Lattes in the Lobby

29 Wednesday Aug 2012

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Description: Coffee cortado (An latte art exam...

Description: Coffee cortado (An latte art example) Author: Mortefot from flickr.com Date: May 22, 2005 Source: Image on flickr.com License: Creative Commons Attribution License Version 2.0 (“cc-by-sa-2.0”) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being a Christian in America isn’t like being a Christian anywhere else in the world.  There is a sense of entitlement pervading the church;  prosperity to most American Christians means a life of leisure and the ability to have whatever those in Hollywood have.  It’s “Name it and Claim it” on steroids.  Go into any Christian bookstore, and there is more cheesy plastic junk with scripture on it than there are high quality, well-made items.  We have books and Bibles, Christian entertainment, mints with scripture printed on them, and more future garage-sale items than we can possibly ever need.  While our fellow Christians around the world are risking their lives to read well-worn pages of scripture, we can lay around reading christian romance novels.  The sad part is, this is not the life we signed up for.  It happens gradually to most of us;  the initial high we get from embracing a new way of life gives way to feelings of emptiness, and ever-increasing attempts to appear prosperous.  We’re not rooted and grounded, we’re frantic and stressed.  But we sure look good, don’t we?

Churches look more and more like shopping malls.  I recently went in to the bookstore at our church to buy a bible for someone, and got all caught up trying to decide between the pink, the purple, or the gold.  (We chose pink.)  And bought several more things on the way to the counter.  And of course, we needed two specialty coffees for the ride home; make mine a latte, please.

Our daily lives aren’t really any different from everybody else.  We watch the same television shows, go to the same movies, and listen to the same music.  I know quite a few Christians who think nothing of driving out to spend time at the casino.  What in the world are we thinking?  We’re not going there to witness, we’re going to be entertained.  Is this really where we want to spend time and money?  This is what calling and separation are about;  being in the world and not of it.  It’s remembering that whether we are going to Taco Bell or the gas station, we are ministers on a mission, 24/7.  We are so afraid of offending people that we end up not affecting anybody.  We have the spiritual authority to make a difference;  to influence the environment around us, and instead of using our authority, we leave it to the church leaders to worry about while we run off to play with our friends.  We adapt to culture when we should be creating it.

Ain’t it grand to be a christian.  Ain’t it grand.

Creating Room for Growth

21 Tuesday Aug 2012

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Sunday Morning.

Sunday Morning. (Photo credit: meg_williams)

In the current issue of Success magazine, publisher Darren Hardy (www.success.com) describes how his wife approaches  interior design.  First, she takes everything out of the room.  Then she adds back only what is necessary and what fits, and what is needed becomes evident in the process.  The analogy is made by the publisher that this process works not only in interior design, but in business, and in our personal lives.  When redesigning your life:  take everything out, and then put back only what you actually need and want.  (This is best done on paper first.)

Why is it that when we are blindsided by crisis, our dreams and visions seem to grow exponentially?  I think it’s because of the space the crisis provides:  it wipes the slate clean, and as long as there is a good foundation, a whole new life can be rebuilt.   When things fall apart, take the opportunity to examine your life, and what you were doing.  Was there anything of value? What elements do you want to keep?  What do you never want to do again?  Unless you are living an intentional life, you will unintentionally recreate the same mess you were in before.

In the same issue of the magazine, John C. Maxwell discusses how he decided years ago to implement two qualities, being intentional, and being consistent, and how this has led to success in his own life. We tend to keep adding to our lives in a frenzied attempt to look for what is missing;  what we don’t do is take out what isn’t working, or isn’t necessary so we can get a better look at what we actually have.  We have untapped resources and opportunities already built into our daily lives that we don’t take advantage of because we can’t see them.  We are emotional hoarders of relationships and activities that no longer serve a purpose.

This is what it looks like in practice:  We go to church and hear the Pastor speak on how we as a church are not ready.  We leave the church parking lot blessed and highly motivated, and full of good intentions.    On the way home, we stop to get the Sunday paper, put gas in the car,  go to Wegman’s to buy food for lunch, or go out to eat with friends and/or family; maybe run to the mall, or throw in some laundry, do the dishes,  and watch television.  The next morning, we wake up late, get ready, run out the door, and get sucked back into another day  of mindless, unfruitful activity.

