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So I was informed tonight that my spiritual beliefs are ‘primitive’.  That I have not yet attained a high level of ‘Christ Consciousness’, and therefore, cannot accurately read and interpret scripture.  For myself.  That I have already lived several life times, and the life I’m living now is currently a mess because of bad karma, due to all of my transgressions in previous lifetimes.

I have a lot wrong with me.

I struggle with both depression and anxiety.  According to the DSM IV, (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: the most holy and revered ‘bible’ of the mental health field) I meet ALL of the criteria for a personality disorder.  I’m not arguing with this one;  I’m hiding all the way in the back of the book.  Yup, Cluster C.  That’s me.  In fact, for years I’ve toyed with the idea of getting a personalized license plate that says so.  Personality disorders are grouped into three clusters based on similar personality traits:  Cluster A (odd, or eccentric), cluster B is the drama/hysteria gang, and then there’s C:  anxious and fearful.  (AKA:  Stacey.)

Afraid of pretty much everything;  heavy on the ‘avoidant’ traits, and, as had been said to me at every single place of employment I’ve ever had the honor of being fired from:  Extremely Insecure.  Lacking Confidence.  Afraid to get out of bed.  Pick up a phone.  Talk to people.  Etc., etc.  Oh, and those OCD features aren’t fun on the job, either.  At least not for my co-workers.

The DSM V is coming out this spring;  and as far as I know, from everything I’ve read from the APA,  there is still no hope for me.  Not really kidding about this; avoidant personalities don’t typically do well in therapy (duh);  hence: No Hope.  (APA, by the way, stands for the American Psychological Association;  you know, the Men in the Little White Coats.  Suits, actually.  Expensive ones.)

BUT                                                               

I know, that I know, that I know

In Whom I have believed.

And I am convinced that He is able;

To keep all of me [my life, my heart, my mind]

that I’ve committed [surrendered] to Him.

I don’t mind being called primitive.  Mentally ill.  Inept;  inadequate, unworthy, not normal, whatever you want to call me.   I have heard it all.  And seen the hairy eye-rolls. I might even have been it all, at different times and seasons.  (Hormones, anyone?)

Because when Jesus writes in the sand…..  Forgiven.  She Belongs to Me.  She is worth it all….. to Me. 

It is so much louder than the roar of the accuser.  The whispers of the Church.  The professional labels of Those Who Have Degrees.  Or those who don’t, but pretend they do.

The lies of the enemy.

And His silence speaks volumes into my life;  redeems, restores, heals.

Peaceful

And I am ever so grateful to be me.

Because of who I am to Him.

“He leads me beside still waters….He restores my soul……”

Psalm 23

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