke you!” with pointed finger, and mock authority to everyone who irritates us, let’s just relax.  A little bit.  Take a breath, count to ten, or whatever works for you, and let it go.  Save it for the real battles; they will come.  Tearing down strongholds is tedious work, and requires facing some harsh reality.  That shouldn’t mean being harsh with each other.  Or ourselves, for that matter.  A little grace goes a long way

“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God, to the pulling down of strongholds; casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God.” 

Great is Thy Faithfulness

08 Tuesday Mar 2011

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Elijah Is Nourished by an Angel (1Kings 19:1-21)

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But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  Psalm 13:5

It’s difficult to imagine a life without trials.  Friends fail, relationships end, bills pile up and there is no end in sight. But God...has declared that He will never leave or forsake us;  will not leave us in the pit of despair, and will actually come into that pit, and get us. Even if it is a pit of our own making, whether through lack of wisdom, or deliberate choice.  He rescues us- not because we’re perfect, or successful, or good, but because we are His.  And because He does see the end from the beginning, He never gives up on us, even when we’ve given up, and, like Elijah, curl up under a tree and pray to die.  Battles won in the past recede into dim memories when new enemies appear on the horizon.  Thank God we don’t have to fight the new battles in our own strength.  Really, literally, Thank God.

Speaking the Truth in Love

20 Wednesday Oct 2010

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the Stainned Gless of depicting the Holy Spirit.

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Truth should always be spoken in love.  Sometimes our intentions are misunderstood, and sometimes we do not understand our own motives for saying things.  Spiritual maturity is about being able to hear what someone is saying, and sifting it through the truth we know about ourselves, and then asking the Holy Spirit to reveal what we don’t know.  God is not out to humiliate, or embarrass us. We have to learn to take these situations and lay them out before the Lord and admit that we don’t know what to do.  Words that are spoken cannot be unspoken.  The most difficult thing to do is to go back and say “I’m sorry”.   When we have reacted by over-spiritualizing something, it’s even more difficult.  Most of the time we’re not being attacked  by demons, but by consequences.  A hard thing to admit, when our reputations are at stake.  Sometimes, truth hurts.  But healing is not possible unless truth is spoken in love.  This is the value in counseling.  If someone has known a great deal of harshness and unkindness in their life, it can be a tremendously restorative experience to have a person who treats you with love and respect.  A good counselor models the love of God to their clients, and teaches by example what grace and mercy look like in relationship.

So, where does that leave us?  For starters, let’s be gentle, kind, and forgiving with each other.  In his letter to the Ephesian church, Paul encouraged the new believers to speak the truth in love, for the express purpose of becoming more like Christ.  He said:  “Then we will no longer be immature like children.”  When we have a problem with another believer, we should go to them privately, and speak to them in a way that encourages growth and healing.  Children react defensively.  Not every situation is a ‘win-win’ situation, and contrary to popular opinion, this shouldn’t be our goal.  Love is.   Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go of your need to be right;  to say, “You know what, I’ve hurt you, and I didn’t mean to.  I’m so sorry.  What can I do to make this right?”  Think of how many problems in the church could be avoided if love was our primary goal.  Right thinking may be accomplished by Truth alone, but no true soul healing occurs without love, in or outside of the church.

“Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.”  -Ephesians 4:15 NLT

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“…but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead…” Philippians 3:13

17 Wednesday Mar 2010

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Salix caprea

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The enemy always attacks a birth and a death.  If God is ‘birthing’ something in you, know that the enemy will do whatever he can to distract, discourage, defeat, and disarm you.  The enemy is strategic, and so you should be when it comes to protecting that which is growing and maturing inside of you.

A death for the Christian is always a new beginning- and this is why satan attacks  whatever dreams, hopes, and plans we abandon, or die to, in order to give all that we are, have, and hope to be to God.  We have a tendency to cling and hold tightly to that which is dead, or dying in our lives; the permanence of letting go causes grief, depression, and soul-pain beyond that which we feel we can bear.

But, as my daughter pointed out to me awhile ago, “you can’t go forward if you’re always looking backwards!” Be honest with God- ask for His help; letting go emotionally is a process.  So is emotional healing.  It happens over time, not overnight.

So, what are you holding on to?  What is God asking you to let go of?