Unless we intentionally put our bottoms in a chair, and sit down with a Bible, a notebook, a pen, and at the very least a dictionary, it is just not going to happen.   I happen to like to study;  I listen to motivational teaching, or messages from church in the car; I have stacks of books by my bed, and I’m always studying or researching some topic, even when I’m not in school.  I carry notebooks, pens, highlighters, because it’s fun for me.  I realize it’s not for everybody, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be intentional in your own way about studying the Word.

At some point over the next twenty-four hours, take out a blank sheet of paper.  Draw a circle in the middle;  this represents you.  Now draw lines extending from the circle to smaller circles, and label them with the parts of your life that are necessary;  these will be specific and different for different people.  Most people will have circles labeled with family, work, friends, church, school, or whatever pertains to their own lives.  Those are the circles you need to examine;  the work you do, the classes you are taking (or not taking)  the church you attend;  the friends and associates you claim as your own.  What you are basically doing is taking inventory.  Now get another sheet of blank paper.  Put you in the middle.  Now, only put the circles back that are necessary, or that you actually want in your life.  And each smaller circle will have only the people, or activities you actually want and need for you own health and well-being.  What gets left out?  Or who?  I recently got a new cell phone;  the only names I put in immediately were my parents and my daughters.  I am gradually adding other family members, and have added a couple of close friends, but when I looked at the contact list on the old phone, I realized I don’t want to add all those numbers.  Too much stress, too much noise;  too many distractions.  So I will be very careful about what I add.  Same thing with work;  being out of a job is like having a clean slate.  I’m still a counselor;  still a writer;  still an educator, but in terms of a paycheck,  my  options are open.  Intentional living means we create space for growth in our lives;  sometimes life does it for us, whether we intended to or not.  Either way, it’s an opportunity.

“Now is the time to develop new habits, new goals, and new perspectives that will give your life a quality that will bring honor to the God who loved you so much that He gave His life for you.”   ~ Ted W. Engstrom  The Pursuit of Excellence  (Zondervan, 1982)

 

Recipes for Blessing in a Time of Battle

18 Saturday Aug 2012

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List of breads

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last night the Pastor spoke about a vision he had a few years ago.  It concerned three angels;  one was holding a stopwatch, one was holding a trumpet, and the third was holding a sword in one hand, and three large books in the other.  This angel was preparing believers for battle (the sword) by providing instruction concerning “Battle Prayers”  such as Psalm 25, 26, 27, 37, and 51 to pray and declare over our lives; the second book was a book of “Songs of Thanksgiving” (which is a form of spiritual warfare) and  the third book was a book of specific instructions, like a cookbook.  The instructions are like recipes; to be followed exactly, not only for increasing blessing and prosperity in a time of battle, but  so that we can be prepared for the times to come.  For the people who will come.  For those of us who have been Christians for a very long time, much of this should be habit by now.  Because we are so unprepared and undisciplined, we live sloppy, unfruitful lives. Many in the Church are finding themselves going back to what they were taught in the beginning, and trying to make up for lost time, myself included. We are not yet ready.

Today I am making banana bread for the baby’s first birthday party.  I suddenly realized the cookbook was lying on the counter unopened;  I have made this so many times, and am so familiar with the recipe, that it’s now habit.  This is how familiar we should be with the Word of God;  the best strategy is to prepare before the battle: in times of peace, and prosperity.

I lost focus for a while;  grief caught me off guard, and while God sustained me emotionally and physically, my faith has been eroded with all of the ups and downs of life.  I feel that I was much stronger spiritually than I am now.  Not sure if it is due to depression, medication, or distraction, but the fact is I am not where I was.  A lot of it is due to the experience I went through in the church (hence the medication) but I do know that a lot of that was part of the enemy’s strategy to take me out of  a place I was called to.  It’s difficult to stay the course when things are said, or done that are not fair.  When people cause such pain that it leaves scars and memories that hurt and distract when you’re trying to keep focused.  It’s hard not to want to defend yourself, or run away.

The pastor also spoke about words, and the danger of idle words, or returning evil for evil.  Blessing someone who has done you great harm takes more strength than I have.  It also seems stupid.  Aren’t we supposed to assert ourselves, and confront those who irritate us?  Isn’t being compassionate kind of wishy-washy?

I realized a long time ago that I can be polite and still set boundaries.  I’m not good at it, but am aware of it.  It’s possible to be courteous to those who have been rude, or who have spread gossip, in an effort to impress those who have chosen them as leaders.  Those are the things we take to God, in our private and personal prayer time (or on the spot when necessary)  and leave on the altar before Him,  while getting our instruction for what to do next.  Right now, the instruction is to prepare:  to study the Word and get our lives in order.  But first I have to finish making the banana bread.

“Study and be eager and do your utmost to present yourself to God approved (tested by trial), a workman who has no cause to be ashamed, correctly analyzing and accurately dividing [rightly handling and skillfully teaching] the Word of Truth.”      II Timothy 2:15 (Amp)

In Retrospect

13 Monday Aug 2012

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Barnes and noble

Barnes and noble (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, . . . nothing shall be impossible unto you.”   Matthew 17:20

Much of my life has been sabotaged by anxiety.  I was driving to Barnes and Noble last night, and decided to listen to Pastor Carters’ message from a couple of weeks ago on the way.  Two things have stood out to me in recent weeks.  One is that I do not truly understand the love of Christ for me.  Hear me out on this one, because it won’t make sense to those obsessed with doctrine, but I have loved God and His word for since I was a little girl.  What I have never been comfortable with is my relationship to, or with, Jesus.  In all honesty, I’m afraid of Him.  All of our cultural analogies (He’s a friend, a lover, a brother) make me uncomfortable.  The only role I’m comfortable with is that of Jesus as Teacher, as that one I can relate to. But as  the pastor was talking about Christ taking my place before God and bearing my sins for me; about being my advocate, I suddenly began to realize the mind of Christ towards me, and  the role He plays in my relationship with God as never before.  I cannot in all honesty fathom Christ actually praying for, or advocating for me, because I know me.  Nobody in their right mind would, and most of those who have promised to do so have jumped ship.

There are many books on the market, mostly geared toward women, that try to appeal to our sense of romance in order to illustrate our relationship with Christ.  Sorry, can’t relate to that either, having never been loved, or in love, for that matter.  (I did tell you the marriage ended, right?)  And those books make me uncomfortable.  Jesus as brother?  As peer?  As best friend?  I feel like Goldilocks;  nothing fits.  And, they seem to me to make Him less than in an effort to make Him approachable.  Less than Holy;  less than righteous;  less than the embodiment of the full power and authority of God.

When I was engaged to my husband, I was in spiritual torment.  There is a place marked and dated in my Bible, December 1, 1985.  It’s the story of Abraham in Genesis;  the supreme test of his faith, when God required him to lay his son on the altar. This particular day, while  I struggled with the knowledge that I should not be dating this person, I knew God was asking me to give this relationship up and lay it on the altar of my life.  What I failed to see until very recently, is that God provided a substitute when Abraham obeyed in spite of his broken heart.  I was so focused on what I would be losing (my only chance to have a relationship) that I never saw the whole story:  that in the end God provided something better.

The other thing that has stood out to me in the last couple of weeks has been the pastor’s encouragement to walk by faith, not by sight.  This will absolutely take  an act of the Holy Spirit,  as things don’t look very good right now.  In fact, the ship is sinking.  My hunch is that it will happen as a result of a growing awareness of God’s acceptance of me, and His willingness to provide a sacrifice in the form of Jesus.  While I have a difficult time with this, mostly due to our cultural clouding of who Jesus really is in relationship to us, I am aware of a growing understanding in this area of my life.  Without this understanding, walking by faith is extremely difficult, if not impossible.

So, those are my thoughts for the day.  Grow in the grace and knowledge of the sacrificial love of God, my friends.

Learning the Hard Way

11 Saturday Aug 2012

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English: The Arcadian or Pastoral State, secon...

English: The Arcadian or Pastoral State, second painting in The Course of Empire, by Thomas Cole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Counseling was supposed to help me find my voice, but it didn’t;  at least not in the way that writing has.  I have a difficult time sitting in front of someone and talking about myself;  the whole setup is fraught with anxiety and performance-driven psycho-babble.  Over coffee with a close friend?  Yes, maybe.  And sometimes a good session is like that, and I leave feeling lighter, and hopeful.  Other times, interventions feel more like accusations, and I feel trapped, and say anything just to get the session over with so I can get out of there fast.  It shouldn’t be that way, but that’s just how I’m wired.

God doesn’t always redeem our circumstances, but he uses them to redeem us.  He can’t make the other person be willing to forgive, and restore a broken relationship.  He sends a Redeemer;  someone who can advocate for us, and plead our case.

Common sense and loving-kindness both require dealing with issues and facing the risk of a broken relationship.  Speaking up can be terrifying, and the consequences can be devastating.  Writing is so much easier.  Being a very passive person, I prefer avoidance, but maturity requires otherwise.  Communication is difficult;  it’s time-consuming, and often frustrating.

I don’t handle confrontation well.  Counseling was supposed to help me learn to be more assertive;  less timid, less afraid. My counselor assured me over and over again that I would become stronger, and not so insecure.  That I would learn how to handle situations that seem out of control, and terrifying.  I’m still waiting.

Someone told me once that I seem to have “an awful lot of angry people in my life.”  I didn’t know what to say.  He was right.

I miss my old friends.  I’m not good at phone calls, or actually getting together with people.  I am in my head, just not in reality.  I tend to seek out a safe person, and hide behind them.  I don’t mean to do it, I just can’t seem to help doing it.  Those who aren’t bewildered by it are irritated by it.  I’ve heard everything from “What the hell is wrong with you?”  to “Who do you think you are, one of us?”  Neither of which is helpful, and ultimately makes the problem worse, not better.  My counselor got tired of having to “prove herself” and that relationship also ended in an angry outburst, and hurt feelings and broken fellowship.  So much for that.  Can God redeem me?  Yes, of course.  Can the past be healed and restored?  I don’t know.  I only know that He who has promised is faithful.   And so I wait.  Worship and wait.

Be blessed, people.

We Are So Not Ready

04 Saturday Aug 2012

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A is for Access

A is for Access (Photo credit: Ben Zvan)

“The context in which we develop the spiritual maturity of our congregations must be the transformation of our communities.”  Mike Regele, The Death of the Church.

I went to church last night;  the pastor spoke on being prepared for the coming of Christ, and a prophetic vision he had several years ago regarding the people who would be coming to church in the near future.  Waves of people unlike those we are accustomed to seeing in the seats around us during a weekend service;  people you would normally see downtown in line for the buses, or at the Civic Center waiting for social services to help them reassemble the shreds of their lives after personal crisis. (And the often accompanying public humiliation.)  The people who make it so very hard to complete the OASAS forms, because their problems don’t quite fit the boxes, and their strengths are relegated to a section of the very last page.  Many of my clients are Christians who are well aware that it would be extremely unwise to share anything about their personal struggles with a church leader, or even a pastoral counselor.  If they did, they are afraid that they would never be taken seriously as people worth investing the time and energy to disciple them.

Several years ago, a woman I know called the church for help with her son.  The woman was a new Christian, who had been visiting the church, and was greatly helped and encouraged by the teaching.  Her son was suicidal, and the woman did not know whom to turn to for help;  her first instinct was to call the church.  When she called, and stated that her son was threatening to kill himself, the very first thing that was said to her by the receptionist was:  “Are you a member?”  This is inexcusable.  To my knowledge, she was not offered prayer, support, or to be connected to pastoral care.  So, no, as the pastor said last night, we are not ready.  If the majority of my clients were to walk in to church tomorrow, with all of their piercings, tattoos, and sometimes oddly colored hair, would they be respectfully led to the front and allowed to sit with the leaders?  Highly unlikely.   Would they be allowed to speak to the pastor after service?  Probably not, as the ushers are well-trained in sleight-of-hand moves such as quietly (but obviously) making sure that only certain people are allowed to ‘bother’ the pastor.  If you have ever stood and waited to ask the pastor about something he just taught on (why in the world would I ask someone else?) and been smoothly re-directed (or even more humiliating, turned away) to someone who doesn’t know the answer to your question, you know what I’m talking about.  This is not what the Bible means by “calling and separation”.  For someone like me, even just going forward is an effort that takes considerable contemplation, and if I do by some miracle get to say something, what is so well-organized in my head is rarely what I hear coming  out of my mouth.  I don’t believe I have ever gone up after service without coming away feeling like a complete idiot who can’t formulate a coherent sentence. It is always an embarrassing, dehumanizing experience.   People with so-called mental health issues (like depression and anxiety) scare the hell out of the leaders; even more so, the ushers.  When I was struggling with severe PTSD after my divorce (on top of my less severe, but equally inconvenient social phobia)  God help the usher who tried to put me in the middle of a row, far away from an exit.

A major factor in systems-centered family therapy is that the therapist takes a role within the family unit in order to disrupt the family dynamics, and unseat the  tightly held notion of “she/he has a problem and if you could just fix her/him we could all go back to being a happy family.”  The unspoken rule:  please don’t address our issues, because as you can see, we obviously don’t have any.

We do this in church.  The people with obvious issues (depression and anxiety become obvious over time, if the person is at all consistent in attendance) are referred for counseling with a pastoral counselor that they cannot afford.  Which is how most of them end up sitting in front of me.  (I don’t make a lot of money.) We as a church are so not ready.  If Syracuse is literally going to be a City of Refuge in the coming days, is it wrong to think it should be an outgrowth of the church?  Admittedly, most pastors and ministers are not trained as trauma therapists. Our church has a better-than-average understanding of psychological terms and concepts, but not so much the practical application of those terms and concepts.  Even so, we are more fortunate than most.  But far too often, concepts such as differentiation are misconstrued to the point that we are cold and unloving;  we build walls, not boundaries.  This will not work with the people in the community, and they will come to church on the weekends, but will still end up in line at the Civic Center on Monday.

What struck me personally last night was the fact that I, too, am not ready.  My own recent personal crisis has made me self-absorbed and spiritually weak, when it should have strengthened me and woke me up.  I myself am not as aware, or willing to be inconvenienced because, well, I have things to do.  I have bills piling up;  things in the house that need attention, kids who need taking care of, and a car that at some point in the near future is going to stop for a red light and just…..stop.  Which means I may be standing on a corner with the rest of the waves of humanity, hoping God will send someone to help me.  Except for the fact that if I truly am a minister of God, I am supposed to be there to help them.

“There is so much more we would like to say about this, but it is difficult to explain, especially since you are spiritually dull and don’t seem to listen.  You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others.  Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word.  You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food.  For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn’t know how to do what is right.  Solid food is for those who are mature,  who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong.”  -Hebrews 5:12

 

The Pain of Regret

25 Wednesday Jul 2012

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Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote

Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote (Photo credit: BostonPhotoSphere)

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”      Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is so easy, at a certain age, to look back over your life with regret for choices you’ve made, and choices you didn’t know you could have made.  Sometimes the past comes up behind us, taps us on the shoulder, and says “Hey, I’m not as far away as you thought!”  And interrupts whatever mindless task we may be doing in the moment.  Having had a series of what I call ‘trained-monkey jobs’  I have had a lot of time to think;  too much time, if the thinking is always negative.  It takes a great deal of mental strength to change your thinking, especially once you’ve already headed down the wrong path.  Unfortunately, the beginning of that path is usually located in the subconscious regions of our brain, down with all of the stored memories and accompanying emotions.

This is why it says in the Word of God that there is a division between our soul and spirit, like a membrane, and if we strengthen ourselves spiritually, it will have a direct impact on our soul.  A membrane is not a solid wall;  it’s porous, like a filter, yet firm, like a boundary.  We are affected (or infected)  from the outside in;  we heal and grow from the inside out.  Our spirit is where we lay the foundation for outward change;  it’s why others get so impatient during our personal growth processes.  God is at work below the surface;  what people see are residual behaviors and attitudes.

Years ago, it was believed that we were hard-wired in our thinking at an early age, and there was little hope for change;  most therapy was aimed at behavior-management.  This gradually changed, as research discovered what we now call neuro-plasticity:  the regrowth of cells and the natural ability of the brain  to rewire itself, so to speak.  The myelin sheath, which protects nerve endings, can be regenerated; the regrowth of fibrin is critical to regeneration.  Nerve endings,  which is where synapses occur (transmission of chemicals such as serotonin, dopamine, etc.) are repaired as the body utilizes proteins found in the blood stream.  If one part of the brain is destroyed, the remaining parts can be trained to compensate, to a degree, for the lost functioning of the part affected by trauma.

So, what does this mean on a practical level?  It means that while we now have cognitive-behavioral therapies aimed at changing our thinking, in order to produce socially acceptable behaviors, our spirit still gets neglected in most counseling sessions.  The world of evidence-based science has not considered the impact of a strong and healthy spiritual life, nor do they know how to measure it.  It means that when we go to others for advice, counsel, or treatment, we have to remember that a large part of our healing lies in how much time we spend in the Word, whether we understand it or not, and that study is essential to healing.  Time spent in prayer and meditation can do what traditional therapy cannot.  Over time, we will look back and realize we have less regret, our choices become wiser, and the result is evidenced in changed thinking, attitudes, and consequently, behavior.  We cultivate the mind of Christ and reflect the nature of God until we become more like Him, and more like who we were created to be.  This is what makes us a blessing to others;  it stabilizes us, and creates peace, in spirit, soul, and body.  It literally reduces inflammation and allows for the natural healing process to take place, within our spirits, souls and bodies, and eventually in our choices and even in our relationships.  And that, my friends, is what evidence-based practice should look like.  Have a blessed and thought-provoking day, people.

“For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow;  it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”  ~Hebrews 4:12

The Promise of God’s Supply

04 Wednesday Jul 2012

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Ruins at Philippi.

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“But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:19

Paul wrote this word of encouragement in a letter to the Philippians  around 64 A.D.  The church contributed to his support while he was starting the church in Thessalonica.  He did not ask them for help;  he supported himself by working, in addition to building churches and teaching the new believers.

Any new ministry or program takes time to develop;  in the beginning, a need is identified, and a plan of action is formed in the heart and mind of an individual to meet the need.  We usually call this vision.  Then there’s a time frame , in which soil is prepared, and seeds are sown.  In practical terms, this is when we research the where, when and how of the vision.  We look at sites, consider whether to rent or own, assess needed equipment and supplies, and how we’re going to pay for those items.  And here is where it all falls apart, because in finding resources, we have to put our dreams on the table and let others sift our motives and intent.  This part can be humiliating. Visions and dreams hidden in our heart may help us weather a storm, but they don’t change the world.

For years, I have had a dream of a faith-based counseling center located in Syracuse, where people can come and find hope, help and healing.  In the beginning, there was no structure to this vision, and the only thing that kept coming to me in the initial period after my divorce was “first establish your work in the field, and then build your house”.  Which for me meant get a degree, get qualified, learn my field of ministry, and whatever is required for me to have access to needed resources.  It also, in very practical terms, meant pay off any outstanding debt, and repair the ravages of my credit history after the divorce.  (Still working on this ; it will take a while, as we lost everything.)  Over time, a plan of action unfolded, which included services to be provided, and programs to be implemented.   Accessibility is key, because transportation is a problem for many in this city.  Focus on biblical solutions to common mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, traumatic stress and other issues will be a priority.  Families, as the ‘secondary client’ will also be served, as many of our problems are relational in nature.

So, where do I start?  Wherever God provides a place.  And we’ll go from there.

“[Put first things first.]  Prepare  your work outside and get it ready for yourself in the field;  and afterward build your house and establish a home.”   (Proverbs 24:27, Amplified)

 

Rejection is Not Fatal

30 Saturday Jun 2012

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English: Joseph Sold by His Brothers, as in Ge...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was sitting with a client this week who was telling me how his brothers ganged up on him when he was younger, and stole from him, and I said “There is a story in the Bible about a man named Joseph…” and proceeded to tell him the story.   This client has a long history of feeling left behind, and rejected, and it has crippled him emotionally, and kept him from moving forward in his life.  When he first came to me, he did not talk or make eye contact.  He was literally just existing.  I know the feeling;  I have been there.  Hopelessness destroys like nothing else.  Addiction itself is not a disease, it is a symptom.  All of our prepackaged programs are good (well, some of them) but not sufficient when it comes to healing and restoring broken people.  Programs provide structure and stability (hopefully) but we can’t look at completing a program as evidence of recovery, any more than we can look at a degree or license as evidence of skill or ability.  It just means you have checked off all your little boxes and jumped through the required hoops.

A long time ago, I had to fill out a questionnaire for a ministry class to define the ‘theme’ of my life;  what would become the foundation of my testimony.  Not surprisingly, the pain of rejection was the over-arching  theme, followed closely by grief, insecurity, shame, disappointment and loneliness.  Rejection is not at all the same as abandonment. If I abandon you, that says something about me.  Abandonment means “my attention was here, but is now over there;  it never was about you in the first place.”  If I reject you, it says something about you.  “Something is wrong with you, and/or I no longer want to be bothered with you.”

Rejection hurts; it destroys identity.  At its worst, it is abusive (targeted, mean-spirited, hurtful)  at best, it just means that “now that I know you……” well, you get the picture.  Abandonment, I can get over.  I will survive perfectly well on my own. God never leaves or forsakes me, so I will always be okay in the end.  The problem with rejection is that if it happens enough, it leads to self-rejection, and shame.

Evidences of Self-Rejection:

  • Over-attention on clothing
  • Inability to trust God
  • Excessive shyness
  • Difficulty in loving others
  • Self-Criticism
  • Wishful  comparisons with others
  • Floating bitterness
  • Perfectionism
  • Attitude of superiority
  • Awkward attempts to hide unchangeable defects
  • Extravagance
  • Wrong priorities

There is no feeling like the pain of rejection.   The only cure for it is being loved by those who will not reject you.  Sometimes, that leaves just you and God.  Until you know how very much you are loved, with all your flaws and weaknesses, and that you are welcome in the throne room of Heaven, rejection, and the subsequent shame, will always be the one weapon the enemy knows he can knock you out of the game with.   And this is where we are left with our clients.  In a state-funded program, we can only bring them so far.  It does take a certain level of emotional health and stability to grow spiritually (as our culture measures growth)  which is why Jesus fed people first, then He taught them.  All through the Bible, the practical wisdom  of God is nourishment and rest; preferably in solitude, or away from the crowd and the noise and chaos of everyday life.  This is where healing happens, and strength is renewed.

Okay, people.  Let’s do Saturday.  Be blessed.

“After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, the Lord spoke to Joshua son of Nun, Moses’ assistant, saying, “My servant Moses is dead.  Now proceed to cross the Jordan, you and all this people, into the land that I am giving to them, to the Israelites.  Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given to you, as I promised to Moses.  From the wilderness and the Lebanon as far as the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, to the Great Sea in the West shall be your territory.” (God establishes and expands our borders when our hope is in Him) “No one shall be able to stand against you all the days of your life.  As I was with Moses, so shall I be with you;  I will not fail you or forsake you.  Be strong and courageous;  for you shall put this people in possession of the land that I swore to their ancestors to give them.  Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to act in accordance with all the law that my servant Moses commanded you;  do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, so that you may be successful wherever you go.”  ~ Joshua 1:1-7

Not – Like – Me

09 Saturday Jun 2012

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Barend Cornelis Koekkoek - Landschap bij opkom...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.”  -Acts 20:28

This was a difficult week.  I was told I had to discharge a woman for ‘non-compliance’ with program rules.   The actual problem has little to do with non-compliance, and a lot to do with cultural and language barriers.  I have cried with and prayed for this woman, who has  shared her whole life story with me in a crazy mix of Spanish and English.  We have laughed a lot.  She loves God and His Word with all of her heart, in spite of her struggles with addiction.

I read an excellent book for an anthropology class a few years ago.  It’s called “The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down:  A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collision of Two Cultures”  by Anne Fadiman.  It’s a wonderfully written story about a Hmong refugee family who’s youngest daughter is born an epileptic.  The author does a masterful job of telling the experiences this family has with the American medical system, and how the most well-meaning and qualified professionals were frustrated, trying to get the girl’s parents to comply with their recommendations. Like our relationship with God, trust provides the foundation for both life-change and compliance. (Obedience.)

In our desperate attempts to make people follow the rules and fit into our boxes, we sacrifice excellent patient care on the altar of “The Program”.  I hate it.  I’m an employer’s worst nightmare, because I question and examine everything.  I’m not a great counselor, but I am a realistic one.  I hate that my diagnosis of you is based on how much you are Not-Like-Me.

I also make a lot of mistakes.  Sometimes it’s because I’m tired, and sometimes it’s because I don’t feel I really know what I’m doing, or what is expected of me.  Charts, forms, summaries and reports pile up because I never know which box to check.  Just because a client hasn’t ‘made progress’ according to the little boxes, doesn’t mean they haven’t made any progress.  There are no boxes to check for most of the changes these people are trying so desperately to make.

I was sitting in a staff meeting (I hate staff meetings) a short time after starting this job.  While listening to the director and the other counselors discuss and dismiss the people who come to us for help,  I suddenly realized that this is how I have been discussed in other people’s staff meetings.  And just as suddenly, I was overwhelmed with shame, embarrassment, and fear.  While going through the most confusing and terrifying times in my life, professionals and church leaders have dissected my mental and emotional health, my internal motivation for change (“She really must not want help”) my mental stability, and potential for change.  Basically, “is she worth our time and effort, and what possible value could someone like her have?”

Years ago, while going through my divorce (a period of time during which I was admittedly unstable emotionally – in my opinion, a sign of mental health, given the circumstances)  I was talking to a woman who was known as a prophetess in our church.  Because she had prayed for me several times and God had used her in a powerful way to minister to me, I looked up to her and trusted her opinion.  While standing at the altar one day after service, she made the following statement:  “No matter what everyone else says about you, God told me to never give up on you.”  The implication being that she continued to talk with and pray for me in spite of the fact that the leaders in the church had already said there was no hope for me.  (Come to think of it, I never did find out what they were hoping for.) Anyway, I learned something that day:  prophets and teachers, like everyone else, are both subject to and influenced by what used to be called gossip.  I also learned  that just because someone has a prophetic gift and anointing, does not mean that everything that comes out of their mouth is a direct word from God.  Whether they stand in the office of prophet, pastor, or teacher, they are still human beings, and much of their counsel is filtered through the grid of their own experience and understanding.  Where God holds me responsible is to know the difference:  to take what is said to me by others, and lay it out before the Lord alone to sift, weigh and measure.  And somewhere in that, healing happens.  So does growth, and real, long-term life-change.

So what does this mean in practice?  It means that unless I read and study the Word for myself, I am subject to the opinions of others. It means that I will be double-minded, confused and unsteady; “driven with the wind and tossed” as James writes in his letter to the early church.  What a word-picture, because that’s exactly what it feels like!

So, I’m off to work to finish up notes and summaries.  God, help me to remember that these little boxes represent people (“sheep”- who need prayer, protection and guidance.) These statistics and regulations do not take note of death, divorce, grief, suffering, shame, embarrassment and fear.  They also don’t take note of strengths, value, progress, and there is absolutely no place to write “Does this person have any eternal hope and value, and what is my God-ordained role in their life?”  And please help me to not get fired.  Amen.

Okay, the coffee pot is empty.   Have a blessed and productive day, people.